Hi IH. Thanks for checking in. Honestly I am stuck. My pain is still there and as strong as when it all started. I guess I am not someone who gets over this so quickly. I started to look for places to live. That was also depressing. I had this big beautiful home and now I have to go to something small and much further from my job. For me it’s the loss of everything. I lost my home, wife and only seeing my children part time. And all of this and I wanted none of it. For me it [censored] because some days I say to myself I just want to go home. But that is no longer for me. When I feel down I go to the gym, I go to friends homes or call them. But for me the pain is still there. I want to sob as not feel like this and I try to think about a great future for myself. That is will be with an amazing person. Honestly I’m scared of that too. Falling in love with someone and they do the same thing. I will be so worried all the time about what I am saying or doing, that is not living. There are moments I am happy but let me tell you it is brief moments.
How are you doing IH? What’s going on with you? Your situation sounds so similar.
These are all legitimate thoughts, concerns, and feelings Wolf. I have had the same exact thoughts and feelings. Believe it or not... Our ex's are having the same thoughts and feelings too. Another thing to be aware of is you're feelings are going to change day to day, sometimes hour to hour. Its ok to mourn be sad etc at the loss of all this. I know you feel like you lost your W your castle, and your family. Just last week I caught myself thinking of ex all day at work because I trained my mind to do that in my sich over the last year. I even went out of my way to do a few NGS things for my troubled ex last week. Took S2 for an extra day to alleviate her and brought her chicken soup since she was sick. (You better believe she took full advantage of going out dressed up though when I took him.)Had a tear or two privately in my own place after putting away 12 years of vday cards anniversary cards, pictures, etc.. (((Forever my @$$! ) They don't see it Wolf. And that's ok. I had a flood of realizations of all the good, the bad and the ugly this last week. Will update such eventually. Just the same as it comes with the thoughts. Sometimes we count the losses, sometimes we count the flaws of the relationship on both sides. Sometimes we count the good times, sometimes we are sad, angry, happy, mournful, indifferent, anxious, stressed, focused etc... Sometimes we fear revealing ourselves in the future to other people because we feel like failures from this and all other R's that enfed and scared they may see the real us that cause detriment to those ended R's I get it Wolf. And all these thoughts that can change by the hour depending on how we think about things and what influences us. I thought I would be scared $hitless of living alone with my thoughts. Turns out just in a week. Im loving living alone, having things my way, living my way, being organized my way, decorating my way, having family occasions my way, spending time with S2 my way, looking forward to upcoming events, etc. I was depressed the first few days of living alone of what I thought my life would be resigned to. It may be like this for you, it might not. Once you start doing things for yourself slowly for you completely independent of XW. It will force you to change, keep busy, remained focused, build your own life. You might start to look forward to it. The imperative however is to recognize that your feelings are not you. Although it may feel like you have 5 or 6 different personalities or sides of you going on during all this depending what you are thinking about. Recognize your feelings. Acknowledge them, feel them, honor them, But don't trust them. (Feelings) They will change through all of this. It is what got our WAR's here in the first place. They might be wrong, they might be right. They might be both and the same goes for us. Its a lot of head vs. Heart at the end of the day. It takes time and space to sort it out with clairity.
This is probably just my ego talking right now but?... Funny the other night I was cooking some awesome meals with S2 after a toy convention Sat which we had a great time at.. My home and space was perfectly clean just the way I like it. I wasn't anxious or abrasive, or irritated. So my thoughts were. I cook for myself, shop for myself, organize for myself, work for myself, plan for myself, live for myself. Etc. WTF do I need a W for? My right hand knows how I like it best...Lol...I still love her and miss her a little. But they brought pain to us at the beginning of our sich's and now we are just getting free from that pain. They are solipsistic. Its just their nature. We both can be egotistical, and stoic too. Just something to keep in mind and in check. Weirdest thing too is. Im getting date offers just in the last week out the ying yang and Im not even trying. Have to remind myself that its just for fun, not to move fast into anything, im not going to rebound anyone, and I need to be authentic, honest, and firm. Also need to remind myself not to let my ego get too validated. I might go, I might not...Wierd thing is I'm actually enjoying being alone.
