Augusto, very sorry you're going through this! It's hard enough without the WAS going into screaming witch mode. But it happens, and all you can do is detach. Rooskers offered some great advice.
Originally Posted by Augusto
For some reason, she has no money. I don't know why, she has her own account and I can't see it.
I think we had this discussion before unless I'm mixing your sitch up with someone else's, but I highly recommend you come up with a set amount that you transfer every week/ bi-weekly or monthly. Make it clear to her that that's what she gets, period. She needs to learn to balance her finances on her own, might as well start now. If you maintain this situation where she has to keep asking you and you have to keep meting it out to her, then that is just going to cause a lot of anger and resentment as you've discovered. Transfer X to her and that's it. If she spends it on purses and shoes and runs out of gas as a result, that's not your problem.
You've got to detach! Quit getting drawn into long convos. Quit rescuing her every time she screws up. Leave her alone!
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She's just upset in general that she doesn't have money
And who's fault is that? She wants to be single, let her be single. She's got to discover that the single life isn't all rainbows and roses.
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Yesterday she just wouldn't even say hi. Against my better judgment I decided to ask her what was wrong
And it backfired. So what did you learn?
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I should have not asked her why she was upset and just let her be.
Exactly.
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But we've regressed here, and I have no idea why.
It's normal. This isn't a linear process. There are good days and bad days.
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We were going to go to mediation next Tuesday. I asked my L to postpone it, I have a super important meeting I can't miss that day and it's being moved to Dec. I expect my W to be super upset at this, she thinks I'm delaying the whole process. Which I'm not consciously doing.
Quit worrying about her reactions. If she can't be angry with you about that she'll find another reason. Let her be angry- her circus, her monkeys.
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She asked me to pay some of her bills, because her credit score dropped again (ironic because she screwed both of ours) but I had to email my L to see if I'm supposed to pay those or not. Haven't heard a response yet.
Again, quit rescuing her. Pay her bills to raise her credit score? Are you kidding me????? Not in a million years.
You can't placate her. You can pay all her bills, pay for all her gas, take her shopping for shoes every day, and she'll still hate you. And worse, she'll have ZERO respect for you, because she'll see you as a pushover.
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Then she asked me if I was picking kids up tonight, which is supposed to be "her weekend" with the kids. I told her no, because I'm planning on doing some GAL activity (still don't know what). She asked me why? So now is upset, I don't know if she's upset because she had a plan to do something or because she hates the idea of seeing me do something else (or a bit of both)?
First, great job telling her "no". You need to learn to make a habit of that! Second, who cares why she's upset. She's just looking for reasons right now.
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She then went on a texting tirade about this, and how I never helped her or cared about her. She's completely rewritten our 20 year M and 29 year relationship. I tried to validate a bit and keep responses short, but she just kept going on a barrage.
Here's what I suggest- when she does this then go onto your phone and temporarily turn off notifications for her texts so that your phone doesn't buzz or ding when she texts. The texts will still show up when you go in and look at them but you won't get constant notifications. Then later, in an hour or whatever, read the texts and offer ONE validating statement such as "you sound angry, I am sorry you feel angry over this" and then let it go.
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Then telling me to tell my L to stop delaying things, that delaying the D is hurting our kids. I had to fight every urge to respond to that.
Good, often silence is the most effective response.
Oh I forgot, we swap cars (they're both in my name for now) ... and idea she hated ... but I told her when it's my weekend with the kids to leave me the van. Other times, to leave me my Honda Civic (which I'm still paying, a crazy loan amount because of her screwing up my credit, but I digress). Well, she's grown fond of the Civic (probably because it uses less gas).
This morning she wanted the Civic back.
W: "Can I get the car keys to the Civic?" H: "No" W: "Why?" H: "You've got the kids this weekend, I don't need the van"
She then gave the keys to the van to one of my kids to hand it to me, I said no thanks. As I was driving away with D15 & D13 she stood in the front door screaming "You want to play this game boy?!?!? Slams door" - wow
It's times like this when I start wondering why I want to save my M.
