Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 5

[DaB35]

I am finding myself looking at everybody's hands when I walk around in public, or even watch people on TV - checking if they're wearing a ring or not and which hand it's on. Is that weird?!

[Augusto]

I do exactly the same. It [censored].

[crdcheck]

I am finding myself looking at everybody's hands when I walk around in public, or even watch people on TV - checking if they're wearing a ring or not and which hand it's on. Is that weird?!

I picked it up as a habit. Not necessarily a good one, mind you, but like to know my surroundings. Part of people-watching, I suppose

[ozman]

That’s crazy. I’ve been doing that for several months now. But for some reason it seems unhealthy.

[DaB35]

Yes I think I should stop doing that. Strangely comforting to know that others do it too!

Woke up a little sad and frustrated this morning. Thought about how much I really want everything to work; how I am sad that W simply gave up and that she didn't want to even try MC or piecing for a few months; how frustrated I am that she's stubbornly going through with D because everyone in her circle has said it's what she should do. She has taken the "easy option" (her words).

My view is that if there are problems in a marriage we shouldn't run away unless there are obvious risks of actual physical danger (e.g. abuse), or where things have been going on for so long without change. I am sad that she didn't think to say, "OK, I'm really upset and hurt that you've done what you did, but you must be unhappy with something in your life for this to take place. What can we do about it?"

I still find it hard to understand how she could switch off all feelings for me and mention D within literally 24 hours. She has acted completely emotively and not had any period alone for reflection. She hysterically broadcast everything to lots of people all at once, and now I feel she can't go back and change her mind. I feel upset at that, but I guess what's happened is I've had time to work on myself without her knowledge. I've really changed - apologies for that excruciatingly cliched phrase there - and shaken a lot of emotional baggage off my mind.

I remember feeling upset when I updated her on my 2nd IC session and I mentioned that communication was an issue and she just said, "Hmmph...it's so American! All about feelings. What a load of rubbish!" I thought, 'thanks for your support.' Actually, being in the throes of NGS I didn't respond to that remark of hers; I was just hurt. But then I didn't know about DBing or boundaries etc at the time.

I want to tell her that everything 'good' I did in the marriage - all the hugs, kisses, emotional and financial support, cards, presents (for her 30th birthday I hired a Tesla Model S for the weekend - I remember the look on her face when it pulled up outside our house), my proposal to her, little surprises I arranged for our wedding, everything - was genuine. It was not out of guilt because of my affliction going on in the background for years. I honestly wanted to make her happy and be a good H. I know I can't tell her this as that is pursuing of the worst kind. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I can say all of that to her face.

I think my main love language is quality time - simply being near the person and feeling safe together - whereas hers was words of affirmation and also physical touch. How sad that I've only found this out now and can't bring this up.

I know my posts a week or so ago were very positive and upbeat. Just on a low ebb recently.

[DaB35]

Just watched the comedy show that I went to see get recorded in June - it was broadcast this week. I appeared on screen during some shots of the audience - that's my 3 seconds of fame ticked off!

Feel a little better nowm but still mindful of what I wrote this morning above ^^^^

[DS9]

Hey Dan

Sorry you're still feeling down buddy. I hear what you're saying about your views and thoughts above. I too still have that rollercoaster, ebb and flow emotional journey.

Like you pointed out, you can't bring these things up with your W or tell her. She doesnt care right now. As the vets here repeat, it's about actions, not words. Keep DB'ing, keep posting and keep GALing.

How's gymwork going? Have you upped the weights yet? I'd get one of those body scan scales so you can track your progress with weight, BMI, percentages etc. Did you end up going to that NGS meet up?

Cheers DS

[DaB35]

Hi DS

Yes I absolutely know I cannot tell W anything like that. I know that means I'm not detached yet. Work in progress!

The gym I go to runs a 6-week 'review' for users. I'm now at 11.8% body fat, my water content is 60% (very high, which is good), BMI is currently 21, bone density is 3 which is good apparently, and finally visceral fat - i.e. excess fat round organs etc. - is 4, on a sliding scale where anything from 1-12 is considered 'healthy' or 'no problem'. Essentially the gym person said to me, "you're doing fine, just keep going and gradually up the weights."
Have upped the weights slowly - 25 to 30kg, 35 to 40kg etc. Don't want to injure myself unnecessarily!

I can't seem to find a date for the NGS meet up that coincides with my schedule - I'm obviously GALing too much lol!
I would like to go as one of the NGS remedies is to 'hang out' with other men, so I know it will be useful. Perhaps another time, but it's certainly on my list.

I know she doesn't care right now - well at least she is projecting that. No idea what is going on in her head though, which she may not be revealing to anyone else.

