10 I believe I’m 100% detached. And I’m unsure of what to do now. I feel invincible to anything she could do to hurt me. Except take away my boy.
How did you get to this point of detachment? I need to get here
Time and focus work on yourself - lots of introspection, self improvement, reading / learning about relationships and life.
In the near term, you will be under a fog dealing with brain chemical dependencies / pain of detachment, so your emotions will be a roller coaster just as the WW is also under a fog but due to draw of EA.
Kbuenob. I feel my circumstances are different than a lot here. I have cancer. Wich forced me to think about myself. Then I realized what’s best for my son is what I need to do. I did it last night.
I congratulate you for your courage and doing whats best for yourself and your son. Please continue to post as im sure your journey during the D and after will be able to help all of us here. Thank you ozman
I think you dig through my quotes, looking specifically for one by coach that contains a phase like this:
This is what I need in my marriage. Right now, I do not see that.
While you are digging you clip out other wise pieces. You build up a nice "script" that you want to say to your W.
You post a draft here. We give you feedback. You refine it several times over several weeks. You then practice it. Many times. You then tell her, "We need to talk. Are you free tomorrow at 4pm?
^^^This is excellent advice^^^
Originally Posted by ozman
I’m ending it tonight. I will let you all know how it goes
Did you read R2C's advice? I would suggest you give yourself another day or two or three and really prepare for this, but regardless, good luck.
Edited to add-
Originally Posted by ozman
Here is where I am. Being 100% truthful
1 the only thing that I’m worried about getting D’d. Is the process of it. The lawyers and such 2 if she goes or stays. It matters very little to me. I just want her to find happiness, as a fellow human. 3 I’m not angry, bitter, sad, hurt, or any other volatile emotion. 4 I feel a strange sense of calm and happiness, or rather, contentment. 5 when I’m not around her, I do not think of her at all. I do not care who she is with, where she is, or what she is doing. 6 I have no idea what my future holds, and I’m totally ok with it. 7 I’m very comfortable by myself 8 I’m worried about the impact of D on our S, who cannot understand D. (He is very upset when we are not both home) 9 my Life seems completely open to possibilities 10 I believe I’m 100% detached. And I’m unsure of what to do now. I feel invincible to anything she could do to hurt me. Except take away my boy.
If this is really how you feel then you are in the right place for that talk. Like Steve said, counseling will help with 8. Hopefully the two of you can work out 10, this should be one of the topics during the talk if/ when you have it.
The talk went as good as it could have gone. We were both very emotional. We are going to work on being good friends going forward for sake of our son. He is unable to grasp the abstract concept of a divorce. She apologized again and again (through a lot of tears) for hurting me. She wants nothing from me nor I from her. We sat and held hands and went through the 10 years of our marriage. The good times and the bad. Where things went wrong. The communication breakdowns. We talked about the things we should have done better. About the things we did right. She apologized (very sincerely) for her behavior lately. We both asked the other if there was another person of interest. We both said no (I wholeheartedly believe her). She said that when she has been late from work she would just pull over to the side of the road and cry or zone or talk on the phone to her sister. Because she just wasn’t ready to come home yet. We were both very vulnerable and openly no holds barred with each other. She explained why she quit taking her antidepressants. We both said we are not even close to ready for another relationship. We both said we have much needed work to do on ourselves. She said “I have no idea what the future holds, who knows, we could be great friends for the next couple years and decide to try again”
There will be no lawyers, set child support, or custody agreement. We both love our son fiercely. And we both think that if we can’t make it work than this is what’s best.
She said that she has been terrified that my dad would supply me with some awesome lawyer and try to take son away. She said this while sobbing.
I explained how much she hurt me over the last 5 months. For which she apologized (through a lot of tears)
We talked about things like our wedding pictures (I would have guessed she would have told me to keep them or throw them away). But she said she would like to make doubles of them so we could both keep them. She said that it is still one of the happiest days of her life. She said that there was a lot of good times we spent together and she has a lot of happy memories.
We went to bed at 1:30 in the morning. We said I love you and both tried to sleep. But neither of us did very well
This morning. I asked her how she was. “I’m really sad” she replied. I replied the same
I’m confident in the decision I made. I don’t regret it. She was done. It wasn’t getting better. It is better for S this way than to let it contnue and let hate creep in.
I’m not regretful of my decision. It was how it should be. Two flesh and blood human beings being honest with each other
I am not an expert, but the conversation last night sounds like a good foundation for a future relationship, as long as you both were being open an honest.
Let her go, keep forgiving her. Love her unconditionally.
Most important, forgive yourself.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Oz, glad to hear it went well, but what exactly was the main subject of the talk? You didn't make that clear, did you tell her you want S, or D or just that you were done with the way things have been?
she Came home from work. I asked if she was hungry. She said she was. I told her I had a question. She looked tense
Me are you still miserable? Her (she sat down, her shoulders slumped, she looked exhausted,her eyes were already getting wet). Yes, I am. Me do you have any interest in working on things? Her (tears already rolling) I don’t think so Me well we are both hungry. Let’s take S to your sisters house and figure out where we go from here Her Ok
It was my idea to go over the last 10 years. I wanted to hear what she had to say. I wanted her to get it off her chest. I wanted her to know I heard her. Every word. There was zero combativeness between us.
I’m sad. She is sad. But it’s what is best for S
In the words of Fraiser Crane. “Im not mourning the loss of W, I’m mourning the loss of what I thought my life would be”
