I recommend IC. If for nothing else, it helped me get all the confusing and contradicting thoughts out of my head and seeing someone taking notes helped me to let go of a lot of it. I walked in to my first session and wasn’t sure where I would start. I was out of my comfort zone but as soon as I sat on the couch, it all came pouring out. I put blind trust in someone I had just met to listen to everything I had to say, begin to organize all my cluttered thoughts, and determine where to start. Fastest 50 minutes of my life. I walked out with a significant weight off my shoulders and a little clarity in my head.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
...last night I had sex with W.... but just need some advice on how i should act moving forward.
Just keep making positive changes to your behavior. If something is working, keep doing it. If something is not working, stop and try something different.
Remember that her behavior is not the measurement stick. Your behavior is. Were you needy? NO.
You will be traveling down several parallel paths for a while.
From this point forward, your job is to protect the relationship, in a non-needy way. Old you did not know this. The new you does.
My current lady has worked in the service industry as a bar-tender. I had to be comfortable with her interacting with other men, even her flirting with them. I was very observant. Keeping an eye out for red flags. You are in a similar circumstance. Be very aware that other men want your wife. How you respond is important. Controlling behavior is unattractive. Protecting behavior is attractive.
When I was married, I was ignorant. I allowed W to have some close male friends. I am sure at least one of these was inappropriate.
Right now it is important for you to keep challenging your current beliefs. Read as much as you can.
If you have another opportunity to have sex with W, I strongly suggest that you have some new "tricks" that pleasantly surprise her. Start doing research now. You have been with her a long time. She needs some excitement. She needs to be surprised by the new you.
Last edited by DS9; 11/05/1910:37 PM.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
To me, "cake-eating" is when a wayward spouse gets some of their physical and emotional needs met by their OW/OM, while some of their other emotional, sometimes physical, and usually financial needs are being met by their betrayed spouse, without condition or consequence. When this condition is reached, there is really no incentive for the adulterous spouse to stop their infidelity, because they are "having their cake, and eating it, too."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I really like this thread. It's very helpful and informative, especially to newcomers who are trying make sense out of all the expressions folks use around here.
I have stressed this many times on the board and I'm glad to see it stressed here again. Keeping a low profile works well when you've been pursuing and chasing, begging and crying. Going dark- pulling back and being scarce- represents novel behavior. Novelty shakes up the dice and increases the chances your spouse will react in new ways. However, as has been suggested, if you've been the sort of person who has taken a back seat throughout much of your marriage, going dark may seem like old hat.
The key to DBing, whether it's the last resort, going dark, acting as if, or just focusing on the exceptions, is to try something, notice the results and allow those results to guide your future actions. Modify your approach if your spouse responds in undesirable ways. Keep doing what seems to be working. This sort of mind set will get you a lot further than trying to think of what's right or wrong. If your marriage becomes more loving, it's right. If you push your spouse away and what you want is a close relationship, it's wrong. This makes life somewhat simpler.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Only a DAM (and trust me, I NEVER use that term, b/c I generally don't like it) characterizes an emotional affair as "just" an EA. To a woman, it is FAR more serious for her go give her heart to another man in an ongoing, emotional relationship than to give in to him for a ONS or even a period sexual one.
If you don't believe me, just poll the women on the forum.
ONLY A DUMB-ASS MAN MINIMIZES THE THREAT OF AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR!!!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I say this fairly frequently around here, but no one thing got you here and no one thing will make or break things. It took a long time to get to this point and will take a long time to resolve it. Don't sweat the small convos. Try to listen and validate and be polite, and if you are and she reacts negatively then you know it's because of some internal conflict and not anything you said or did.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It also does not mean throw your weight around and bark out orders.
But I would honestly love to hear from any of the women out here as to whether or not they would have respect for a man who allowed a wandering female spouse to do whatever they chose to do and just accepted it.
To me man up means to be honest about who you are and what you think is appropriate from a spouse.
And yes, sometimes that means boundaries. But as J3B is quick to remind us, boundaries mean nothing unless we are ready and willing to enforce them. And that means consequences.
Consequences are not punishments.
We are not dealing with children here.
Our spouse, regardless of their wacked out emotional condition, knows dog gone well what is right and what is not. They might have become like an alien, but they have not left the planet. They know full well when they are crossing lines.
It's my belief that reasonably applied and enforced boundaries for behavior, with consequences that are for OUR protection and care, are not things that close the door or seal the deal for our wives.
And if you are a man who is tolerating a cheating, cake eating spouse, and encouraging that behavior by condoning it implicitly through your neediness, I think you're much more likely to be treading down the path of "sealing the deal."
A woman who does not respect you is not going to want to return to you.
There is room for manning up. In fact there is a strong need for it with some of the guys who come to this board. We just need to be good about making it clear just what that means and doesn't mean.
You think this woman is going to tell you how to man up. I'm not.
I'm also going to tell you to be careful about joining in on the 'man up' bandwagon.
Only you know what you can live with. On YOU ... IF you experiment....try different things and monitor results. Honestly. Keep a log. Your buddies nor your friends here. They can offer brainstorming solutions.......but they don't live your life or with your wife.
Setting boundaries with consequences MAY work.....setting boundaries with a lot of discussion MAY work (because you're dealing with a woman).
Getting tough....I can pretty much tell you .... is you are LUCKY if it works. It probably isn't.
Being a pushover isn't going to work.
So WORK your tools in DR.....it isn't hard, actually.
But don't jump on the blame your spouse or get tough bandwagon if you'd like to keep your family together.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
