Yes, I agree with you, I have lost 45 lbs, working out 3 times a week, gotten Lasik surgery, new (better) job, GAL-ing more (much more than anytime in last 10 years), and trying some 180s. Feeling and looking good. In your opinion, as someone who successfully made it through this maze, how should I act towards her? I tend to go between going dark and being friendly and responding to her small talk. I've been cold towards her the last few days and she has continued to update me on the goings-on with S11 and her need to get some dental work done today etc. I guess I'm stuck on trying to figure out where she is coming from, which I know is a mistake because she is in fantasy land and not of sound mind or judgment. I really just want limbo to end, one way or another.
Don't be cold. Read sandi's rules and pay attention to the advice on the friendly cashier. ALso continue to study detachment (cadet's welcome thread has a great length). YOu can also google "self-differentiation in marriage" to get further insight into proper detachment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Good advice, Steve85. "Friendly cashier" can inhibit my ability to detach, though I'm learning. It's tough sometimes to stay off the roller coaster. Example: She just left for dentist and said "Do you need me to pick up anything for you on the way back? Just let me know." She still wants to handle my dry cleaning. I mean, for someone who has stated that the key to her happiness is to dispose of me, she isn't acting like that is the case. Why wouldn't she just up and leave completely? (We are separated, but you get the point).
Your W sounds a lot like my ex (low conflict?) where she was cordial and still did things for me up until the end. She even cleaned my entire house when she moved out. The important thing is not to read into it. I think they truly feel guilty about putting everyone through it. Use it to your advantage. I got a very favorable settlement. Stay strong and keep detaching.
LH, yes, she is low conflict. What is your relationship with your XW and kids like now? Do you feel you are in a better place now than you were at end of M (post BD)?
Very cordial and the kids are doing great 16 months into it. Minor bumps early on but to be honest they are doing great.
100% better place now then the end of the marriage and I had a pretty good WW. Life is to short to try to keep someone who wants out. I just started dating again after taking a break for 3 months. Though I haven’t found the one I want to settle down with there is no shortage of good women available to date. I have zero problem with being alone either.
At this point my advice to you is to open the cage door and set her free if that is her wish.
Ready, what’s the thought process behind your prescribed “cage door” approach?
A caged animal will try to escape. But an animal that is free to choose may choose to enter the cage.
I have housebroken a lot of puppies over the years using the crate method. They sleep and eat in their crate. They sty in their crate when we are not home because dogs will not eat or sleep where they go potty. At first they want out of the crate anytime they are in it. Over time they associate the crate with eating and sleeping. Eventually, after they are housebroken if you leave the crate open they will go into it WILLING to sleep.
WASs are like that. If you try to 'crate' them, they want to escape. Open the crate door and make it their freedom of choose to go or stay, and they might choose to stay.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
