Thanks Job. I know she needs to go through this and I understand a lot of what she has gone through and what led her to this, but I am just trying to understand more. Thanks.
I suggest that you create your own thread, here in the MLC Forum, so that posters can assist you. There are many resources here on this forum and Cadet would be more than happy to post the "homework" assignments to your new thread. Posters then can follow you and you can ask all of the questions that you want on MLC. Also, there are many wonderful posters who would be more than willing to post to you and offer up suggestions and advice that have worked for them.
I suggest that you read some of the other threads and begin posting to others so that they can interact w/you and come visit your thread in Newcomers and here, when you create a thread.
Also, posters have been checking up on you on your thread over in Newcomers today. You might want to go there and update and let them know how you are doing.
I created this thread to help others better understand why the MLCing spouses run away. This thread should help you better understand that you are not at fault for their running, but their childhood issues come to the surface at midlife and they have to go back, revisit them, resolve them if possible, accept what they could or couldn't resolve and grow up.
Every person has life transitions, i.e., ages: 13, 20, 30, 40, etc. Most people are able to navigate those transitions smoothly and very seldom have a crisis take place. Why? Because they developed good, strong coping skills as they grew up.
Those who are unable to navigate some, if not all of those transitions, develop poor coping skills and when midlife looms in front of them, they can't cope. They begin to question their lives, i.e., are they where they wanted to be at this time in their lives, have I done all of the things I wanted to do, what did I miss out on and yes, they begin to get restless and when something comes along that hits the switch and they begin to detach from us, generally 18-24 months prior to the bomb, they become depressed and unhappy and think we are the reason for that unhappiness, just as they think the relationship is the problem as well.
Bottom line, it doesn't matter if they were a nun, a priest, an engineer, a stay at home mom, etc., if they had childhood issues and their coping skills are poor, they were destined to have a crisis because there are some things that they stuffed down for years and years that have now come to the surface and need to be faced head on and dealt w/in their own way. Whether they confront the people who stunted their emotional growth years ago or not, they will need to figure that out on their own. The saying around here is "you didn't break them, therefore you can't fix them" is a very true statement. Step back, detach and allow them the freedom to figure things out for themselves.
The best thing you can do is let them go and leave the door ajar. It takes years for them to come thru the crisis and some will return as the people you knew and loved and others will come out the other end of the rabbit hole w/some of the habits/quirks that they picked up along the way, then there are others who won't be the same at all. And, yes, there are some that remain stuck in the rabbit hole for the rest of their lives looking for that illusive happiness and pot of gold under the rainbow. Which will your spouse be? No one knows at this time.
Let them go and find a way to live your life as if they may never return. Life is far too short to sit there and wait on them. You only have one life to live...so live it. If he/she comes back, the ultimate choice will be yours to decide as to whether you want to try again.
I was in touch with you the other day on someone else's thread. I thought I'd post here though, as I had some further questions if you wouldnt mind, as you seem to be one of the forums MLC gurus. I have my thread in Newcomers (parallel universe).
Thanks for the links you provided the other day. I've pretty much read everything here on the MLC thread. It seems common ground that we are meant to treat the MLC spouse with kindness, compassion, patience and basically be a friend, which I've been doing since BD, even though I was really badly monstered at times after BD.
I've seen though since coming here that there is a big caution against getting in the 'friendzone' with the X, whihc I dont want, both as a matter of principle and in line with the advice on the forum.
I could be overthinking things, but it seems almost as though the LBS needs to adopt a different approach to the concept of how 'friendly' to be with the X based on if the X is suffering MLC as opposed to the WAW scenario (this is the gist of the Q I asked you the other day). I see all the other DB techniques apply regardless.
I'm just a little confused. Would value any further insight from you. Thanks and regds, D
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Some people do not want to be friendly to their spouses while they are floating in space. They would much rather cut them off completely because of what they are doing or have done. However, when we use the words treat them as a friend, it does not mean that you bend over backwards to accommodate their every whim. It means to treat them respectfully and if they ask for advice or need to assistance w/something, you can consider providing whatever they need.
