Just got home and brother called and can watch the kids. W is still on the phone and in sweatpants. She mentioned the other night that she wanted to go to happy hour together sometime and I’m going to ask her to go tonight. She always hated when I never arranged anything so this is one of my (eventual) 180’s and tonight will be the test run. I know it goes against the rules to pursue but I’m actually taking advantage of the fact that she asked me this morning if we could talk tonight. I’ve been pretty distant the past couple days and she’s picked up on it big time. I am more convinced than ever that she’s having an A of some sort so I’ve been detaching hardcore while I process. I’ve decided I can’t confront her about it so I have to give her the benefit of the doubt right now and approach her as such. Taking her out tonight will give us a neutral kid free place to talk, let me test my 180, and see how things play out.
JR45, good luck tonight! I see logic in assuming the best until the worst is proven. I will hope for the best case--you have a low-key night enjoying drinks and food together as a couple.
Remember the basics--don't push R talks. If she vents listen and validate. If unfortunate facts come up, give yourself a couple days to process them before you take any drastic actions.
Thank you CW. I have not, and will not initiate R talks. My main concern is that she hasn’t done anything to “work on herself” as she put it. She was the one that wanted to see IC’s but has shown minimal effort. I was going to Give her a brief update on my IC to hopefully open the topic without pushing.
Absolutely nothing drastic will happen tonight.
I’m Don Draper tonight. (I even tucked my shirt in haha!)
Tonight started terribly but ultimately went better than I could have expected. W was on the phone until about 7:30 so I went upstairs and got dressed to go out. I felt bad because my brother was sitting on standby on a Friday night waiting to see if I needed him to come watch the kids. I started building resentment and told him to come over and if she wasn’t off the phone by the time he got here, the two of us were heading out. I walked inside with a pizza order ready for my kids and stood across the kitchen from her and texted her “do you want me to order you anything?” and included a screenshot of my order. She got off the phone and I told her to go upstairs and get dressed because we were going out. She asked where and I answered. She hesitated because D9 is a picky eater. I told her my B was coming to watch the kids and pizza is about to be ordered. “Go upstairs and change”. She replied with”going out sounds good but so does sitting on the couch. What do I want to do?” I simply replied “Go get dressed. We’re going out.” and she did. She grabbed her keys on the way out (I think this is her new power move because I can’t ride in the passenger seat and she knows it). I Saw all this play out and knew where it was going. I planned for it in advance and already had my keys in hand and unlocked the truck before she could make her way to her car. W: “Oh, you’re driving?” Me: “Yep”. She changed venues in the way out of the neighborhood and decided on one of our tried and trues. I told her great choice and I only picked a new place to get out and try something new. She appreciated it but wanted some comfort food. We sat at the bar and ordered dinner and drinks and then got into it. She asked what been up with me the past few days. She noticed some real changes but got confused when I started ghosting a couple days ago. Precursor: she mentioned before we left that she had scheduled an IC appt but first session isn’t until December. I brought up my discouragement with my IC and the yoga BS and she told me to stop. I said I want to give it one more try and she agreed. I then moved on to my doc’s appt and the fact that nothing really came of it and I was frustrated. I told her it’s been a rough week and I didn’t want to burden her with it. She fully understood. From there, convo went 180. It became full on vent mode and release of resentment. Ultimately it boiled down to her bar being set so high with the kids that any failure is exploited. On the flip, my bar is set so low that anytime I go over it, I’m put on a pedestal with my kids. Not only did I validate, but I did so absolutely naturally because I fully empathized with her. She was 100% spot on with everything she said. I flooded her with validation. However, I told her that I’ve already been down this road, realized my mistakes, wallowed in the guilt, and let go of it. I told her I won’t be beaten down by it again because I can’t change the past. I also told her I won’t stop doing what I’m doing because it’s making me happy and I understand her resentment towards it but that’s something she’s going to have to work on individually and she fully acknowledged and understood everything I said. She said I shouldn’t change what I’m doing and she’s been encouraging me to do it for a long time. I validated.
I’ve never truly understood or appreciated the concept of validation until tonight. It’s like a magic spell that can briefly put you on the same wavelength; and even initiate a level of emotional intimacy, with someone who so recently hated you. It’s amazing.