Tonight I'm going to focus on GAL. One simple 180 I'm doing is taking care of my health. My wife, when she cared about me, used to always remind me about going to the doctor and even schedule appointments for me. Then it stopped. I'm trying to catch up, and it feels good to do it all on my own.
No arguments or yelling from W after last incident. Last night I went out, so we didn't have any interactions besides me calling her so she could open the door to the pizza guy (D15 was hungry and I ordered one remotely). My W was exhausted, and slept in early (she's like that a lot lately).
Today we had minimal interactions, talked a bit about D15's birthday tomorrow, options. Very cordial, but you can see how guarded she is when talking to me. D18 wanted me to go to her school to cut my hair so I left for that, my W was laying down and looked like she was crying a bit or about to cry. Again, she looks super stressed and holding things in. Don't know exactly, and I'm not going to ask because she won't tell me and I want to avoid conflicts.
I'm going to leave tonight to GAL again. Kids find it odd for me to leave, I told one of them 'hey this weekend is for you to hang out w mom more', she told me the whole thing was "stupid" ... like I think, but she said it not me.
My W's weekends with the kids are still kind of strange because I'm here on Sunday anyways (I take kids to Church) so it's not the same when they're with me, where she goes away and completely disappears.
Was going to get kids Disney tickets, D15 originally wanted to spend her B-day at Disney, but I'm still thinking about it. If we go, I'd have to buy my W a ticket (not necessarely an annual pass). If I tell my W she'll refuse, if I don't tell her who knows what she might do. But I can't go with the kids on her b-day and just leave their mom. We might just go out to eat and she wants to join us ... but thinking about it.
I really want to decorate with the kids, so I'm thinking of not kicking her out but at least rearranging that area to accommodate for the Christmas tree. Perfect time to do so is when she leaves on one of her weekend outings she does. Should I tell her that's my plan, or just do it?
It's going to irk her either way I think ...
Personally, I would just do it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Somehow I'd you you'd say that R2C ... going to give it a shot. Kids will be a bit nervous too, so we're not going to do anything radical, but we have to return to normal somehow ... and her 'apartment' isn't normal.
Next few things; we did D16's birthday yesterday. Went to downtown disney (disney sprints). W was all over the place. I asked her what she wanted to do, she said she had no plans because she has no money. Said to figure it out and she'll join us (this was 'her' weekend w kids btw).
I asked D16, she wanted to go to Disney Springs, other kids too. W told me she didn't want to go. She told some of the kids the same. So I told D16, look mom doesn't want to go, do you want to change plans? W then backed off and said she was going. She told me why I told the kids she didn't want to go (because she said so?).
The day before she sent me an angry text of why I was planning stuff with kids on her weekend ... again she told me to arrange for the b-day, and all the ideas were from the kids. When D16 told me what she wanted to do I texted her, please review with your mother. It just seems to me she's looking for reasons to complain and argue.
So we had a good time at Disney Springs, no arguments, so it was great. W took some nice pictures of me with girls which she sent me, so that was very nice.
One side thing, I regret not having bought the Disney tickets. But maybe it's bettter to get them for thanksgiving break. I told D16 I was planning on doing that, but D18 wanted her mom to go too. D16 said "Mom told me she's DONE with theme parks, that she rather take us to trips like her trip to NY". Was a bit surprising to me, but oh well. The kids love going to Disney so I think I'm going to continue that. There's so many changes, it's good to do some things they're used to. Even if it doesn't include mom, unfortunately.
W- What is all of this? I go away and you just completely change everything??? Y- It sounds like you are angry, is that how you feel? W- YES I'M ANGRY BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Y- Yes you do sound angry, I am sorry you're feeling angry. W- HOW DARE YOU BLAH BLAH Y- I will not be spoken to in a disrespectful manner, especially when the kids are near. Please stop or this conversation is over. W- YELL YELL YELL SOME MORE Y- [leaves room]
Is the purpose of not telling her about putting the Christmas tree around that area to establish respect? She has lost all respect for me, so if that helps, I'm all for it.
In other news ... my W had asked me about holiday arrangements, suggesting her own. I consulted with my L, she said to only discuss thanksgiving with her and the rest during mediation. I also told my W to give me a few days to think about Thanksgiving.
