Your paralegal/lawyer could be spot on depending on the law in your state. I am a lawyer myself, and though i do not endeavor in that field (domestic law) myself, i am conversant enough in legalese and did enough legwork myself during my own ordeal to know the ins and outs. Bottom line is that in some states... SOME states, mind you... adultery (if it can be "proven", which is not always easy unless you hire an investigator to gather the evidence) is an absolute bar to spousal support being awarded. There are other ramifications, too, including possibly custodianship of the kids, i believe. UNLESS, that is, you "consent" to the relationship by allowing it to go on without objection (And what you have to do to "object" may also depend on your state). At any rate, your lawyer is absolutely right that if you "know about it" (and in your case it sounds like EVERYBODY knows about it-- sorry) and do/say nothing, you may be waiving substantial rights you would/will have down the road (along with any leverage over her that such rights would entail.)
You really need to have a detailed convo with your lawyer about that aspect of it... know your rights.
Good luck!!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
WOW! "Tryhard", you were exactly right. She has canceled her appointment with the lawyer. She was begging me to spend time with her this weekend. She was emotional when our boys were spending a lot of time together in their room. Not sure what that was all about.
Friday night she asked if she could go out to eat with us and I said it was fine. I am not naive enough to believe that she all of a sudden had a change of heart. I do think that she is trying to play "games" with me for some crazy reason but who knows. She could be trying to make our situation easier. Why all of a sudden does she want to spend time with me and the family? She cooked dinner for our family after church and we all sat down to eat together.
I believe this change of heart could come from a lot of things. I do know that last week she was continuing to talk to him so this behavior has thrown me for a loop. Why the all of a sudden change. She is telling me she misses me and that she loves me etc....
Does this happen all the time in these situations? She says things like she feels so sorry for the OM's wife, she really hopes they can get back together. What? He has already signed the papers. She is done with his butt. It's just a matter of weeks before their divorce will be final.
I'm going to recommend that you move very slowly, decline at least every other invitation from her. I know you want to work it out with her, but I made the mistake of taking her back too soon (for the same reason as you) and it burned me several times.
Take it as a one time thing that was nice, and don't try to read into it IMO.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My ex came back 3x times and I fell for her crocodile tears and empty promises and let her back in too easily. After our honeymoon periods, things went right back to how they were. I could have avoided so much pain if I took things a lot slower.
While I've read along somewhat, I don't intimately know all of the ins and outs going on in your sitch. However, from what I see and have read, you believe your W is having an affair. On Friday she got upset and said she was going to file for D. Then later into the weekend she wanted to spend time with you and said ILY. My first thought is she had a fight with the OM or he has or is likely to break it off with her. It would be VERY VERY ODD that if things are going well with an OM that a WAW or WW would all of a sudden want to come back. Be very aware of this.
Now if that has happened or for whatever reason she is poking her head out of the rabbit hole, you really have to proceed carefully or she will go right back in. The books talk about this. You've gotten some advice on it already. Take it day by day, refuse some requests to spend time together simply saying, Oh, sorry, I've already got plans.
You don't want to scare her back in - and you also don't want to be her Plan B if she's having a rough patch with her AP.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH, I know that’s exactly what has happened. The OM has broken it off or they had an argument and she felt lonely. Probably why she repeatedly stated that she misses me. The OM is almost divorced and buying a new home within the next couple of weeks.
Saturday morning I woke up and she was in our bed. Probably had an argument Friday night and she came back to our bedroom. She claims it is her bed too!! I hate to argue and fight. It’s not in my nature to be mean but how cruel can she be by playing these games.
Trying to figure out why she mentions just now that she feels sorry for his wife. Why does she think they will get back together? He must be telling her he wants too. Who knows what is going on. I’ve got to continue to protect my heart or there will be no coming back from this pain.
She did mention the OM was manipulative too. Even stated to me that we both were manipulative so that explains why she felt the way she did. She was upset at him.
If she has strong feelings for him and has told me so, then I suspect it will take a long time for her to get over this ordeal. That is why I have got to take it slow. I know my stitch well enough to know that she fell in love with this guy. I also know that my stitch has strong attachment and bonding issues with whoever she is involved with.
We may have been together for 23 years but she was this way with most of the guys she dated in high school. I've got to decide whether or not I truly want to wait this out. I do not believe that she will leave or move out or she would have done it already.
Eventually I will have to decide if I want this kind of relationship. she has made it clear she is worried our marriage will go back to the way it was and she will feel unhappy. She has also mentioned she is worried she may do this again due to those feelings. She did not say that exactly but that is what I gathered from her explanation. She has explained she is trying to understand how she could have done something this horrible.
I know my stitch well enough to know that she fell in love with this guy.
This statement bothers me, because you're basing your decisions off of other people's actions. I get that to a point, but you know this? And even in knowing, there's a certain amount of ambiguity involved here. She loves him so much that she makes him share her? She loves him so much that she's telling you she misses you and loves you? No, this is not love my friend. Time to focus on Bballer.
If your W felt so much for OM's W, would she have had the affair? I think not. Time to focus on BBaller.
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Eventually I will have to decide if I want this kind of relationship. she has made it clear she is worried our marriage will go back to the way it was and she will feel unhappy. She has also mentioned she is worried she may do this again due to those feelings. She did not say that exactly but that is what I gathered from her explanation. She has explained she is trying to understand how she could have done something this horrible.
I certainly understand her confusion, worry, and guilt. There's been a lot going.
I hope you validated and bailed out of that convo.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