Just waiting for a response from L regarding a few queries I have about the finance court order at present. W hasn't chased me for this since last week so I guess it's not an issue. I'm not pushing the L for an answer.

[crdcheck]

Woke up a little sad and frustrated this morning. Thought about how much I really want everything to work; how I am sad that W simply gave up and that she didn't want to even try MC or piecing for a few months; how frustrated I am that she's stubbornly going through with D because everyone in her circle has said it's what she should do. She has taken the "easy option" (her words).

Yep, I'm with you on this. You can be feeling great and then hit a slump. I try to remember that when I felt good, I didn't imagine feeling bad, so when I feel bad, even though it's tough to imagine feeling good, it will come.

My view is that if there are problems in a marriage we shouldn't run away unless there are obvious risks of actual physical danger (e.g. abuse), or where things have been going on for so long without change.

The first part of that is certainly true - the data says that, unless there is physical or drug abuse, everyone is better off making it work ("Should I Try to Work It Out?: A Guidebook for Individuals and Couples at the Crossroads of Divorce"). Don't bother trying to get your W to read it - she'll do what mine said "it's all biased, cherry-picked". Uh huh.

I still find it hard to understand how she could switch off all feelings for me and mention D within literally 24 hours. She has acted completely emotively and not had any period alone for reflection. She hysterically broadcast everything to lots of people all at once, and now I feel she can't go back and change her mind. I feel upset at that, but I guess what's happened is I've had time to work on myself without her knowledge. I've really changed - apologies for that excruciatingly cliched phrase there - and shaken a lot of emotional baggage off my mind.

Our Ws were checked out before the dropped by bomb. Maybe for other good reasons they didn't share, maybe for "bad" reasons (e.g. OM). Regardless, no one rational throws an M away over a first offense (your case, not mine) and when the other person is willing to work on the issue.

I remember feeling upset when I updated her on my 2nd IC session and I mentioned that communication was an issue and she just said, "Hmmph...it's so American! All about feelings. What a load of rubbish!" I thought, 'thanks for your support.' Actually, being in the throes of NGS I didn't respond to that remark of hers; I was just hurt. But then I didn't know about DBing or boundaries etc at the time.

You may think of more examples like this. Even pre-cheating I remember telling my W things and she blew them off. Like, "Hey, I read this book about NGS and it sounds kind of like me." "You, nice? You are a jerk, and now obviously confused".

I want to tell her that everything 'good' I did in the marriage - all the hugs, kisses, emotional and financial support, cards, presents (for her 30th birthday I hired a Tesla Model S for the weekend - I remember the look on her face when it pulled up outside our house), my proposal to her, little surprises I arranged for our wedding, everything - was genuine. It was not out of guilt because of my affliction going on in the background for years. I honestly wanted to make her happy and be a good H. I know I can't tell her this as that is pursuing of the worst kind. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I can say all of that to her face.

You and me both. Maybe NGS? I don't think that it was too much pursuing, we just also need to make sure our needs are voiced early.

[DaB35]

Thanks CRD, good points.

Yep, I'm with you on this. You can be feeling great and then hit a slump. I try to remember that when I felt good, I didn't imagine feeling bad, so when I feel bad, even though it's tough to imagine feeling good, it will come.

I agree. I don't end up wallowing for hours and hours; it's more a 15 minute feeling of 'oh yeah this is happening isn't it', and I feel sad about that. I must say that neutral and/or positive emotions are outweighing the negative even now, when D is still in progress.

Our Ws were checked out before the dropped by bomb. Maybe for other good reasons they didn't share, maybe for "bad" reasons (e.g. OM). Regardless, no one rational throws an M away over a first offense (your case, not mine) and when the other person is willing to work on the issue.

Technically it is not a first offence. She caught me twice before, but nothing this serious (first time spotted a TV channel that I forgot to switch, and second she found a web page open on my phone, nothing saved). The issue with her was the concealment of it all. Yes I am absolutely willing to work on the issue and I have done - I've basically overcome it already, and now just on a path of improving my self-esteem (gym, GAL, etc.).

You and me both. Maybe NGS? I don't think that it was too much pursuing, we just also need to make sure our needs are voiced early.

Yes, my downside was that I never strove to get my needs met. I would put up with not having them met. Not just in my M but in all previous relationships. I'd always back down or go with the woman's choice for an easy ride even though I was hesitant or not convinced with things sometimes.

I do wish W would reconsider. I wonder if D has to happen and then she gets to hear about my actions and changes and how I've improved myself. Maybe then she'll wonder what would have happened had she stuck it out and not gone crazy and told everyone.