If she wants to sign another lease with me. I will demand work on the M and mc. Or I will not do it
Why do you think demanding things is the best way to behave? That is not leading, that is controlling behavior. Do you think she will find that attractive?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Demand she works on the marriage? Yeahhhhh, forcing her into something she doesn’t want will not make for a healthy marriage. Also, you can demand until you are blue in the face, but that doesn’t mean she will do it.
Oz, you need to live like you are separated. That means stop being her therapist, stop being her punching bag, a lot specific time where you have to yourself and time she has to herself and you keep that time to your self. You don’t invite, you don’t tell her where you are going, it’s simply your time. You need to set some pretty firm boundaries. I think you are confused about how to enforce boundaries. Demanding doesn’t do that. If she speaks to you with disrespect, you say “I’m not going to be disrespected like this” and remove yourself from the situation.
That’s how you “behave” you behave like you are separated, like she isn’t your wife. You live your life as if you were in two different homes. That doesn’t mean be cold. But it also means quit acting like a husband. Split your time, have your own hobbies, quit being her therapist and punching bag, and stop inviting her places. Otherwise she gets the best of both worlds, being “free” as you like to call it, and having a back up plan H.
Show yourself some respect and don’t be a back up plan.
Why be friends? Would a friend treat you the way she has treated you? Is that what friends do? Any friend of mine who has disrespected me that much would no longer be my fried. Civil coparents? Yes. Friends? Certainly not now. Friends don’t treat people the way she does.
I hope you really took in all I wrote to you. You are still very much in limbo only now she is getting the best of both worlds. Lucky her.
My ex and I have been civil coparents for many years. In the past few we have become friendly, but not “friends” he does me favors, I do him favors, we all dine together at times ( including his other woman who has been his wife going into 8 years now) they invited me to thanksgiving my ex has actually wanted to attend concerts with me.... but I have boundaries too. I’ll never forget what he did, although I have forgiven. We are friendly but will never be friends. Our daughter is happy, we work together for her. That’s all that matters.
Last edited by job; 11/13/1907:01 PM. Reason: edited a word for Ginger
Do you want to be her friend? We find that most LBS do not want to settle for friendship.
As far as WHAT you should be doing. When in doubt doing NOTHING is doing something.
When it comes to acting, be decisive. Once you make up your mind to act, then act. The worst thing you can do is to act timidly, and assuredly. WASs will detect your weaknesses. And they certainly will sniff out any attempt at manipulation.
This is why when people say "Should I file for divorce?" our answer is "Do you want to get divorced?" Because most LBSs ask that in a way to shake their WAS out of their fog. To give them a dose of reality. This almost always backfires.
In my sitch, early on it, I embraced letting her go and getting a D as a way to try to shake her up. This had no effect on her. Afrer all, she was insistent that she want to get job, get her own place, and get a D. So me "embracing" that half-heartedly (and she could tell) was part of what she expected. Kind of like dealing with a teenager. "Go to your room!" "Fine, I wanted to go to my room!" This the part where words are meaningless. No matter how much I said I was embracing it, she thought "yeah yeah, telling me what I want to hear."
(Note: we often tell newcomers to "let them go to get them back". This is less about getting them back because of the above dynamic. and more about getting the LBS in the right mindset. Eventually the emphasis changes from "getting them back" to "letting them go". I think you've seen this in your own sitch.)
When I contacted a lawyer, well the ballgame changed! Suddenly my actions were backing up what I was saying. I'll never forget the look on her face when she found out I had contacted a lawyer. Her face dropped and she looked at me in disbelief that I had actually taken a step towards getting a D. For the first time she saw me taking a step towards making her dream a reality. And that made her question if she really wanted it or not.
Notice: Words made her feel support towards her dream. Actions made her feel like "Uh oh, my dream is becoming a reality!"
The train was leaving the station but she wasn't sure she really wanted to be on the train.
WASs fall into two camps. Those that really want what they say they want. And those that think they want what they want but aren't sure once they start getting it.
I believe the majority of WASs fall into that later camp. This is why DBing works in those cases, because it feels like on BD they let the genie out of the bottle......and as the LBS DBs suddenly the WAS is trying to get the genie back into the bottle. This is also why most of the time once a D is well on its way, the WAS will start showing signs of regret and even talk about trying again. And that even goes for many of the ones in the first camp!
So do nothing until you are sure what YOU want. And then go get it. The worst thing a human can do is sit back and wait for another human to take action. Which is why I was trying to get you to see that your sitch before and after the discussion is the same. You are still sitting back waiting for her to decide.
(bro hugs)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
O - When my Xw first moved out she told me there was no one else, she had no interest in dating, blah, blah, blah. Well she started dating and interacting with guys almost immediately after she moved out. I sat back and waited for her to decide and 8 months later she finally filed.
The one regret that I have is that I did not immediately file for D when she first moved out. Instead we divided up the bills, I helped her move, and essentially I paved the way financially for it. At the time I felt like I was in a catch 22. She wanted to move out but couldn't afford to do so on her own so did I want her to stay in the house if she didn't want to be there? At the time I wasn't strong enough and then 8 months later, after she had been dating and found someone she decided to proceed and file. However she didn't tell me she was dating someone and things had progressed to a level that she was comfortable with. She then asked me if I would help her move out of her apartment and into her current condo which I agreed to do. Then about a month later she told me she was dating someone.
My only saving grace was that I did not chase her, contact her, tried to be friends with her, etc. When she moved out I did leave her alone.
I learned that you just can't stick your head in the sand. I don't believe my XW would have changed her mind if I had filed vs waiting on her but at minimum it would have made her pretty uncomfortable.
Trying to be friends with someone who treats you with no respect is not what’s right for your boy. I’m sure you don’t want him seeing his father being disrespected by his friends which would imply that would be best for him too.
Start small. Civil coparenting. Make that your immediate goal. Friendship is something that comes over time. My ex happens to treat me with so much more respect now that we aren’t married. He treated me like poop when we were married. And I’m so happy my daughter doesn’t see me tolerating disrespect
Trying to be friends with someone who treats you with no respect is not what’s right for your boy. I’m sure you don’t want him seeing his father being disrespected by his friends which would imply that would be best for him too.
Start small. Civil coparenting. Make that your immediate goal. Friendship is something that comes over time. My ex happens to treat me with so much more respect now that we aren’t married. He treated me like poop when we were married. And I’m so happy my daughter doesn’t see me tolerating disrespect
