So I guess my assumption that things seemed calmer were rather foolish.
Wife returned this evening to see sick daughter6 and bathed her,
While in the bathroom I caved in and scooped on her phone, only opened 1 stream of messages with new best friend, Wife apologising for being in tears in front of everyone last night,
A stream of earlier messages really bad mouthing me, saying how I always change approach, how controlling I was, How they couldn't believe they hard to deal with these #####'s Stating she didn't buy any of my b.s. about returning the key, how it was all about control.
Notifying friend that domestic abuse support group was now in place along with legal advice. How little I'd been doing at work this week
After the bath she raised work and her concern about number of orders we had, I validated " you feel anxious that we are falling behind?" She said yes, we need to get on it.
I made some suggestions for how we could resolve it this week.
She said she had felt like she had been working for me this week I replied I'm sorry you feel that way, I didn't know you felt that way.
This seemed to anger her, so I left the room.
A little later she raised Christmas and how she was not going to play happy families and pretend nothing was wrong, that this was in no way a happy family that there was no way she was going to cook for me or have lunch at mine, She then suggested having Xmas lunch out somewhere neutral.
I said that could be a good idea, that I had written some ideas and proposals down and would send to her ( haven't been able to today as on sick duty all day)
She said she would look at it but wanted to wait until she had been to her domestic violence support group. She then said I don't believe anything you say anyway, you always change tact and say the right things as soon as things get difficult and it's all an act.
I started to validate, got as far as "You feel that ..." and she stormed off past me back to see daughter.
Didn't raise it again , confirmed details for kids tmrw , I thanked her for coming over and she left.
All really awkward.
Have to communicate tomorrow about work and daughter, Do I just continue validating when I get the chance, it's coming off as fake right now I think, She's got all her walls and emotional abuser radar in full effect at the moment.
11.50pm Her: is she sleeping now? Me : in and out of sleep, keeps waking to be sick, but getting longer stretches of sleep.
I'd be cautious about setting a pattern that you respond to your ex at all hours of the night.
Originally Posted by JDevast
5.01 Her: I've just woken up worried What time can I come over. I was awake at 5 but waited til 7 to reply. Me: whenever you want is ok, both are awake now.
Good job waiting until 7am to reply!
I'd be cautious about setting a pattern where she's in charge and/or the one to provide comfort when the kids are sick. I recall when son was sick, you said she texted: "Son is sick; no open evening." In contrast you're sending updates every 2hrs, and letting her come to your house and share custody time. Are you unsure how to treat or comfort your D? The video call was different because that request was initiated by your D. I lost additional respect for my ex-wife back when she'd call me to help anytime the kids were sick.
Good points regarding caregiving. I need to back off as well, catching myself frequently wanting to ask questions to ascertain how she feels, Emotionally pretty ragged and weak right know.
Don't know why any of this matters, maybe it's just the reality of the situation, I'm obviously still deeply attached, feel jealous and suspicious about things like "give me 5 mins" or the gaps in response.
I know if she was with someone it's completely out of my control.
Are those feelings natural or evidence I am controlling
It's normal. With time you will care less and less until you get to where you don't care at all. You won't care where she is or who she's with, it won't even be on your radar. My XW could Facetime me from bed with 3 naked guys in the background and it would have zero impact on me other than making me chuckle a little, I am not exaggerating in the least, I am that detached from her now. I know that's hard for you to imagine right now but you'll get there too.
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So I guess my assumption that things seemed calmer were rather foolish.
We don't call it the roller coaster for nothing. There will be ups and downs!
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While in the bathroom I caved in and scooped on her phone, only opened 1 stream of messages with new best friend, Wife apologising for being in tears in front of everyone last night,
A stream of earlier messages really bad mouthing me, saying how I always change approach, how controlling I was, How they couldn't believe they hard to deal with these #####'s Stating she didn't buy any of my b.s. about returning the key, how it was all about control.
Notifying friend that domestic abuse support group was now in place along with legal advice. How little I'd been doing at work this week
Doesn't matter. Those are her feelings at this moment in time, and conversations with her enablers will look like that. Her feelings can and will change in a week, month or year. Until then expect more of this. Just quit snooping, it's only messing with your PMA.
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She said she had felt like she had been working for me this week I replied I'm sorry you feel that way, I didn't know you felt that way.
This seemed to anger her, so I left the room.
You don't have to validate every little thing she says. Sometimes just nod or say "mm hmm". Validation loses it's impact if overused.
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She then said I don't believe anything you say anyway, you always change tact and say the right things as soon as things get difficult and it's all an act.
