The talk went as good as it could have gone. We were both very emotional. We are going to work on being good friends going forward for sake of our son. He is unable to grasp the abstract concept of a divorce. She apologized again and again (through a lot of tears) for hurting me. She wants nothing from me nor I from her. We sat and held hands and went through the 10 years of our marriage. The good times and the bad. Where things went wrong. The communication breakdowns. We talked about the things we should have done better. About the things we did right. She apologized (very sincerely) for her behavior lately. We both asked the other if there was another person of interest. We both said no (I wholeheartedly believe her). She said that when she has been late from work she would just pull over to the side of the road and cry or zone or talk on the phone to her sister. Because she just wasn’t ready to come home yet. We were both very vulnerable and openly no holds barred with each other. She explained why she quit taking her antidepressants. We both said we are not even close to ready for another relationship. We both said we have much needed work to do on ourselves. She said “I have no idea what the future holds, who knows, we could be great friends for the next couple years and decide to try again”
There will be no lawyers, set child support, or custody agreement. We both love our son fiercely. And we both think that if we can’t make it work than this is what’s best.
She said that she has been terrified that my dad would supply me with some awesome lawyer and try to take son away. She said this while sobbing.
I explained how much she hurt me over the last 5 months. For which she apologized (through a lot of tears)
We talked about things like our wedding pictures (I would have guessed she would have told me to keep them or throw them away). But she said she would like to make doubles of them so we could both keep them. She said that it is still one of the happiest days of her life. She said that there was a lot of good times we spent together and she has a lot of happy memories.
We went to bed at 1:30 in the morning. We said I love you and both tried to sleep. But neither of us did very well
This morning. I asked her how she was. “I’m really sad” she replied. I replied the same
I’m confident in the decision I made. I don’t regret it. She was done. It wasn’t getting better. It is better for S this way than to let it contnue and let hate creep in.
I’m not regretful of my decision. It was how it should be. Two flesh and blood human beings being honest with each other
I let her go. Time will tell how this story ends
I just want to go in record as saying I disagree with this. Oz it is your life, but LBSs need to make this decision when they have exhausted all options and efforts. 5 months is a drop in the bucket. Will you be able to look your son in the eyes in 20 years and tell him honestly that you did all you could do to try to save things? Or will you have to admit that you just gave up because you were tired of the pain?
I think you got impatient, or sick of her behavior. I think others were right that you've contradicted yourself. "I'm completely unphased by her words and actions." "I told her how much she hurt me these last 5 months."
Anyway the above comments are more for other posters as this is a cautionary tale. I get your sitch is different. 5 months is long for someone fighting what you are fighting. And you don't have the luxury of looking 20 years out with expectation. What's done is done. Take care of yourself and your son. I'll be praying for you my friend.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m not going anywhere my friend. I am staying in the house. She was not getting that I let her go. So I told her. It had come down to the only way to communicate to her that she is not trapped. She is free to go. Because the only thing that the way I was divorce busting was telling her was I didn’t care anymore IDK. maybe I was doing it wrong
Also there is a page ON THIS WEBSITE that talks about sometimes preserving the friendship is all that can happen. And if that’s the case then that should be the goal
I’m still standing. Neither one of us is moving out.
The biggest thing that makes your sitch is your cancer. There are no rules. We all fool ourrselves. Love your son. Be the best dad ever. Set your wife free. Forgive her. Love her unconditionally. Enjoy every minute of this life. Life is extremely short.. My parents divorced when I was 14. I lost my brother to lightning when I was 29. My wife divorced me when I was forty. My grandparents dies while I was deep in the divorce issues. I have had to put down 2 dogs. My Ex wife put down my other two dogs and didn't tell me and I didn't get to say goodbye. My step dad is not doing well. My lady and my father do not get alone. I almost lost one of my kids to suicide. There are other horrible things.
I live each day like it is the last. I live each day like it is the first day of the rest of my life. I enjoy life every day, even the days that suck.
I look forward to meeting you and having a drink, or playing a game of chess or a game of pool.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok it seams like there is some confusion. You say you’re still standing so I guess that means you are not filing for divorce. So it sounds like you were telling your w it’s ok for her to file for divorce? The thing is Oz she doesn’t need your permission to file for divorce.
I am also curious on how this is the best decision for you son?
I’m not judging you I’m just trying to understand what is the plan moving forward.
Steve So do you get my sitch is different? Or you disagree because of an imaginary conversation 20 years down the road? Which is it?
I made the best possible decision FOR MY SON. I don’t need to answer to you for that
You don't have to answer to me for anything! Just gave you my opinion, noting that your sitch is different so that my feedback was really for other posters that might read that and thing that was the right approach. No need to get defensive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
After BD I told my W that I would try to make things better. Then later I discovered this site and began fooling the guidelines. I was afraid however that she would see this is just me slipping back into my old ways. That is what happened I asked her in convo if anything had gotten any better. She replied “no it just seemed like you cared less”. Im guessing I did not DB correctly. Lately. It has become clear to me that things were getting way worse. And even though I let her go and dropped the rope, she couldn’t see it. It also became clear to me that she still wanted out and she was so miserable that things were deteriorating at home. It didn’t matter if I was home or out GAL. She still felt trapped. Everything is either in my name or joint named. She just felt stuck.
It was very obvious that the only way for her to know that she is free is for me to tell her “you are free”.
It is very obvious that there is not OM in fact. She has been a touch clingy since our giant convo. There was some serious communication breakdown going on. I saw this as the best way to remedy that. Also our S could sense the tension emanating from her. This was not good. However she is a terrific mother and I have zero desire to remove him from her
