Communication is almost always confusing. I focus on clarifying and reducing confusion.
Personally, I believe you should have engaged W with full eye contact and focused on listening. If that was not possible, A quick "I am running late. text me. bye"
Here is another option:
H"Sorry, Sounds like you felt ignored. I was running late to pick up D. I will be home by X:XX."
or
H"No. I will be home by X:XX"
or
H:"yes" (Any reason you should not trust D18 to watch the younger kids?? Your wife trusts her)
To be honest, I let my emotions get in the way. I didn't answer yes/no when I walked out (I was in a hurry for certain) because I didn't want her to go on her trip without me being able to see her before she left. Which now that I'm staying and we have to pick up kids, will probably happen anyways.
Things got better when I got home, we talked about a retreat D15 is going this weekend and she went shopping for some supplies for her. This morning she just texted to see how D5 was doing as I was dropping her off to school.
R2C is dead on here. Tell her "I'll be home at X;XX" without any explanation. The fact that it happens to be an couple hours earlier so the need for D18 to babysit is moot is just fine. That way you are making sure you get what you want, without her feeling like you caved or whatever. R2C is a very wise man.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Great advise everybody, thanks for offering it, it is much needed.
So the current situation is my wife will go out on her trip to NYC tomorrow morning (well tonight, she's staying at her friends house) and will be back Sunday. I have to suck it up, detach, not care ... I know it's going to bother me, and I know I'm going to be anxious to see if she communicates with me at all. But there's nothing I can do about it.
Next thing ... last week my wife sent me a text proposing a holiday schedule with the kids. Basically Thanksgiving her, Christmas me, New Years eve me, New Years day her, and a few others.
When she texted me this, I reached out to my L because I didn't know if I agreed if I was committing to something permanent. My L said to hash out Thanksgiving but wait for the rest to the discussed during mediation.
My wife asked again, and again and then had a car accident texting me about this topic (!!!). We talked at night, I told her I hadn't thought about it much and that it's a big deal to me since I've never missed a holiday with my kids (and family). She said one of us had to start the conversation, and then I told her I had talked to my L and she advised we can finalize that during mediation. That sent her off the rails, she's still upset I got a L and started screaming and ranting (kids noticed).
This morning my L send me an email from hers, looks like my wife told her L that I didn't want to discuss this (not true, I told her to give me a few days). Her L said she rather I reach out to my wife to talk about it and agree, etc.
Anyways, what should I do? I was going to tell my wife, sure you can have thanksgiving with the kids ... but I also need to think about what I want. To me, it seemed more fair for me to spend 1 day with them and her another day, but she says she doesn't want to "split the holidays" (although she's splitting New Years, I'm sure she'll have fun during the New Years eve party).
Good suggestion, I'm going to try it. I like the part about calling her BS on splitting the holidays, I hadn't thought about it but yes that's exactly what she's doing. She keeps pretending that this is all normal and it won't have any effect on our kids.
I think it's going to piss her off, but since she wants to get into this I wanted to propose something instead of just passively accepting whatever she proposed. She's used to doing this, and I've allowed it all this time in our M.
The "exchange time" is a bit weird, we still live in the same house. The vague plan is she's expressed some interest in getting an apartment, but as far as I know she doesn't have one picked and she probably can't afford one. That's why this discussion about the holidays is kind of pointless to me at this point, as long as we're in the same house.
The "exchange time" is a bit weird, we still live in the same house. The vague plan is she's expressed some interest in getting an apartment, but as far as I know she doesn't have one picked and she probably can't afford one. That's why this discussion about the holidays is kind of pointless to me at this point, as long as we're in the same house.
Is it likely she plans to whisk the kids away to somewhere else on Thanksgiving--a family member, best friend, co-worker, etc.--or has NYE plans and that's why settling this with you now is important?
I like that Ready2Change's approach limits the discussion to 2019-20. This retains flexibility in mediation.
The "exchange time" is a bit weird, we still live in the same house. The vague plan is she's expressed some interest in getting an apartment, but as far as I know she doesn't have one picked and she probably can't afford one. That's why this discussion about the holidays is kind of pointless to me at this point, as long as we're in the same house.
Is it likely she plans to whisk the kids away to somewhere else on Thanksgiving--a family member, best friend, co-worker, etc.--or has NYE plans and that's why settling this with you now is important?
I don't know, could be. She made it sound like she didn't know, but I don't believe her. We would usually go to a friend's house for Thanksgiving, but she perceives those friends as being "on my side" (which is not true) so she probably won't do that. I asked her but she didn't want to be open about her plans.
I'm sure for NYE she's already being invited to a party. I found it curious that she was willing to give up Christmas eve/day so easily. We made it a point every year to be both awake to see the kids run to open their gifts, and it's easy for her to *not* do that this year?!?!
I found it curious that she was willing to give up Christmas eve/day so easily. We made it a point every year to be both awake to see the kids run to open their gifts, and it's easy for her to *not* do that this year?!?!
Did she offer to give up Christmas or Christmas Eve? The person who gets Christmas Eve is typically the one who gets to do the night-before traditions and see the kids wake up and run to open their gifts.
Just pointing out nuances so you don't get hoodwinked.
Oh boy. She wants you to have them NYE (so she can go out and party). And I am guessing in Thanksgiving she is going to want the Wednesday night free to go party.
I agree with R2C, but try this. Try to arrange it so that she has them Wed night before T-giving and you will pick them up Friday morning. Let her know that on NY day you will be dropping them off early in the morning (8-9am) because you have somewhere to be later that day.
Make sure you really have plans Wed. night before t-giving and on NY day (maybe go to a bowl game!).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