Well, her L sent a longish email to mine, sending the schedule my W had sent and asking that I discuss and agree with her about it. Well, haven't really had time, specially when she went to NYC and is angry all the time. So her L sent mine an ultimatum that I need to discuss that with my W by tomorrow or she'll advise my W I'm not interested in holidays with my kids and she can do whatever plans she wanted to.
My L shut her down pretty harshly .... my W's L sounds pretty incompetent.
Now my W this morning text me I can keep kids for Thanksgiving (originally she wanted them). I'm fine either way, to m it's more important to spend Christmas eve with them. So plan might be to a friends house that we go every year, my W is invited, but she says she's not going to go (she doesn't want to do much or anything with our old friends).
The other thing, this morning it looks like my W read the response to her filing for D from my L and she's pissed. I haven't even read it myself but my L outlined that she was pretty irresponsible with our finances and dissipated our assets, so I imagine it said there that we're not going to split everything 50/50 (as a background, my W CASHED OUT my kids pre-paid college fund ... !!! 3 of them).
This will probably hurt my chances for reconciliation, but I'll be honest, I'm tired of her screwing up our finances and the future of our kids. I would still love for us to be married and work our issues, but on this matter I'm not going to be taken advantage of any further.
Is the purpose of not telling her about putting the Christmas tree around that area to establish respect? She has lost all respect for me, so if that helps, I'm all for it.
I saw your comment in another thread that she has moved into the living room with a chest of her clothes that you would have to remove to set the tree up, so based on that I'm going to go back on what I said before and say don't do it, it's going to cause too much extra friction in an already volatile relationship. Set the tree up somewhere else and leave her be. If there's no place else for the tree then get a small one and put it in the kids' room. Next year you can set it up wherever you want, but try to avoid rocking the boat for now.
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I consulted with my L, she said to only discuss thanksgiving with her and the rest during mediation. I also told my W to give me a few days to think about Thanksgiving.
Again in the spirit of not rocking the boat, be responsive on this kind of stuff. Thanksgiving is barely a week away, telling her you need days to think about it seems like dragging your feet. I know this stuff is hard but face it down and try to keep the peace as much as possible.
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So her L sent mine an ultimatum that I need to discuss that with my W by tomorrow or she'll advise my W I'm not interested in holidays with my kids and she can do whatever plans she wanted to.
It's not an unreasonable request, and never should have gone to the lawyers.
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The other thing, this morning it looks like my W read the response to her filing for D from my L and she's pissed. I haven't even read it myself but my L outlined that she was pretty irresponsible with our finances and dissipated our assets, so I imagine it said there that we're not going to split everything 50/50 (as a background, my W CASHED OUT my kids pre-paid college fund ... !!! 3 of them).
Well, that was VERY irresponsible of her. Don't back down on this, fair is fair no matter how much she hates it.
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This will probably hurt my chances for reconciliation, but I'll be honest, I'm tired of her screwing up our finances and the future of our kids.
It will have no impact on future reconciling possibilities. I've seen couples reconcile after far worse.
I think I found another option for the tree, still in the living room but without moving her drawers with clothes. There's an area on the corner I could use. We'll have to move a table and another sofa a bit ... but I do want to start setting up for Christmas. The other area is in front of a portrait we have of her with her wedding gown, don't think she'll mind if we put the tree in front of it :-)
On the way back from Disney Springs, W and D18 started arguing. D18 was just telling W what road to take, something trivial, and they starting fighting over that. D18 said some mean things; 'You're angry at the world. You're angry at everybody, etc.' and W was arguing but not screaming (she was tired). I started talking to D18 and telling her to please be respectful with her mom, that if she didn't like how she said something that she made her point, to not keep piling on. Told her to be grateful mom is driving her where she needs to go in the first place.
Then yesterday, in the middle of another discussion ... W is complaining to me that D18 was telling her some very mean things "you're going to end up lonely and die alone", while I was busy on my phone. I have no recollection of that, I remember them talking but since my W doesn't want me to meddle in her things I was minding my business until I couldn't.
So damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's just amazing how the reality disruption works! It makes me question my own memory!!!
