Married 20 years, dated 9 years (so 29 years together). 4 girls 18, 15, 13 & 5. W is WAW, at BD told me she hasn't loved me for 6 years, I've felt her distant for the last 2+ years. Didn't want counseling, didn't want to do anything for R, we're heading towards D. Mediation in a week and a half, court date Dec 12. She's still home, but wants to move out.
Currently W is in NYC, some friends (or a friend) from work bought her a ticket and she's been gone from Thursday to Monday. She's been texting quite a bit, mostly about kids. No arguments so far ...
Today I got a text from her at 1AM, she sent some heart emojis for D5 and said good morning (!?). I took D15 to a retreat, she video called her to wish her well. W saw that my D had a letter, which I wrote for her to read at the retreat. She then texts me;
W: "I noticed D15 had a letter from you. I asked you if they were collecting some and you said no. I would have liked to have sent her one.[ No need to talk about this. Just wanted you to know" (no need to talk about this, just wants to complain and that's it ... geez)
Didn't know how to "validate" this, because it was completely off. At this retreat letters are not a thing, doesn't mean you can't just do one yourself. I replied; "Thanks for letting me know. No, they're not doing letters, sent you the list of stuff they needed the other day. That's no a thing in these retreats. Just wrote her a letter of encouragement this morning"
No more discussions about that. Again, she's in that mode of looking to pick a fight / complain about anything. I can't believe she noticed my daugther had a piece of paper over facetime and she decided to complain about this (!!)
I sent her some pictures of D15, she commented how beautiful she looked and that's been it. I'm trying to validate as much as possible whenever there's a chance in the texts that she's been sending. I will say she's been sending more than usual when she's away, probably missing the kids a lot.
W: "I noticed D15 had a letter from you. I asked you if they were collecting some and you said no. I would have liked to have sent her one. No need to talk about this. Just wanted you to know"
Didn't know how to "validate" this, because it was completely off.
Validating her feelings doesn't imply agreeing with her facts:
"I get you're disappointed you didn't give her a letter, and seeing my letter to her may have rubbed it in.Correct--the staff didn't request and aren't collecting letters."
I get it was important to you to clarify the facts, so this reply validates feelings then confirms facts.
On day 5 of my W leaving to go to NYC. Communication has been only via text, mostly about kids. Things of note are here being thankful for me taking care of kids, and her complaining about the item I mentioned above with D15's retreat (which she ends today).
Last text from her at 10pm last night, wishing D5 a goodnight. Nothing this morning.
In the meantime, I continue to finish paperwork and crap for financial disclosure, which is frustrating as hell. And today I'm feeling specially powerless in the face of not being able to do anything to salvage my M or keep my family together.
Yesterday I found something my W wrote me, in the 1st / 2nd year of our marriage. All the things she liked about me, all the things she liked doing with me. This was before we had kids, the very early times, when we would wake up late on weekends and just hang out laying in bed. I didn't cry, but it did make me sad.
I wanted to call her, and read it to them and talk about how we can go back to those. I want to text her and tell her how much I miss her, that I love her. I want to tell her how this D will not solve underlying issues, will make it more difficult for us to raise our kids. I want to ask her to think about it again.
But I know that won't work. I've tried it all and it hasn't changed anything, at least not changed it for the better. This is the most difficult test of my life, and I don't know if I'm going to pass it ...
I sent my wife some pictures of D15 as I picked her up from retreat, she thank me for them, was happy to see she liked the retreat. She sent me some texts for D5, I sent her some pictures, she was happy to see her and sent me some advise on her food. So cordial stuff today. She comes back tomorrow, no idea at what time, haven't really asked (well I did before she left, but she says she didn't know).
I've been pretty sad today. Really feeling the loss of our relationship, and the further and impending feeling and fact that our family will be broken apart.
Yesterday and today, I found out how isolated my W has made herself from everybody that we know except her work friends and her distant family in Puerto Rico. A neighbor said she stopped doing the car pool with our kids, because her kids told her that they couldn't stand my W yelling at our kids.
The next door neighbor found out we're getting a D, and she also made a comment about my W that surprised me, I thought they got a long better ...
In the last month I've found from friends that we had that they stopped talking to us because one or other confrontation they had with my W that I didn't know about. It's both surprising to me and embarrassing, I feel I was blind to so many things in our R, because she's my W and I would try to not focus on the negative. Didn't do me any good in the long run.
I feel like she's gotten rid of everybody, our friends, her old family, and that I'm the last thing she's trying to get rid of. It's an awful and exasperating feeling. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Exactly. I'm sorry you are going through this. I feel the same way that you do and I can't understand why she'd be ok with tearing everything apart.
But...I can tell you it get's a little easier every few months (sorry, yes, months) and if you work on yourself and make some positive changes in your life you'll be better off in the end. It's also quite likely the best chance you'll have of R.
Be strong for you kids and focus on the things that are in your control...your W is not something or someone you can control.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I wanted to call her, and read it to them and talk about how we can go back to those. I want to text her and tell her how much I miss her, that I love her. I want to tell her how this D will not solve underlying issues, will make it more difficult for us to raise our kids. I want to ask her to think about it again
Im sorry brother. thats how I feel as well. I found some old letters she has written to me while I was deployed to Thailand. She wrote about how much she missed me and couldn't wait until I returned home. She really loved me. I KNOW IT WAS REAL. I would give anything to feel that love again.
But now the only fighting chance is that I have to fight for myself and my son. Its the only way. I have to really believe in my heart that i'm AMOAFWL. Maybe she will see that and come back...or not. Nothing is guaranteed.
So my W went quiet last night until this afternoon. I texted her last night at what time she'd be home, around 10pm, didn't hear from her (none of us did). Then I texted her again this morning, she responded back like at 12.
She'll be back from her "trip" today in like half an hour. I've been cleaning up and doing chores around the house, but I need to get busy finishing my financial information for the mediation.
Any advise on what I should do when she gets home? I was thinking of just saying hi and leaving, I don't feel like hanging around waiting for her to drop details of her trip or any other awkwardness. To be honest, I'm also a bit upset. But I don't want to just leave and then have her say that I'm bitter about the whole thing. Any ideas?
She came back. I stayed in MBR cleaning for a bit. Got out, said hi, didn't ask how trip went or anything. Went back to room, got on a phone call and she stopped by and interrupted several times. She did at one point ask me if she could ask me something while I was in the call and I motioned I couldn't.
I don't know if she felt weird I wasn't lingering around. She got the kids ready to drive around a bit, and has been texting to coordinate a few things.
She texted that D15 needed a ride from where she was to dance, so she got her an uber. I told her I could have taken her, she said that's what she wanted to tell me :-/