This is an accurate view of how she sees your changes. She thinks it's all an act, just tricks to try and get her back after which you will revert back to the old you. 25 doesn't post here anymore but she used to tell people 180's + time = change she can believe in. Time is CRITICAL. You've got to show consistent change over a long period of time before she believes you've really changed.
So I sent over email with proposals for co-parenting plan,
Recieved an immediate mail back:
Her: this is for co-parenting, I want a parallel parenting plan as I want as little contact with you as possible, I will get some advice on this and what you have suggested. You don't seem to take into account that you have been abusive or the impact that has had on me. This makes me think you don't believe you have been.
Me: it was not my intention to minimise any harm on my part. I will look at examples of parallel parenting plans and if you could send over what you were thinking of. Sent a link - is this article relatable to how you see parallel parenting?
So now, I feel really stuck, despite some reasonable communication over the kids, she is ramping up the emotional abuse claims, I fully accept my behaviour in the past has been damaging to the relationship, zero accountability on her part. What do i do, continue to validate, pull back from any contact, I can't even challenge this narrative, And sickened she sees me this way.
My feeling is she will now try and start dictating parenting plan.
Is best course of action to openly state: I feel you are trying to dictate all the terms, ( it's clear every time I don't do exactly what she wants, she calls controlling behaviour)
Or do I just hear what she has to say, agree to think about it and seek negotiation.
Huge temptation to call her out on her controlling behaviour and the narrative of abuse.
Do not challenge the verbal or emotional abuse narrative especially in writing through email communications this can be used potentially in a family court as evidence. She is baiting you to give an admittance of guilt because she is angry with you for whatever reason she's made up in her head. Most likely she's being coach to buy either a paralegal or an attorney four divorce support group for women for counseling that is validating in supporting her narrative. a lot of them feel this way and talk this way and try and entrap you when their love turns cold. Don't even acknowledge it just stick to the parenting plan through email communications only. a lot of them take on the victim mindset and do this a lot it's very common here in a lot of our stitches. weather and there are some legitimacy to her claim or not or gray areas or something in between her feelings being acknowledged by verbal communication and written communication can be used as evidence. Be fair be cooperative be pleasant but do not acknowledge that abuse narrative. Don't let her guilt shame or manipulate you either in giving up any custody any of the marital assets or the marital home. Hopefully and eventually she will cool her jets and die down. Early in my sich it was like this as well as Unichen's and still is. Do not give them any ammunition to work with against you. But be assertive and stand up for yourself if necessary but try not to be too defensive. If it gets to that point set the boundary and end the conversation.
Just journaling Every day seems like an emotional struggle.
D6 started her new school today, agreed to meet wife at school gates so we could both take her in. Honestly it's a struggle just seeing her, hoping for some glimpse of hope, both focussed on daughter but can't help looking at her. She was quick to leave, very guarded again, I confirmed we would both pick her up, and she stated she would pick up following days as we had discussed last week, I said if that's what you would like, ( plans have changed quite often this week) she rolled her eyes.
Agreed to speak later re: work
Day goes on and several phone calls to and fro about work, ( this was a change as everything has been by message for a considerable amount of time) Although all business related things were all pretty amicable. We both made a lot of headway at work today.
Go to pick up d6. I'm waiting at the gates, she walks up looks in my direction, I smile ,she walks right by.
I finish my cigarette and walk in, say hi to her, didn't you see me? Her: no where were you? Me: at the gates, you walked right by me Her: I didn't see you, I would have said hi. ( her eyesight isn't the best, I believed her, it's more the emotional effect on me every perceived slight has)
Picked our d6 up, she had a great 1st day, I suggested wife take her out for a bit, and I'll go back to work till 6 to finish up. She agrees.
So wife drops kids back at mine at 6, again she doesn't want to enter flat and clearly has somewhere to be, she asks if we are exchanging Friday or Saturday? I reply Friday like you suggested is good.
She starts talking about whether I will have enough time to wash all their clothes
I say that's no problem. She switches to, I lost a day this week and need a day to sort their rooms out.
I say that's fine, Saturday morning is fine
She leaves, and within a minute I'm like , hold on I just got played there. She's been invited out Friday night.
So sat here thinking, do I say to her, hi, I've been invited out Friday night, can we do change Fri or will you still need time for their rooms?
Another option, wait until Friday, then call her on her BS. She can "sort" the rooms with the kids there, in fact she should have the kids doing this.
H"W, hey something came up and I need to drop the kids off right now" W:"Bla bla bla I am not home" H:"How long till you are home?" W"Bla bla bla not for a while" H:"When you ask me for a favor and tell me you need time to sort out the kids room and then bla bla...I feel like I am being lied to. If you want me to do favors for in the future, ______
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
