Confused and not sure how to proceed

[DS9]

Hey KB

In my case, I survived a little over 2 months living with XW after BD. I was trapped in a 70m2 shack, sleeping on the floor in the tiny lounge room on a matress next to XW, S and SD. I had to leave for my sanity. I couldn't take the gut churn I got every time I pulled in the driveway from work. It surprised my XW when i said I was leaving, but she quickly said she realised she couldnt live with me either apparently, despite wanting us to still live together as 'friends' for financial security.

I'd give it a little more time and thought, especially if you have somewhere to retreat to in the house. I had nowhere, and I mean nowhere, I could retreat to, whihc was tough if getting monstered or treated like a scorned stranger.

I dont know if its made it easier to detach, as I'm still very much slogging that path. If I'd stayed, I think I'd have been worse emotionally. If you do move, maybe stay with friends, or just somebody, because it gets lonely sometimes.

Give it more time before making a call.

Good luck mate. Cheers DS

[BenB]

For me, the first two weeks were the worst after w moved out. I'm still not detached but it definitely helps me knowing that the cake eating stopped. W can no longer have any of the benefits that comes with being mrs BenB. And while it may not be for everybody, it's made it easier not to think of her as much.

But we don't have kids so not sure if it will be the same for you. And I'm introverted so I thrive being alone. But like I said the first two weeks were horrible and I was scared of being alone. Now I'm enjoying it and started dating again. I'm now remembering all the fun parts of being single. But it sure took a while to get to where I am today.

[kbuenob]

DS9, BenB

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

From what the vets here are saying, it's best to stay in the marital home- especially with kids.

Im going to try my best to DB while we are living together. I've been thinking of some boundaries to put in place.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS BOUNDARY?

Out of of the goodness of my heart, I felt it was appropriate that I take on more of the financial responsibilities since I make slightly more money than my wife (take home). Kind of like a 60/40 split. I already pay for our health insurance etc.

I'm uncomfortable doing that now, because I feel like i'm being taken advantage of while she's having her A. I want to tell her that I'm no longer paying any of her personal bills (she has a medical bill under her name that I'm paying for), and we're splitting all of our expenses (rent, utility) 50/50 until I know she's no longer having an affair- or until she moves out. I'm also taking away all the little subscriptions- netflix, spotify etc. If she needs those, she can get her own accounts. Why should I help her out while she stepping all over me?

Does this boundary seem vindictive, or fair? I'd rather save or use the money on my S then pay for her A.

What do you think? Can you guys help me out with how I should tell her?

[AnotherStander]

She's on her phone as always, laughing out loud, constantly receiving text messages no doubt from her lover. She seems so happy to be interacting with OW and not with me. It definitely hurts. Especially when I visualize all those text messages between them that I saw. I love you, I miss you, babe. Cant wait to cuddle with you etc. It hurts bad. She was my babe, and we made a commitment to each other. Now she's "loving" another woman.

She's definitely ramping up the disrespect. Now that it's out in the open she doesn't feel the need to hide anything. The question is how long you can tolerate that, because it's not going to change anytime soon.

How can they really love each other? Their relationship is built on lies and deceit. The OW is toxic and breaking up a family. How can my W love her?

Google "limerence". Your W is experiencing all the wonderful feelings of limerence right now. Typically it lasts from a few months to a year.

How can my W tell OW that she loves her when WE had sex just the other day? Is she really a lesbian now? I feel like my W is lost and don't know if she will ever find her way back.

She's probably going through something like MLC and is exploring and experimenting and trying to discover who she is. It's all new and exciting to her for the moment. How long it will last is anyone's guess. You have no control over that, what you do have control over is you. That's where your focus needs to be.

I have pictures of the text messages between my W and OW and can easily expose.

To who and for what reason? I know you're hurting and miserable but don't make things worse by pursuing some form of revenge because that typically ends up backfiring.

HOW DO I STOP THE AFFAIR???

As R2C said, you can't. Anything you try to do will just make their bond stronger, they'll feel it's them united against the world.

I want to talk to her about moving out this house. Rent is quite expensive and I have been thinking about this even before the BD. I can use that as a potential way for us to separate- a clean slate. She can find a place to live and i can find my own. We can talk about splitting time with our son. I will be talking to a few lawyers soon and will ask about that as well.

What should I do guys?

Give yourself some time to process this and find your footing again. Do talk to a L so you're prepared for whatever happens. Don't rush into anything, think about it for a few weeks or month or longer. Consider your options, think about what's best for you and S.

[AnotherStander]

From what the vets here are saying, it's best to stay in the marital home- especially with kids.

That is usually what we recommend when you own your home, but in your case you're renting month-to-month so that's a different situation.

Im going to try my best to DB while we are living together. I've been thinking of some boundaries to put in place.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS BOUNDARY?

Out of of the goodness of my heart, I felt it was appropriate that I take on more of the financial responsibilities since I make slightly more money than my wife (take home). Kind of like a 60/40 split. I already pay for our health insurance etc.

I'm uncomfortable doing that now, because I feel like i'm being taken advantage of while she's having her A. I want to tell her that I'm no longer paying any of her personal bills (she has a medical bill under her name that I'm paying for), and we're splitting all of our expenses (rent, utility) 50/50 until I know she's no longer having an affair- or until she moves out. I'm also taking away all the little subscriptions- netflix, spotify etc. If she needs those, she can get her own accounts. Why should I help her out while she stepping all over me?

Does this boundary seem vindictive, or fair? I'd rather save or use the money on my S then pay for her A.

