I've been pretty good about not initiating texts with my W unless absolutely necessary.
Broke the rule last night, sent her a link to a youtube video I'm using for meditation/sleeping.
She responded, thanks. Then just went to ask me for $$$ for paying for one of our daughter's car pool. I fell asleep and saw that this morning. Then this morning she sent something like that again, saying that she has no money in her account right now, she proceeded to send me a screenshot of her checking/savings account.
Going to transfer money now, but it kind of irks me that she feels like she needs to send a screenshot of her account. Felt like telling her something about it but not sure if it's worth it.
Remind me, how did you get into the position of doling out money to her like this? It seems like a situation likely to make her feel frustrated and like you are the one who has the control.
This is so unlike my divorce where minor expenses by either party were okay, major expenses by either party needed joint approval, and soon we simply split the main account down the middle.
For our whole M I basically was handoff the money, just made it and my wife would do anything with it. This caused some big problems with finances, to the point that she got us into foreclosure twice (!). So before BD we were talking about me taking that over and splitting accounts.
Well, when BD happened I had opened a new account for "big expenses", I asked her if she wanted to join it so she can see what's going on. She said "I don't want any new accounts with both of our names".
So I've split my check, and made it smaller and smaller into the shared account. I've found that the more money she sees available in an account the more she spends, so I've been able to make the money last longer. I told her she can use it for kid expenses, minor expenses, like you describe. But yeah sometimes it runs very low (last yesterday) and she feels frustrated I know to have to ask me to fill it up. It's not my intention to frustrate or control her with it, but I know she perceives it in a negative way.
Last night when I used my own card for her gas, she texted me the amount when she was done. I didn't ask her for that, so that's an example.
So I put the money in, and she sent the payment for the carpool. I texted something like this (maybe shouldn't have);
"Sorry for the confusion/delay. Like I mentioned I fell asleep after your text last night and after I came back from dropping kids wasn't feeling well and was in bed until I got to library. Not my intention to withhold that or make you feel bad in any way. As I've said before, assume the best, not the worst. Like you told me the other day, I tell you, you know me"
She sent you a screenshot, it irked you. She will do a lot to rustle your feathers. Don't assume the worst, don't assume the best, just assume... nothing.
These situations are FULL of opportunities for you to be baited emotionally. Almost always the right thing to do is let it go.
Originally Posted by Augusto
So I've split my check, and made it smaller and smaller into the shared account. I've found that the more money she sees available in an account the more she spends, so I've been able to make the money last longer. I told her she can use it for kid expenses, minor expenses, like you describe. But yeah sometimes it runs very low (last yesterday) and she feels frustrated I know to have to ask me to fill it up. It's not my intention to frustrate or control her with it, but I know she perceives it in a negative way.
Last night when I used my own card for her gas, she texted me the amount when she was done. I didn't ask her for that, so that's an example.
I agree with CW that the way you guys are handling the money is likely to cause more frustration on both sides. You will be frustrated by her spending, she will be frustrated by the perception she has no control.
I don't have a solution for you, but your arrangement does seem like one that will generate lots of opportunities for conflict.
Regarding the text, I would consider next time cutting out a lot:
Originally Posted by Augusto
"Sorry for the confusion/delay. Like I mentioned I fell asleep after your text last night and after I came back from dropping kids wasn't feeling well and was in bed until I got to library. Not my intention to withhold that or make you feel bad in any way. As I've said before, assume the best, not the worst. Like you told me the other day, I tell you, you know me"
Only she can decide to start assuming the best in you. The more you explain/defend, the more you dig a hole.
Don't apologize for hardly anything. I can tell from your post that you are all bending over backwards here to apologize and explain. Just skip that part with her and everyone else in your life IMO. It's very minor.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Aug, this kind of financial arrangement is going to cause a lot of anger and resentment on her side and frustration on yours. Instead of meting money out to her on an as-needed basis you should really agree on a set amount that you pay into her account weekly or bi-weekly or monthly. If she runs out before the next transfer then that's her problem. She wants to be single, she's got to learn to manage money as a part of that. And you need a set amount that you can budget around.
Work on getting a regular amount deposited on a schedule. Negotiate the amount. Know your legal rights.
H:"I would like to reduce the confusion around money. I think it would be best if I deposited a fixed amount every week so we both can plan accordingly. How much do you think I should deposit?" W"Bla bla bla" H:"let me think about that." or "Sound good" or "We can't afford that, I was thinking more like XYZ"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Need a bit more help guys/sorry. So I was in the MB getting ready to take a shower, somebody called me and was talking to them. Wife got home, knocked on door (didn't know if it was her or one of the kids) but I didn't have any clothes on so I didn't answer.
Got in the shower, then when I get out I get this text:
"Beyond disrespectful of you to have me knock as [sic] your door and you don't answer. I know you are there. Your car is there and I can hear you there"
She's definitely trying to pick a fight today. Any ideas? Maybe I should have opened the door naked ... lol
Wife got home, knocked on door.. I didn't answer. "Beyond disrespectful of you to have me knock as your door and you don't answer. I know you are there. Your car is there and I can hear you there" Any ideas?
"Oh! You felt ignored when I didn't open the door promptly, like I don't respect you?"