IH Glad to see how well you are doing. When you talk about your situation I feel like I am reading about mine. You are really coming into your stride. I put an offer on a condo, hopefully I will get it. Getting my own place will be nice than living at my moms house. I want to be able to cook with my kids and have game night. Right now because my mom is handicapped and always sick I am constantly bouncing my kids around when I have them. I don’t want them to see my mom like that all the time, it’s depressing. I know what you are saying about women. A lot of opportunities. Actually going on some dates and it is great. It’s great to know there is life after d. Been on a few dates with one woman and we have so much in common and the kicker she is so sweet and tried all the time to make me happy. I don’t mean in a sexual way either. With my xw it was always me trying to please her. Never reciprocated. When this woman does things for me it almost feels “weird” because I am not use to it. I know I will be alright it’s just getting through this hard time. When I have my own space it will be that much better. IH I feel like you and I should go out and grab a beer because of everything we have in common it’s so crazy. This is how selfish my xw has become. I took my son to the Giants game on Sunday. I asked my xw a long time ago and she was fine with it. So it was perfect for my xw to have a day with my d to do some bonding. Instead what does she do, has her parents over in the morning and went to the city all day and night. I know she can do what she wants but to me that was so wrong to leave my d. This just reinforces how selfish and cold she has become. It’s all about her and no one else. I felt so bad for my d. This wayward/MLC lifestyle was so not her. But she is a new person and the more I see things like that the better I feel about d. Knowing there are women out there who care about family and care about their spouse/boyfriend. IH I stoped the right hand stuff a while ago!! Lol
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Hey Wolf. I would be more than happy to grab a beer with you. I forgot you are in NY I'm in Northern NJ. Totally doable. Are you in Rockland County? Plus my Mom lives right next to Giant Stadium. Lived there for 29 years.
Too bad I didn’t know that the other day. I took my son to the Giants game. We will definitely figure out a day and place to meet up. And see just how similar our lives are and how messed up our xw’s are. How have you been doing IH? It been quiet with me. Just trying to find a place to live. I wish there was something close to my kids especially because they are in so many activities. It will make it easier for me instead of driving all over the place.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Been quiet with me too. I'm loving it and my solitude.. I'm up and down here and there. I get a little pi$$y every time XW expects something of me. I'm losing $$$ with work because we've both been taking off a lot since S2 has been sick the last month. I wish you luck on finding your place to live. Its going to feel strange at first, but once you settle in a little there is some freedom from all nagging, awkward silence, people intentionally ignoring you, then making demands of you, trying to guilt you, manipulate you, shame you etc. Im loving being alone, because I've never lived alone. Im doing it on my own, my way, going forward, and not backward. If i had to live with my parent again. It would feel backward in life and dependant for me especially at our age. I'm sure you will find something Wolf. What NY County are you in?
IH I live in Suffolk county. I’m about an hour from the city.
So yesterday morning around 7:15 am I see my xw is calling me. I was about to pick up and then realized I am not her husband anymore. So I didn’t. Usually those early calls are for her to complain about the kids not behaving in the morning. She didn’t leave a voice mail. But about 10 minutes later she text me that the kids were giving her a hard time in the morning. So I responded what happened? She spoke about how my son was upset blah blah blah. I responded sorry to hear that. I guess she still wants moral support from me? Does she not understand she divorced me?? I am not her to give you emotional support anymore. I am just so frustrated. Then later in the day she text me if I could find out the information for her to pay off the loan we have. She wanted me to help her??? I responded I am very busy and don’t have time.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
If you feel as though you are emotionally being taking advantage of Wolf. Let it go to VM. If its an emergency. She will find a way to text/email/leave a VM etc.. Its funny. Initially when you do this for a few weeks or months. It feels like you are the one playing games. But slowly as you start to detach, and you realize you are being emotionally manipulated. Or your time, peace, quiet, and freedom is being taken advantage of by someone who used to be you're most intimate confidant, who now treats strangers with more plesantry and dignity and respect then you. You will start willingly let the calls go to VM. Because you will realize, they are only calling you because they want something from you or they need something from you. You will be more at peace because you won't be getting botheredn emotionally upset, or nagged as much. They are not calling you to reconcile, and they are not calling you to ask you how was your day or for idle chit chat. Your time is your most important asset to build a life, build wealth, and build a home for yourself. Don't forget that, and don't ever let anyone steal, manipulate, or take advantage of that. Especially your Ex. Remember. You are not friends. You are no longer lovers either. You can be friendly, you can still do favors, but you better expect something in return for it because believe me, their expectations are unrealistic, delusional, and a mile long. Slowly as you set reasonable boundaries with this, communications will get just a little bit more pleasant. Not a lot but a little. There may be some respect regained in a platonic sense. But more importantly YOUR SELF RESPECT.
Just stop answering unless it has to do with the kids. Unless you are in possession of something financial or she needs your authorization on. Let her call the company, get copied documents and figure it out.
So you are out on L.I. hey? I have a cousin out on Smithstown in Suffolk who I will be visiting shortly. She is amazing and has been amazing with support. She calls me every day to check om me and has been for the last year. She's sad and is still in shock over my sich because her and W got along really really well and were probably closer then my cousin and I. If I am on my way out there over T giving. I will post here and let you know when and we can meet at a public place. It would be good to talk with you.
