I’m just curious. How is your situation changing after this talk from before the talk? Are you filing for divorce? Is someone moving out? If there will be no custody agreement, no child support agreement, are you still going to support her?
Because it seems as if everything is exactly the same as before except she told you she isn’t willing to work on things. The only difference is verbalization, but it appears as if you will be living life the same?
Unfortunately by the time that you get here you can DB perfectly and still get the same end result. I would argue that you were able to DB well because you became detached and ready to walk away after 4 months. That rarely happens.
The truth is if your wive wanted things to get better she would have been an active participant in making things better. My guess is the reason she doesn’t want to make it better is because there is an OM involved.
I’m going to answer everybody’s questions. Before I do. I want everyone to realize that not all of these situations are the same. divorce busting I don’t think would have ever worked for me because she had been done for such a long time. And I mean a really long time. Years. She had been faking it for years. She told me 4 years ago that if we didn’t have son together she would have left. I have been blind to the fact that she has been miserable for years. I’m very confident in the decision I have made. Even though it brought fresh pain to me that I didn’t really see coming. I’m still extremely confident in my decision. I will explain why later below
Your questions:
Our sitch is different now because I verbally let her go. I told her I want her to be happy and I won’t hold her back Neither one of us is filing for anything yet. No one is moving out. Our lease is not up until the end of March. We don’t like the house we are in so we were not planning on renewing it anyways. What happens between now and then I have no idea and I’m not stressed about it.
On supporting her. I will do what I think is right. I will not let the mother of my son struggle to survive. I will not pay for her every need. But her ceiling right now is about $12/hr. I’m going to have to help her
Ok on to LH. I’m not sure that a hybrid of DB and something else might not be the best for my sitch. I am 100 percent confident that there is no OM. Her words, her actions and other intangibles confirm this to me. There is so much good that has come from the convo. Our communication is off the charts. We are being very careful with the each other’s feelings. The best word I can think of to describe it is tender. The way she apologized for the pain she has caused me was so heart felt words can’t describe it. And I believe in the bottom of my heart that we still have a chance. I do not think however that it will come until have separated. I plan on being an active participant of helping her find her own place if it does come to that. She told me how her family has tried to get her to try to “get me” in court. To which she quashed their recommendations. I told her that I had talked to a lawyer in the past to know my rights. She said she hasn’t even looked for a lawyer. Tell me honestly. How many of the Waws on here sit there and laugh through their tears when recounting the good times with their H. I was surprised when she said she wanted to keep a copy of wedding pictures. She was hurt when I told her that it surprised me. She said “just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean that still isn’t the happiest day of my life. Why wouldn’t I want them”. We sat there and looked at a picture of us kissing that is hanging on the wall. This made her cry. “Look at us” she said “ we were so young”. She has been scared of loosing S because my family has money and hers does not. She has ignored her families advice abou how to get him from me. It is very obvious that she is just tired, stressed, overwhelmed, and sad. She has told me that it just finally got so bad she didn’t know what else to do then to hurt me. This is how she explained it. While sobbing
“Things were fine. But then we moved out to the farm because there was more money out there and you began to change. At first when I would bring my issues up to you, you would work on them. And then things would get better, for a month or two. Then they would slide back to the way they were. I would get frustrated and bring them up again and the same thing would happen again. Then we moved out to the country where I didn’t know anybody and had no friends. We kept repeating the same cycle of you trying harder then sliding back to old ways. Eventually I stopped being frustrated and became angry. After a a year or so more of that I began to resent you and look for a way out. But I realized you held all the cards and your family had all the money. So I decided to stay and try harder. But then I just began to not care. That was the only way I knew how to deal with the pain. Was to just not care. And after a while of that. I didn’t look at you the same way any more”. Why Oz!? Why didn’t you care enough to work on our issues?! “
She then asked my many times why why why. She said the only thing she could figure is that I just didn’t care enough to work on it.
At this point I was very emotional. I have never wished I could “go back” so badly in my life.
Our convo provided perspective, closure, and I believe our best path toward the slim chance of recon. The fact the she actually said. “ I don’t know what the future holds, who knows. After being friends for a couple years we may to decide to try again”.
This was brutal heart wrenching gut punching honesty from both of us. And in a way. It felt like a weight was lifted.
She talked about how she failed the marriage as well. She didn’t deny any of her shortcomings.
So now, nothing has been said about it again. I think the plan is for us to calmly and being very careful of each other’s feelings decide who gets what. And find our own places when the lease is up.
She said last night “I would like it one day a week you son and I all go out and do something together moving forward.
This path I’ve chosen I don’t recommend to to many on here. But I also think my situation is unique.
Last night the topic of our separation was brought up again. We were both exhausted from the EXTREME emotional roller coaster the night before. And we both got a little snappy. Then we realized it and settled down. I stood up and told her to do the same. She stood and we hugged. For a very very long time. I even tried to let her go a few times and she wouldn’t let go. She just kept on holding on tight, head in my chest. I kissed her forehead and told her that we would get through this. And then we went to bed.
Last night the topic of our separation was brought up again. We were both exhausted from the EXTREME emotional roller coaster the night before. And we both got a little snappy. Then we realized it and settled down. I stood up and told her to do the same. She stood and we hugged. For a very very long time. I even tried to let her go a few times and she wouldn’t let go. She just kept on holding on tight, head in my chest. I kissed her forehead and told her that we would get through this. And then we went to bed. Just now
Do you think you would have been able to do this if you had not followed DB advise?
Keep on the personal growth path. Be a man that only a fool would leave.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If you are truly done, I really think you need to do this legally. Because when she does get a boyfriend and you are supporting her without a legal document, you aren’t going to like it very much. And I wouldn’t really listen to her saying “she won’t be dating for a while” because I bet your bottom dollar the second she finds someone who sweeps her off her feet and offers her something financially, she’s going to drop that tune.
Why aren’t you doing this the legal way? You really want to open yourself up to the many things that can go wrong?
Honestly, if you are truly done as you ya you are, you would be a fool to not protect yourself .
Thanks R2C. That is the plan. I’m going to try to gently lead the way through our separation. It’s a sad business but I’m surprised how much the pain has already receded in the last 48 hrs. It’s going to take some work but I’m able to handle it. I came here trying to save my marriage, thanks to this forum I have learned how to save myself. I have much work to do yet, but I’m gonna be ok.
I do carry a small hope that someday we find our way back to each other. But I’m not counting on it. It’s just something I refuse to rule out.
I’m sure there will be more painful moments coming up for both of us. The last night in the same bed. The first morning alone. When I help her find her place and help her move into it. When she helps with mine.
But I am determined to lead the way as a strong, but gentle loving man. But I’m not going to hide my emotions either.
As a man. And as a mechanic. I always believe something can be fixed. Now that her and and I have opened everything up. And we can basically talk about anything. Teary eyed or not there are so many questions I want to ask her. But I don’t know if I should.
This will be day number 2 that we haven’t spoken about separation. She told me two nights ago that she is afraid I’m just going to try to brush all of this under the rug like I have for the 10 years. I assured her I wouldn’t that I know she is done and I wanted what’s best for her
The question I have for you guys is.
How much do I talk about separation and how we are going to navigate it since she hasn’t brought it up again
All sitches are unique. Yours is only a very unique due to your cancer.
Just because you "set her free" doesn't mean that DBing principles don't apply. Because they do. And discussing separation is a R talk. And you should not initiate R talks.
If you are still concerned that she is just using you for security.... Then go file for D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
