You have to be willing to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. Without a crisis/fear of loss, what would make them want you. Here's another newsflash, she has you, you don't have her. You want her, she doesn't want you. She can have you at any time and she knows it. You can't have her at anytime and you know this. Understand this, accept this, and learn to operate from this point of view. Your current way of thinking and approaching this is not doing you any favors: you're taking steps backwards, not forwards.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you by choice?
That is what she is saying to you: "I have the choice to be with you, I know this, I just don't know that I want to be with you."
Read this, understand that this is where your W is right now.
I'll repeat it again, she has you, she knows this, she can have you at any time that she wants you and it's not terribly exciting for her, especially considering the fact that she's pursuing other men. Look at the dynamic that's in place regarding this, she wants what she can't have, she doesn't want what she does have. You are conquered, easily attainable and human nature dictates that we usually don't appreciate what we have, we usually take it for granted and attribute little value to it. Human nature also dictates that we want what we don't have and we also don't want to be controlled. You are trying to convince her that your marriage is worth saving, even if you say you aren't directly communicating this, you are showing this in your body language, the topics you might discuss, the movies that you watch, etc.
This really hit home for me today. This is the definition of limbo for me. I’m here and ready to work on our MR and she damn well knows it. She’s choosing to withhold. She’s choosing to not be with me. Is it because she knows I’m attainable? Last time I started to make myself scarce, she saw it as a step backward. That’s what I used to do. That’s the old me. That tells her I’m not really changing and this is all fake. She still thinks the only thing I care about is the physical R and that’s all I’m hoping to gain here. If that’s the case, I may have to take a few steps back. I’m not going to sit here and wait for something that I feel is going to happen eventually, but have no guarantees. Our current situation is good in the fact that we’re having better communication but it’s “friend zone” stuff. Small talk with no real content generally. It still feels like we’re sweeping everything under the rug and that’s not ok with me anymore. I have an opportunity the rest of this week to “make myself scarce” while I start gearing up for my hunting trip this weekend. I’ll spend the next two evenings in the basement as is usual for these trips. Then I’m gone for 3 nights and have no plans to call her as I usually do. I’ll get back on Sunday and she’ll be leaving on a work trip the next day for a week. I have 5 days with little to no contact, 1/2 day home together, then another 5 with no contact. This gives me time to really detach and give her some time to process things a little too. I guess I’ll see what happens from there.
Yesterday’s IC session went way better than the first two. I finally left with some real things to think about which is good, but now it’s got me in my head starting to spiral a little. The two main takeaways were that I need to begin recognizing my feelings more, understanding why I’m feeling that way, and express it to my W instead of holding it in. I realized how much my feelings change from the minute I walk in the door after work to an hour later depending on the day. Most of the time, I can remain happy and positive regardless of interaction, or lack thereof, with W. However, there are days where I swing from happy and hopeful to confused and scared. Those were the feelings we started to dig into. I know I get confused when I get little bits of positive feedback from my W one day and then it completely disappears. I don’t expect these things to continue, but can’t help but be confused as to why they vanish suddenly. What is going through mind is something that I may forever confuse me. The fear part I couldn’t completely answer. I know I have a slight fear that “the R we have today is as good as it will ever get” but I’ve been facing that one down and learning to just enjoy today for what it is and try to stop worrying about tomorrow. But I knew there was more to it than that. The other question that I could not answer definitively yesterday was centered how day-to-day is great but I still feel like she is withholding from me; “Why would she do that?” Of course there are several logical reasons almost all of which have been discussed here in depth, but I can’t say for sure because I still have no idea what’s going through her mind. Most likely; she doesn’t love me anymore, she’s confused as to what’s happening with my 180’s and doesn’t trust them, or she’s having an A. I fell asleep processing all of this and jolted awake at 1:00 am when it all came together at once and I started my spiral. Here’s how it went: “Why would she withhold from me?” Because she doesn’t love me. Because she is having an affair. Because she’s planning the D. She’s been dropping little bits of hope for me to keep the peace at home while she’s been making her plans to leave. I’m leaving for a 3 night trip today and it’s been planned for months. She leaves for a work trip for a week on Monday. “What am I afraid of?” I’ll be gone for three days and I’m going to come home to an empty house on Sunday and get served with papers on Monday while she’s on a plane to spend a week with OM (if there is an A).
Trying to snap out of it and stay positive. Debating whether to follow IC advice and tell her I feel confused and why. If I do tell her, do I keep the fear portion to myself, or at least scaled way back?
IMO your IC is giving you bad advice. That’s more for normal marriages not when it’s in crisis.
^^^I agree with LH on this. Spilling your guts to W right now liable to be counterproductive. If you need someone to talk to, find a friend you can trust. It is important to be able to talk these things out sometimes, particularly when you are spinning, but when you have a WAW or WW, your spouse is typically not the best person. I was lucky enough to have a very good friend who was going through a very similar ordeal with his own WW, and being able to talk frankly about evrything that was going on was invaluable for my own mental well being. Hopefully you have such a friend (doesn't have to be someone also experiencing marital discord, just someone you know you can trust.)
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
My MC / IC said the same to me... but I think they are trained to improve relationships where both people are still emotionally invested in it to do work.
I personally consider my WW as an Ex at this point, since they lost respect for you and the marriage. You have to show emotional strength to gain respect and attraction. Telling her that you are scared and confused is not strength, and will further push them away.
Thoughts do run through my head that I should be doing more by pursuing - like in the movies. But then I remind myself that when BD happened, I made it clear to her I wanted to work on the MR. And I remember the look in her eyes and walked out.