What do you think? Can you guys help me out with how I should tell her?

I don't think you understand what a boundary is. A boundary is to protect yourself, and it must have ramifications if it isn't honored.

Let's say your W starts screaming at you, here is an ineffective boundary:

"Stop yelling at me!"

Or what? There's no stated ramification. So she keeps yelling at you and you yell back, or you sit there and cower.

Another ineffective boundary:

"Stop yelling at me or I will ask you to leave."

You can't make her leave, so your ramification is completely dependent upon her choosing whether or not to honor it, and that makes it worthless.

Effective boundary:

"I will not tolerate you raising your voice to me, if you continue to do so I will hang up/ leave."

THIS is a good boundary, because if she continues yelling then YOU take immediate action on your own. If on the phone you simply hang up. If she calls back immediately you don't answer. If it's in person you leave the room or even the house.

So now that you know the difference, you need to understand that if your boundary is going to be something like "I will not remain under the same roof with you if you continue to engage in an affair" then you've got to A) determine a consequence for that and B) be 100% ready to follow through. When you're talking about an A, there is little you can do as far as a consequence other than separate or divorce. And you've got to be very sure you are OK with that, because that is probably what she wants anyway and basically you'll be doing all the hard work she doesn't want to do!

Please note that this isn't "effective" in the sense that it changes anything on her part, because it probably won't. It is effective because it protects YOU from further harm, damage and heartache resulting from her A.

So that's a boundary. As far as canceling Netflix and such, that's up to you but just understand it won't change anything and she will probably think you're being petty and vindictive. Frankly that's kind of a passive/aggressive NGS move. This is just my own opinion but personally I am an "all-in" type of guy, I would be telling her to find a place to live and I am doing the same because I'm not renewing the lease given the present circumstances. No boundary, I would just say that's it, we're splitting. THEN I would terminate Netflix and such, and quit paying her medical bills.

[Ready2Change]

I would be telling her to find a place to live and I am doing the same because I'm not renewing the lease given the present circumstances. No boundary, I would just say that's it, we're splitting. THEN I would terminate Netflix and such, and quit paying her medical bills.

This is what I would do as well. Until she moves out, I would be enjoying my master bedroom while she is in the other room.

It is extremely important to do things in a specific order.


I am supporting you because you have a child. He is the most important thing.

Now that you have had a few days to process, I would put these at the top of your list of things to do:

Speaking with a lawyer

Written Parenting plan. I did not move out of the marital home until I had a 50/50 parenting plan. This was against the advise of my lawyer. I don't know how many other sitch you have read here, but you don't want to one of the dads that leave and the mother claims abandonment and they are fighting to get time with their kids.

[Ready2Change]

Read this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2871757#Post2871757

[kbuenob]

Thanks as always AS & R2C

I will be speaking to a lawyer this week, tried setting some appointments today but everyone is out of office due to Veterans Day. I'll try again tomorrow.

I'll also look into the 50/50 parenting plan with the L

I would be telling her to find a place to live and I am doing the same because I'm not renewing the lease given the present circumstances. No boundary, I would just say that's it, we're splitting. THEN I would terminate Netflix and such, and quit paying her medical bills.

I guess this is what I was looking for. I'm ready to let go. I've been in pain for too long and it hurts when I see her everyday. I'll be able to focus on myself and son. She can live her life with the OW. I need to start living mine again.

Depending on what the L says, I'm thinking that i'll give my landlord 30 days notice January 1st, 2020 and be out of the rental by Feb.

Out of respect for my in-laws, I'd like to give them notice as well. Is that appropriate? I'm pretty close with her dad, and I asked to have his daughter's hand in marriage. Seems like I owe it to him to at least talk to him about the situation.

[kbuenob]

That's powerful. I hope to maintain that sense of composure and confidence when I tell my wife that we're leaving the rental

[KristinG]

KB,

I have been following your sitch and trying to think of some good advice for you. I think I can speak for everyone here when we say that the stage you're in hurts like h*ll. It isn't going to be like ripping a bandaid off - quick and painless. Be prepared for a long ride or prepared to walk away.

I am a LBS that happens to be a lesbian. The fact is, women are very different from men and I want to help you be a little more prepared because we are all rooting for you. It sounds like your WW is quite enamored with this OW and definitely feeling limerent. The good news is, it will pass. The bad news is that she probably has what SHE perceives as VERY deep feelings for the OW. We women are very emotional creatures and once that bond forms, it is really hard to break. Like many of the team here have told you - you cannot change anything she is doing. Nothing that you do will effect her decision to end the affair. Things you do, however, can effectively push them (your WW and OW) much closer together.

You have been doing a great job of venting here and not making rash decisions. Keep that level head. You WW will most certainly push your buttons and her subconscious goal will be to get you to "give her a reason" to leave or move closer to AP.

ie: "well you kicked me out of our house" or "you pushed me away and she was there for me"

Be especially careful about telling anyone. I understand your need to vent and find support from friends and family. I was there. I made mistakes. My ww felt ashamed and felt like she didn't have any support or friends (because they were there for me) and thus moved right into the arms of a waiting "friend" OW. So use caution and don't approach your ww in a way that would induce the feelings of shame or remorse. You want her to feel those things on her own, in her own time. She might never. But, again, nothing you do can help get her there. Everything you do can give her merit (in her mind) to be with AP.

Stay strong and work on yourself and being a great dad. You already have a leg up on most because you're here and finding support early. The vets can definitely help with great advice.