Shame and devastation 2

[Traveler]

Nearly all school activities were during the week and this schedule alleviated confusion over which parent was supposed to pick up/ drop off/ prep them for activities and such. Was very cut and dried. We did drop-offs on Sunday afternoon which was nice and leisurely.

I love 5/2/2/5, so I'll share why. Imagine she gets the kids every Mon/Tue and you get every Wed/Thu and you swap weekends. First, your kids never go more than 5 days without seeing you. Child development specialists prefer more regular contact for younger kids, although every child's different. Second, you can set your kids' weekday routines (e.g., Thursday art classes) without any discussion or approval from the other parent. Third, you can set your own weekday routines (e.g., Monday rock climbing or Tuesday salsa classes) without skipping weeks. Fourth, I can tell you nine months from now if I'm free on Wednesday without checking a calendar--nifty! Fifth, hand-offs occur at school which reduces unwanted contact with your ex.

Lots of confusion over who had the kids when;

"I get Wednesday/Thursday, she gets Monday/Tuesday"

computers

They have a different computer at each house.

phone

Forget their phones?! What?!?!

sometimes one or the other parent completely forgetting it was a switch day.

Never happened in 8+ years.

homework

This happens 3-4x times per year, especially with long (4+ week) projects. Middle- and high-school textbooks tend to be available online, but sometimes one parent takes a scan/picture of homework for the other.

I have primary physical and legal custody and see my kids every weekday no matter what, so any parenting schedule would've worked, in terms of ensuring I had frequent contact.

Many options. Find what works best for you and yours.

[Jdevast]

So the day started off with me making a mistake on a home delivery and it being sent to the family house.

This wasn't great, but I contacted her by message to explain.

No response.

Then through the morning several messages back and forth regarding our business.
I kept all responses polite and brief.

Then later received a message that she was leaving now to drop some stock off at the studio with the erroneous delivery. She would leave in porch and message me that she had dropped it off.

I notified her that had returned to the flat to await a seperate delivery

W: "I will drop to the flat, but I do not want to speak at all"

Me: ok, thanks"

She arrives. I waved to let her know I had seen where she was parked. She looked away and opened the boot (trunk)
She said here's a few more bits of yours ,handing me a bag.
I collect the bags, she is actively refusing to even look at me.

I say thanks for this, she says nothing ,gets in car and she drives off.

Right now I can't see her ever even talking to me as a human being,
Demonization is really strong, knowing her , I don't think she will ever let this go.

I guess it's good to have zero expectations, just living the pain right now.

[DS9]

Oh geez man I feel for you. It’s such an awful feeling when you’re treated like an unwelcome intruder. Shortly after bd my XW and sd played ariane grande ‘break up with your boyfriend ‘ and had a great time with it but I let it wash over. You need to try and let it wash over you too and stay strong, dignified and keep that chin up!.

[Jdevast]

Thanks DS9
I think sometimes it's hard to comprehend
I know things were not great, I could have done a lot, lot more to make her feel loved and valued, I was very much stuck in a bad place, sure I had my resentments, sometimes I was mad at her, but I never comprehended stopping loving her or leaving.
From an empathetic point of view her love must have died a long time ago, and now she is in full hate, anger and surviving abuse mode.

Now she has labelled me as a toxic abuser , as she is a childhood abuse survivor, I don't think those walls will ever come down.

[SteveLW]

Now she has labelled me as a toxic abuser , as she is a childhood abuse survivor, I don't think those walls will ever come down.

My W labeled me the same way...and she too is a childhood abuse survivor. Never say never.

[AnotherStander]

I love 5/2/2/5, so I'll share why.

Sounds like it works well for you. The people I talked to were either week on/ week off or 3/2/2 (or some variant- 2/3/2, 2/2/3) so that's what my comparison was regarding.

[Caligirl]

It's crazy, Jdevast. Lots of us have been through the same thing of being demonized by our WAS. I think alot of WAS's need to do this in order to continue to justify their shitty behavior. The over the top accusations, and exaggerated abuse claims

There's nothing you can do about it. Continue to carry yourself with grace and integrity. Don't let her bait you into a fight, and don't kiss her ass either. Stay right in the middle of the road. She wants you to blow up so she can say "See? You are an abuser!" and then carry on with whatever she feels is best for her.

Show her nothing but strength and continue to make your kids your #1 priority.

This right here is golden ! Read this and read it again and again .

Be calm , friendly and distant . Do not let her bait you . She doesn’t want to say hello or goodbye back ignore it but continue to be polite. smile and say hello and goodbye to your children .

How many people who are truly happy with their life don’t say hello or goodbye to people ? Non sense .

Work on not being so available . Let her feel you not there at the drop of a dime .

I think you are doing really great just work on getting a bit tougher with boundaries for yourself .

[Jdevast]

Thank you for the support.

Amazing to think anyone thinks I'm doing ok through this, feel like I'm lurching from one emotional state to the other by the hour.

Been having terrible sleep the last week, actual night terrors of wife very matter of factly with other men.
Mind is really doing a number on me.

Got something today to help with the sleep and bit by bit this week the flat is starting to be better set up to have the kids from Saturday.
( I still have mixed feelings about this, love to have them but also very paranoid/ suspicious that she only wants this week on, week off so she can live her single social life to the max.

Maybe she will actually miss them while the home is empty, my thoughts are that she will fill all the time with new friends.

My son mentioned the other day that the new main friend had been at theirs every night for 5 days.
Don't know what this means, maybe nothing.

Read some other threads last night and one thing that really dawned on me was that my wife no longer has any respect, affection or good feelings towards me at all, let alone love or attraction.

The opposite of most LBH's I guess.

I guess that's made me realise that this will not turn around soon.
The grass looks too green right now.

And this yawning emotional hole wont be filled by her.

This causes me great pain and sadness but also a realisation I have to tackle some basic things first, my health, anxiety and weight loss, the kids and the business and then self respect and confidence.

I would really appreciate any advice or resources on building confidence and self esteem.

Today's interactions seemed more positive. ( maybe just because she was being more civil and that feels like a win to me, still very emotionally reactive to her moods)

She contacted me about some orders for our business,
Shared some info about our daughters proposed school move.

Appears that she accepts I should attend to view school together.

Requested some info and product examples as she had a meeting with the employment centre about the new welfare benefits claim she is making and arranged to meet me at the studio to pick the stuff up.

Everything was pretty civil.

I walked over to her car when she arrived, she was much more polite, Shared she was not looking forward to being grilled by the benefits agency.

I gave her some advice

We chatted about daughters new school appointment briefly, then she had to go.

[Jdevast]

Continued-

I then received 3 messages about 2 hours later.
1st saying how hard the meeting had been and the next 2 about daughters new school viewing and potential start date.

I didn't reply for half an hour.
Validated that meeting sounded like it had been tough.
And confirmed I would call the school to confirm tomorrow.

I then asked if she could let me know who was sitting the kids tonight and could we make sure everyone had everyone else's numbers ( I was originally supposed to be watching them until latest walls up)

That was 3 hours ago and no response, I feel it was the right thing to ask as their dad, now I'm sure she thinks it's some sort of crazy invasion of privacy or way to control her.

Now my brains doing loops as to whether to follow it up or drop it.

[SteveLW]

That was 3 hours ago and no response, I feel it was the right thing to ask as their dad, now I'm sure she thinks it's some sort of crazy invasion of privacy or way to control her.

Be honest. Was it?