Shame and devastation 2

[Traveler]

I replied I will pick son up from the house and return him after.

Good job!

Stupidly I replied " is there something I have done for us to stop co parenting and switch to parallel parenting?

With texts you can p-a-u-s-e, for hours if you need to, to come up with short, validating replies.

Me: I'm sorry you feel we can't co parent or navigate this amicably.

That's NOT what she said per the exchange above.

I have been trying hard to do everything you have asked through all this.

That would be accomplished by acknowledging her and looking at the app.

Her: I haven't asked anything from you! ( except for leaving the house, leaving our business, jumping whenever she needs a hand with the kids, 50/50 parenting from next week regardless of logistics or finances)

She's in 'alien mode' here. Good job not taking the bait!

Me: I would prefer we did this amicably, im sure I've made some mistakes In dealing with all of this, I don't wish you any Ill will and

Blah blah blah..

will look at the app"

Good job!

I feel like I've blown it, what the heck can I do next.

A week from now, she may say "I can't co-parent with him. It was a struggle just getting him to LOOK at a parenting app.." but a year from now she probably won't say "I couldn't reconcile with him. It took five texts to get him to look at a parenting app". That would sound downright silly!

It's hard to react perfectly to bad news. You didn't do terribly. Slow it down next time.

Today's unlikely to be the defining moment in your divorce, but resolve to do better. Review listening and validation. There are great books and a short "Empathy" video by Brene Brown to help.

5 mins later she's messaging about work related things.

'Alien mode' lol. It sounds like you'll have more opportunities to show you can listen and validate.

[Jdevast]

Just to clarify the work stuff was related to our shared business.
She wasn't leaning on me.

Texts have continued to be extremely cold throughout the evening.

Notified me son is sick, no open evening.

Will drop work stock over to me in the morning.

Notified me she does not need me to watch kids Wednesday as she has got a sitter.

Notified me she will drop kids over to me on Saturday morning and collect them following Saturday.

Replied ok to all of them except last.
Notified her that I was flexible, had received advice that week on week off was not thought to be the best for kids our daughters age. Will look into it, and that we didn't have to discuss it now but would need to look at finances

( she is claiming welfare benefits for the kids living with her full time.

I'm financially extremely tight since having to move out and rent, and need to share the government help we get)

Just an ok in response.
Then another message reiterating she is dropping them off Saturday.

[Ready2Change]

You have moved out..Correct?? If you can't/wont move back in then:

Your kids are old enough for week on/week off schedule. I had a Mid week diner visit. I can elaborate more if needed.


Do you love your wife? Respect her boundaries.
Do you love your children? Get a 50/50 parenting plan put in place.



Learn to negotiate:
W:"I am hungry."
H:" How about we go get pizza?"
W:"I would rather have burgers."
H:"I had burgers for lunch. How about we go to Subway?"
W:"Sandwiches sound good, How about Jimmy Johns?"

If you don't like to option presented, present your own. Two alternate choices also works.



If your relationship with your children is important:

Get a written parenting plan ASAP. Get your place set up for kids. If not, get a different place ASAP.

[Traveler]

Notified me she will drop kids over to me on Saturday morning and collect them following Saturday.

You can't make her want to see her kids even if you feel that's what is best for them.

Notified me son is sick, no open evening. Notified me she does not need me to watch kids Wednesday as she has got a sitter.

Are you okay with NOT seeing your kids until Saturday? Neither my partner nor I have ever denied scheduled custody due to illness, and many parenting plans include a "Right of First Refusal".. meaning before engaging babysitters or other 3rd party services, she should offer you the chance to watch the kids.

she is claiming welfare benefits for the kids living with her full time.

It definitely sounds like 2020 finances should be different than 2019 finances.

[Traveler]

Your kids are old enough for week on/week off schedule. I had a Mid week diner visit. I can elaborate more if needed.

I don't know the ages of his kids. According to the child development specialist "Hodges", kids 6-10 are most content with see both parents every week, while 11+ are pretty content without that. A mid-week visit like you have would be a game-changer. I'm sure the specific child make a big difference! Choices.

Get a written parenting plan ASAP. Get your place set up for kids. If not, get a different place ASAP.

Yes!!

[Ready2Change]

... many parenting plans include a "Right of First Refusal".. meaning before engaging babysitters or other 3rd party services, she should offer you the chance to watch the kids.

The farther away from 50/50, the harder I would push for this.

[Jdevast]

My youngest is 6 . Advice I had gotten earlier was that younger kids don't do well with week on week off.

I do have some concerns regarding them staying at 1 bed place, but until we sell the family home I will make it work.

My wife's boundaries are up and down emotionally and I have been emotionally reacting to that.

I'll wait a few days to let her cool off, I'm sure this all has to do with me being out at the same place her friends were,

Then try and ensure we get a written parenting plan in place.

[Ready2Change]

My youngest is 6 . Advice I had gotten earlier was that younger kids don't do well with week on week off.

I mistakenly looked at another posters signature that had older kids. Can you update your signature to include kids age. You can always ask a "professional" for their opinion. We had a family therapist. I weighed his advise extremely high when X and I disagreed.

My youngest was 6 when we separated. She is 17 now. Time flies by.

[AnotherStander]

I don't know the ages of his kids. According to the child development specialist "Hodges", kids 6-10 are most content with see both parents every week, while 11+ are pretty content without that. A mid-week visit like you have would be a game-changer.

I did the same as R2C. My kids were around 7, 13 and 16 when we separated I think. I talked to a lot of people with various visitation schedules and the ones that were doing week on/ week off seemed to have the fewest issues. Obviously my preference would be 100% visitation, but as far as having to surrender half my time with them the week on/ week off worked quite well. It was easy to coordinate homework and projects. Nearly all school activities were during the week and this schedule alleviated confusion over which parent was supposed to pick up/ drop off/ prep them for activities and such. Was very cut and dried. We did drop-offs on Sunday afternoon which was nice and leisurely. Gave us time to discuss any pending homework or projects. We also agreed to a mid-week visitation and even wrote it into the D decree. Neither of us ended up using it much because as it turned out, we both saw them a lot during our off weeks due to cheer, football, band and color guard. I heard a lot of horror stories about the 3-2-2 setup. Lots of confusion over who had the kids when; homework and computers and phones getting left at the other house by accident because they were rushing to switch; sometimes one or the other parent completely forgetting it was a switch day. It works for some people but at my age I really need simplicity in my life, LOL!

[Ready2Change]

My exchanges were Friday. Dinner Visit on Tuesday.

The best thing about the midweek visit, 2 long 3 short work days the week I was parenting. 3 long work days 2 short the next week. My boss was very accommodating.


I saw the kids all the time due to baseball, basketball, soccer. Me and the kids agreed that I should play with the kids that were not in the formal activity. Good times.