For example, being friendly to a mailman, delivery person, someone you work with or someone you run into on the street, doesn't mean you are going to be gung ho and doing things for them. When you have a roommate, in some cases, you are friendly, but again, that doesn't mean you have to do everything that they ask you to do, etc.
Treat your spouses as you would a delivery person. You are the one in the driver's seat and can determine just have "friendly" that you want to be. Learn to detach lovingly and you will find that it will be easier to deal w/your spouse.
BTW, as I suggested the other day, you should start a thread in this forum so that others can provide advice and assist you. It is very helpful to you, as the poster, to have the responses all in one place, i.e., on your thread, for future reference.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Could I ask another question please? Do you have an understanding of this ‘fog’ that overcomes the mlc mind? I’ve heard it often here on the forum and I’m very curious because in my case, my XW said as her very first words at bd ‘the fog has lifted’ which I just found rather disquieting for some reason.
Thanks again. Regds D
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I have posted my response on your thread in Newcomers. For those reading this thread, my response on the "fog" is as follows:
The "fog" isn't a medical condition all on it's own, but a part of the depression that people experience when the are in MLC. The symptoms are memory problems, irritability, inability to concentrate, and poor motivation. In MLC, depression is the main ingredient. You might want to take some time and read up on depression. You will see many symptoms of the "fog" there.
Start a thread here in MLC and I will be happy to try to answer all of your questions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello wise MLC posters. I’ve been posting in Newcomers but wondering if my situation belongs in here.
My H is 29, I am 31. Together 9 years, married 3. We had our first child 20 months ago and he ran away 5 months ago. At BD I copped a load of abuse. He said he settled for me, I wasn’t good enough for him, I wasn’t the wife he deserved, he wanted to sleep with other people, he wasn’t going to do what society expects of him, he wanted a better life, the only thing he cared about was his own happiness. And that he was leaving for three months to get some space. That turned into a permanent separation after six weeks.
The last time I talked to him, he said he does have thoughts about coming home, but wants to be free to make his own decisions. Looking back at the last five months, his behaviour has been consistent with a mid-life (quarter-life?) crisis - attempting to relive his youth, changing his personality, suddenly focused on health and fitness, acting impulsively, talking in absolutes, avoiding responsibilities, seeking validation from new younger friends, hooking up with a chick who covered him in hickies, buying a new motorbike, tanking his career by telling people he is too good for the company he’s been with for 9 years.
We got together when we were 20/22. We went through the motions of becoming adults together - dating, moving in, engagement, buying a home, marriage, baby - and it's as though H is rejecting it all now at age 29. In the days following BD he said that his happiness peaked at age 20, when life was all about casual work, video games, motor vehicles, and hanging out with the boys. It's obvious that he is not grateful for the life we built, nor does he value it. That's fine. He is free to go and create a life he will appreciate. My approach now is to let him try that on for size and see if he cares about what he has lost.
My feeling now is that this is a deeper problem than an unhappy marriage - it is an unhappy life. He distanced himself from family and friends when the crisis started, has made a laughing stock of himself at work, and most importantly, has become an uninterested and unengaged parent. When I asked him why he left our son as well when he walked out, he said he just needed to escape from the world. Must be nice to have that luxury when your spouse is left at home picking up the pieces.
Does this sound like MLC? Is there any difference between MLC H and WH/WAH? I imagine the LBS approach is the same?
Please start a thread here in MLC. You will get more responses if you do so and you can then track and refer back to your threads as you travel the path.
Also, you will use the same techniques that you use for the walkaways as you do the MLCers. Yes, it does sound like he may be experiencing a crisis, but it is not a MLC. It could very well be a "quarter life" crisis, whereby people go through growth periods as teenagers, again, at 20, 30, etc. If they do not complete these growth periods, they will eventually have what is called a "mid-life crisis".
Let's talk more about this when you create a thread of your own.
Last edited by job; 11/09/1907:38 PM. Reason: added additional comments
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
