So, having a discussion about holiday schedules on Friday. We have done holidays together for 25 years and my kids know nothing else. W wants to go with her family and I take kids to my family. For obvious reasons, I have some strong feelings about this. I don't want to have to explain anything (or lie) to family and kids. I know many here have dealt with this before, so your input/advice is certainly welcomed.
Do you think my W would be thinking the same? She is having an A with another woman. Does that matter?
Could you be a little more specific about what I said? As for a spouse having an affair with the same sex partner, I see no difference in how the betrayed spouse should respond. An affair is an affair!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just wanted to touch on one of Sandi's thoughts some more, regarding how hard it hit her when her H said they would not be BFF's and she would not have the option of returning home if she left. It was because she knew he was SERIOUS. He did not say those things as tricks to get her back. A lot of LBS's will go through the motions of saying things like that hoping it scares the WAS into staying. That does not work because WAS's can tell when you mean it and when it's just lip service. And if you say it as a trick and then later try and recant, she will lose what little respect may still be left. Tricks don't ever work. Mean what you say, and be 100% willing to follow through, or don't say it to begin with.
AS/Sandi-- not to hijack this thread, but I have a thought/question about this. My H is/was in an EA and every R talk we had post BD, I have been absolutely adamant that if we D we will NOT be friends-- I've painted this incredibly bleak picture of D, including threatening to go for full custody, hiring the meanest L I can, all our friends and family would know he's a cheating a**hole, what our girls will think, etc. He, on the other hand, has this ridiculous fantasy of D where we are still best friends and eat dinner together every night, still vacation together as a family, he just goes off to his other house (and presumably AP). My stance has caused him to get incredibly angry with me, he's talked about it at length with his IC (who has told him that we are both intelligent people and we can make D however we want it to be), says over and over he knows I'm not that kind of person, I wouldn't deny our kids time with him (and then alternatively AM I really this evil of a person to threaten these things???), etc etc. However, I meant it 100%. I'm not proud of it, but that is where I am emotionally.
Anyway, this has been a point of contention and the last couple of R talks we've had he's really pushed that if he can consider my point of view (building a new, better MR... he thinks his two choices are D or a passionless co-parenting MR and doesn't see the possibility of the third way) I need to be more open to the idea of what a positive co-parenting D relationship would look like. I have told him that I'm not ready-- for me to be able to consider that option, of D without being enemies, I need to feel like we've both really tried before I am willing to consider other alternative scenarios in which we might be friends.
All to my major question-- I wonder if I hadn't been as adamant about not being friends (and meant it) early on, maybe he would have moved out, or moved down to the basement? He's said he's wanted to a couple of times but never acted on it. If this is/was a significant factor in him staying, that would be really helpful for me to know as I move forward (so I don't soften on this one-- I feel like I'm starting to) but also might be a helpful bit of info for other LBSs.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
So, having a discussion about holiday schedules on Friday. We have done holidays together for 25 years and my kids know nothing else. W wants to go with her family and I take kids to my family. For obvious reasons, I have some strong feelings about this. I don't want to have to explain anything (or lie) to family and kids. I know many here have dealt with this before, so your input/advice is certainly welcomed.
W wants to go with her family and I take kids to my family.
Agree to this.
As far as questions,
"Where is W?" H:"There are some things going on and we thought it best if she spent Thanksgiving with her family" "Everything all right?" H:"I can fill you in on the details later" Then change subject.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just some observations from the last couple of days. I've noticed W's language (more swearing) and clothing choices (generally dressing down) have reverted back to those of someone in the early 20s. She remains mellow and cordial while going through the motions when she is at the home. She mentioned that I looked good in the sweater I was wearing when I arrived home after work/GAL-ing last night as well. Not reading anything into that, other than it was the first comment she's made like that since BD. Holiday schedule discussion still slated for Friday.
So, having a discussion about holiday schedules on Friday. We have done holidays together for 25 years and my kids know nothing else. W wants to go with her family and I take kids to my family. For obvious reasons, I have some strong feelings about this. I don't want to have to explain anything (or lie) to family and kids. I know many here have dealt with this before, so your input/advice is certainly welcomed.
Any advice on this?
You've got to cross that bridge sooner or later. Your W is ready to cross it now so you need to as well. Like R2C said you don't have to answer the hard questions right now but at the same time you don't want to lie about the situation. "W and I are going through some issues and are working on them, it's not something I wish to discuss right now but I appreciate your support."
So W just texted me (unsolicited) info on her nephew's college football game this weekend. Said, "In case you are looking for something to do with (S11).... not sure if you saw this." Is this a test of some sort?
As for a spouse having an affair with the same sex partner, I see no difference in how the betrayed spouse should respond. An affair is an affair!