Just reflecting: When we got home, the kids were all over me. They were both the little monkeys hanging on me that I used to love when they were 5-6. I just soaked it up and played with them and had fun. Looking back now, I think I ruined W’s night because all my validation amounted to nothing. She went to bed right after and I’m pretty sure that’s why. I told her I wasn’t going to stop what I’m doing, but to disregard her feelings so soon after the discussion...Did I just ruin a potential perfect situation?
I read your posts twice and I have to be honest. I have know idea what you talking about. Sounds like you had expectations and were disappointed. Sounds like you may have done too much talking about your changes. What is it that your doing you’re not going to stop?
I was frustrated at first because one of the big issues I’ve had with her is that her work has been a priority over me for a while now, but it’s gotten to the point where she’s putting it before the kids now too. I didn’t have expectations but she was on her phone and didn’t even acknowledge my presence until an hour and a half after I got home.
She’s been resentful of me because the kids praise every little thing I do for them but she gets nothing for all she does. The only feedback she gets is if she fails to do something; she feels crucified. Example: she has to travel for work and will miss D9’s Xmas program. D9 was devastated and W felt guilty. I told her I’m not going to stop going out of my way to spend more quality time with the kids, even if it makes her resentful of me. I understand where she’s coming from and she’s right. The bar my kids have set for me is very low compared to hers, but it’s my job to raise that bar to get closer to her level. The kids should be just as upset with me if I miss an event as they would be with her. That’s really the only “change “ that I talked about and only because she kept digging at it.
She did mention that S7 asked her the other night if she’s noticed that I’m a happier person lately. She said yes. Then he said that I’m a lot more fun to be around. This was another trigger of resentment with her. So clearly my kids are picking up on my changes as is she. They love it and I’m not going to stop what I’m doing (180’s) even if it makes her more resentful of me.
Glad you went out for dinner with your wife and had a good evening. Applause!
Originally Posted by JR45
I’ve never truly understood or appreciated the concept of validation until tonight. It’s like a magic spell that can briefly put you on the same wavelength; and even initiate a level of emotional intimacy, with someone who so recently hated you. It’s amazing.
Rock on.
Originally Posted by JR45
She’s been resentful of me because the kids praise every little thing I do for them but she gets nothing for all she does. I told her I’m not going to stop going out of my way to spend more quality time with the kids, even if it makes her resentful of me., I understand where she’s coming from and she’s right. The bar my kids have set for me is very low compared to hers, but it’s my job to raise that bar to get closer to her level. The kids should be just as upset with me if I miss an event as they would be with her.
but to disregard her feelings so soon after the discussion...Did I just ruin a potential perfect situation? That’s really the only “change “ that I talked about and only because she kept digging at it.
Validating her feelings doesn't require agreeing or changing anything. If she point blank asked you to spend less time with the kids, it's perfectly okay to say "No, I like spending time with my kids." You may have veered off course a little taking ownership of how upset the kids are at her vs. you.
It was a good weekend away. I went to W’s cousin’s (C) house for a party while W and kids went to a wedding. C’s husband (CH) is one of my best friends and the one person I feel completely comfortable opening up to and seek/value his feedback. I’ve confided in him about my suspicions of an A and he had a hard time believing it. I know my wife confides in C more than anyone. He told me he’s pretty sure C would tell him if my W told her about an A. He said if there is an A, my W has not told his W. When I presented the three red flags, he agreed that they could absolutely be warning signs but offered a couple alternate viewpoints. He said he can confirm my W and C text each other ALL THE TIME and they send each other “I love you’s” and hearts all the time. He has seen them too. He said they were definitely texting at the time I mentioned (during a football game) and I probably walked in while they were discussing me so she switched the screen. W has brought up her night out with a her friend a couple times in regular conversation. She mentioned a bar they went to at dinner the other night. Yesterday we were discussing how rough it was to get up and drive home in the morning (2 hours for each of us). She mentioned waking up really early last weekend on her friends couch and sneaking out before anyone woke up and having a rough drive home that morning too. Is she over sharing to throw me off or just had a really good time with her friend and sharing it? So hard to tell. The last thing CH told me is that my W definitely sees and likes the changes I’ve been making but she thinks it’s just to get the physical R back. He told me to keep doing what I’m doing though because it’s working.
