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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I’m not sure if today is just a down day, but I’m letting my long fought suspicions get the best of me. I know the rules; always expect an A, but a part of me still has a strong trust in my W. As long as I’ve known her, she’s never lied to me (at least I’ve never caught her in one). I’ve expressed my concerns in the past and have outright asked her if she’s cheated on me and she’s always told me no; that’s not the type of person she is. She has to be in love before sex is an option. I know this to be true because she slept in my bed in college quite a bit when we were just friends and she had an out of town abusive boyfriend. Nothing ever happened despite my best efforts. I tried kissing her twice over the course of a year and was shut down both times because “I have a BF.” This is why I have held onto a few strands of trust and believed her a few weeks ago when I asked if she was having an EA (pre DB discovery) and she told me “no, I have a strong network of family, friends, and coworkers that I lean on now.” I’m now realizing that she no longer loves me and therefore, it is much easier to lie to me. If she doesn’t love me, there’s a good chance she has found someone else to love and will lie to me to protect an AP. Like I said, I’ve had my suspicions for a while but have been suppressing them with trust...trust that I now realize hasn’t been real for a while.
These are the recent events that, up until tonight, I have been able to dismiss:
Friday night, D was going to a sleepover so I offered to take our S to the lake to go hunting and give her a free night (give her space). When I woke up at 5:00 am and realized she never texted me that she was home safe, I checked the security camera to see if her car was in the driveway and it wasn’t. She told me she was out with a friend (who is contemplating a D) and stayed at their house. I never asked where she was, she offered but knows I could have checked the cameras and had an answer in case I had. I dismissed it as “old paranoid me”.
Sunday afternoon, I walked into the kitchen while she was on her phone. I saw her text window up and a big “heart” emoji in the middle of the screen. This very well could be her cousin that she confides in so I would normally dismiss it except that as soon as she sensed my presence, she switched screens to her fantasy team and immediately said “oh come on! My team [censored]!” That seemed like a very knee jerk reaction especially since she won by over 70 points. Again I dismissed it...180 and change my way of thinking and dismiss it.
Tonight, while W was working with S on a school project, I walked into the living room and saw D playing with Snapchat or some type of pic filters on W’s phone so I sat down next to her and let her take funny pics of me. As soon as W realized what we were doing, she came and ripped the phone out of D’s hands and took it away. Kids play with her phone all the time and she’s never done that before. D and I both were deer in headlights and just sat there in shock for a few seconds.
That was my last red flag and the last few strands of trust have finally snapped. I’m doing well with detaching but this is devastating nonetheless. I have no proof and no real way to gain it. She has a company issued phone and computer so now way to check records. She has to change her passwords every couple weeks so no way to check without asking her. She’s offered her phone to me every time I ask about this and I always refuse and tell her I trust her. She offered it a few weeks ago and I wish I would have taken it the. Since she got scared tonight, I’m sure she’s laying in bed right now wiping her phone and e-mail. She knows she was obvious and that I picked up on it.
I know that if I confront her again and ask for her phone but find nothing, I will erase all progress I’ve made so far and even take a couple steps back. However, not knowing the truth will eat at me and fill me with doubt and cause me to withdraw from her even though we’ve been making progress on becoming friends again. Not knowing makes me not want to be her friend. I have no idea what to do.
I’ll keep up on my 180’s and GAL, but I know I’ll flip the tables and be the WAH if I find proof. I won’t put another ounce of effort into the MR if she’s been putting me through this hell just to have her cake and eat it too.
Not the note I want to end on tonight but this is my new reality. Limbo [censored] but I’ll stay here as long as it takes if there’s actually hope. However, I’ll cut the rope to fall wherever I land if need be. The knife’s out...how long do I hang on?
I’ll keep up on my 180’s and GAL, but I know I’ll flip the tables and be the WAH if I find proof. I won’t put another ounce of effort into the MR if she’s been putting me through this hell just to have her cake and eat it too.
Not the note I want to end on tonight but this is my new reality. Limbo [censored] but I’ll stay here as long as it takes if there’s actually hope. However, I’ll cut the rope to fall wherever I land if need be. The knife’s out...how long do I hang on?
No. And that’s the part I can’t get past. She comes from an extremely religious background, is a genuinely sweet and humble person, and lying and cheating just don’t suit her at all. I have always held my trust because she is fully invested in her faith and this would go against everything she’s ever stood for. But if she has truly fallen out of love with me, and in love with someone else, would she throw away 20+ years of our R and everything it’s stood for just to protect an A with OM?
She knows I’m out the door if I find out so maybe she would?
... She has to be in love before sex is an option. I know this to be true because she slept in my bed in college quite a bit when we were just friends and she had an out of town abusive boyfriend. Nothing ever happened despite my best efforts. I tried kissing her twice over the course of a year and was shut down both times because “I have a BF.” ...
Maybe we have different boundaries... but I would consider sleeping in your bed cheating. Especially if she led you on enough for you to try and kiss her. Not to mention that she ended up being with you.
[quote=JR425] Maybe we have different boundaries... but I would consider sleeping in your bed cheating. Especially if she led you on enough for you to try and kiss her. Not to mention that she ended up being with you.
You’re absolutely right and I’ve thought about that quite a bit. She was very free spirited (and naive) in college. I had an on/off GF (she cheated on me, we tried to work it out, and ultimately I lost all respect for her and she became an occasional “late night call”) when we met. By the time I had ended it with GF, she had a new BF from out of state. After a couple months, he became verbally abusive and that lead to physical abuse. She started staying at my house on weekends because she was afraid he’d show up at her place in the night. I respected her and her beliefs so I did not push her boundaries although that’s the only thing I wanted In life at the time. I wanted to kill him for what he was doing to her and she knew it so she never let the two of us meet. However, through all the BS, she stayed loyal to him. I used to walk her home every weeknight over the course of a year and twice I tried to kiss her only to be shoved away because “she has a boyfriend”. As soon as she was completely free of him, she came right to me and we’ve been together ever since.
I’ve never physically harmed my W and have only raised my voice at her once a few months back when she wouldn’t met me walk away from an argument. If she stood by an abuser and remained faithful to him, could she actually be so far gone to go behind my back?
All of your W examples seem similar to my W. I walk by while she's on her phone, she always seems to be switching screens up so as to not let me see what she's actually doing. It's hard man
