If your W felt so much for OM's W, would she have had the affair? I think not. Time to focus on BBaller.
Interesting idea. Reading the last months from the AP's perspective, this WW still looks selfish and unloving. Sex, attraction, and the dream of a future lost could also take some mourning to get over.
I did validate and just listened. Probably should have bailed on the convo but did not. This is very tough to endure and know that what you are doing is going to hurt or help the situation.
I know that I need to continue to focus on me and what I got going on at the present moment with my job. Thanks for the support and advice.
CWarrior, I agree with what you are saying and that's why it is important for me to focus on myself and my boys. If my situation were to work out for my family then it would take a while for her to get over the AP. This isn't going to happen over night nor anytime soon.
I can see a little bit of depression or withdrawal due to her going to bed early and complaining of always being cold. She also engrosses herself in her work while at home. I know there is no figuring her out!!
For a bonus is the fact that the community is still bringing it up on social media etc.... so it will be the topic of ddiscussion in our community for a while.
Going to be a long road. Looking onward and upward!!!
She has come back to the bedroom and I am afraid I may be making a mistake to allow her back. She hasn't been on her phone while in the bed etc..... She does most of the talking and I validate.
I guess if she becomes suspicious or secretive then I will ask her to go back to sleeping in the other room. She has been super busy with her job. Her main concern is doing her job and she has been happy due to everyone being very supportive of her at work.
She has come back to the bedroom and I am afraid I may be making a mistake to allow her back. She hasn't been on her phone while in the bed etc..... She does most of the talking and I validate.
I guess if she becomes suspicious or secretive then I will ask her to go back to sleeping in the other room. She has been super busy with her job. Her main concern is doing her job and she has been happy due to everyone being very supportive of her at work.
Idk, man... Has she made any overt indications she is finished with OM? That she is remorseful for what she did? That she is ready to commit to working on the MR with you. She cheated. Alot. And she knows you know she did. Heck, everyone seems to know. And until proven otherwise she is wayward. The separation (her being out of the MBR if not the house) is for you. Her coming back in without your permission and without a demonstrated willingness to come back to the MR shows a lack of respect for you. And a WW, or any W, for that matter, can't get loving feelings back for H if she doesn't respect him.
She needs to do the work to "come back", and, IMO, she ain't "done the work" yet... nor has she even indicated she is interested in "doing the work."
JMHO
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
No she hasn't made any indications as to being committed to our relationship. I have not really pushed the issue. She has done little things like give me access to her phone which I declined and made changes such as not being on her phone or the computer while in the bedroom.
Her only concern right now is going above and beyond with her job. She has taken on more responsibilities and she is happy her colleagues have been so supportive of her. When we talk she primarily talks about her job and the support she is getting.
She has claimed there is no more communication between them however she expresses feeling sorry for what he is going through with his divorce and being moved from his position. I know this pisses me off when she makes those statements.
She may just be afraid I may use the proof I have to have him fired for good and she is trying to protect the both of them. Who knows what her intentions are in her current behavior. I could easily use the proof I have to have the OM removed and not being able to work again in his field for at least 3 years. Problem is it may in turn have implications for my wife.
Her only statement has been that she misses me. I'm not sure if that is WW talk for meaning something else. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before her behavior changes again. It's a struggle trying to put it all together.
Her only concern right now is going above and beyond with her job.
That's her concern, it doesn't require her sleeping next to you for her to accomplish.
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Does anyone else have experience with a WW saying they miss them?
I do. I can tell you from experience to take it at face value and attach no other meanings to it. Assume OM is still in the picture.
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It's a struggle trying to put it all together.
The way you phrase, it makes it sound like it was hard but now you understand it. I don't think that is the case. You need to put the brakes on this. Maybe mention that nothing has changed and she should continue sleeping in the other bedroom.
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]She has claimed there is no more communication
Yea but why? And for how long? I heard this line several times and it burned me. Don't play with fire.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She has claimed there is no more communication between them however she expresses feeling sorry for what he is going through with his divorce and being moved from his position. I know this pisses me off when she makes those statements.
Context is important, here, and, when appropriate, you should be listening to her and validating, but... Her agonizing to you about "Poor poor OM" or feeling sorry for him or any dreck like that is not...and i repeat NOT (all caps intended)... a conversation topic you should be entertaining from her. SHE SLEPT WITH THIS DUDE!! WHILE MARRIED TO YOU!! Such conversations are EXTREMELY disrespectful towards your MR and towards you, and, IMHO, they should be cut off as soon as she starts... with extreme prejudice: "You know, W, I understand you are going through a difficult time, but I am not at all interested in hearing about OM's struggles, difficulties, or how sorry you feel for him." Maybe i am off base here and, if so, Sandi or one of the other WW pros can correct me, but pretty sure i recall reading on more than one occasion that, even though you are DB-ing and even though you are in "validation" mode, that you do not need to entertain such discussions.
If and when you two are committed to reconciling the marriage, she has committed to no more OM and no more inappropriate opposite sex relationships of any type, and you two are in counselling, then, and only then, MAYBE it will be okay to explore those subjects... and it may even be necessary. Maybe. But your counselor will be able to best advise/lead you on such matters.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
