It's a weird revelation to think I can't trust her, I guess in her mind I'm no longer somebody important to her, she has been going on about having a private life since bd, and early on she admitted she felt she had to delete texts and messages in some babble about no longer trusting me.
Part of me just wants to ask her straight up "can I trust you?"
Because at the end of the day all the early spoken agreements about the seperation, splitting of assets etc, which were all amicable have given way to accusations of abuse, asking me to leave etc etc.
If I pursue whether those early agreements stand, I also feel that this will push her into going legal and doubling down on abuse claims, so for now maybe it's not a great idea to raise it?
Further question, sorry folks. I haven't completed DB book yet. Am I in LRT situation right now , is LRT what I should be doing or am at some earlier stage.
All feels very final and doom and gloom right now, but then again I'm pretty impatient about all this
It's a weird revelation to think I can't trust her, I guess in her mind I'm no longer somebody important to her, she has been going on about having a private life since bd, and early on she admitted she felt she had to delete texts and messages in some babble about no longer trusting me.
Part of me just wants to ask her straight up "can I trust you?"
Because at the end of the day all the early spoken agreements about the seperation, splitting of assets etc, which were all amicable have given way to accusations of abuse, asking me to leave etc etc.
I'm the same way with my WW. Just blatant lies to the face. I keep wanting to ask why are you lying and what is your motive, because I find myself spiraling about getting blind sided / stabbed in the back.
Originally Posted by Jdevast
Further question, sorry folks. I haven't completed DB book yet. Am I in LRT situation right now , is LRT what I should be doing or am at some earlier stage.
All feels very final and doom and gloom right now, but then again I'm pretty impatient about all this
Honestly, by the time most people are desperate enough to find this forum, the MR is already in LRT sitch. Same can be said for most people that go see an MC, the MR is already hanging on by the nails.
Asking her if you can trust her is silly, since it implies you trust her answer! Now, asking what she would’ve said if you’d asked yesterday if you could trust her—clever!
So just heard from the kids, wife's sister is offering to pay for them all to go to Argentina, Not a word from the wife to me on this. Not sure how I feel, it's a long long way from the UK.
Was gonna message this morning " kids mentioned going to Argentina soon?"
She's going to ask something like "are you ok with it, or you can trust me"
Should I just go with something like "trust is pretty low for everyone at the moment, let me think about it"
Me: "Kids mentioned going to Argentina soon?" Her: "Are you ok with it, you can trust me?" Me: "Trust is pretty low for everyone at the moment, let me think about it"
Hi JDevast,
I don't see the practical point to this exchange. To let her know the kids are telling you her plans? To work out "You misled me, so I don't trust you anymore" baggage by expressing your feelings?
I guess I'd figure out: (a) Whether you have valid concerns about your ex taking this trip, (b) what control you have over her choice, if any and (c) Propose a parallel parenting plan for less wiggly boundaries.
When I filed for D, it included a restraining order. Neither my ex nor I could cross state lines without the approval of the other parent. The final parenting plan loosened that up to not crossing international borders without approval. In my case I had legitimate concerns. My ex-wife had family in one particular country and one of her fantasy scenarios to escape stressors here was to move there and start life over. The US typically requires both parents to sign off on travel papers. I doubt that applies in your case, though.
Said these were some examples of the type of parenting plan I was thinking off, I'm open to suggestions, let me know what you think?
No response yet, was a few hours ago,
Originally Posted by JDevast
So I sent over email with proposals for co-parenting plan,
Recieved an immediate mail back:
Her: this is for co-parenting, I want a parallel parenting plan
Hi JDevast, it sounds like your wife is more responsive when you send concrete plans than when you try to engage her in a discussion or send her examples of types of plans. Have you sent a new proposal yet that better matches her needs (parallel, as little interaction with you as possible) to lock down your boundaries? Vague boundaries seem to play out well for her but not as well for you.
It's a weird revelation to think I can't trust her, I guess in her mind I'm no longer somebody important to her, she has been going on about having a private life since bd, and early on she admitted she felt she had to delete texts and messages in some babble about no longer trusting me.
Part of me just wants to ask her straight up "can I trust you?"
You're going through an adjustment period and she is too. You will have some kind of relationship on the other side even if it's just a co-parenting one. During the transition you both will have a lack of trust for each other. You will wonder and second-guess each other's actions and motives. After the transition some level of trust will return. It won't be the same as when you were married, but there will be mutual trust and respect again. Until then, be wary of everything she says and does. You can't trust her right now because she has hidden motives.
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Am I in LRT situation right now , is LRT what I should be doing or am at some earlier stage.
A lot of DB is written as if the spouse isn't a full-blown WAS yet, they are maybe one foot out the door. But 99% of the people that end up on these forums are dealing with a full-blown WAS with both feet out the door. So yes, LRT is appropriate for you I think.
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So just heard from the kids, wife's sister is offering to pay for them all to go to Argentina, Not a word from the wife to me on this. Not sure how I feel, it's a long long way from the UK.
You should absolutely be informed. Not sure about the UK but in the US it is written into S and D agreements that each person must inform the other in writing before taking the kids out of state. Beyond the legal side of things, it's just the polite and respectful thing to do. Here's what I would suggest- sit down with your W and tell her the kids told you she's planning a trip with them, ask her (politely) if that's the case. Tell her that as part of your co-parenting plan the two of you need to inform each other before taking the kids on a trip, and discuss the details of the trip first. Try not to be nosy about it, IE asking if there will be any potential OM's on the trip. Keep it focused on the kids. When are they leaving, when will they be back, are there any safety/ security issues, that sort of thing.
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Should I just go with something like "trust is pretty low for everyone at the moment, let me think about it"
No I wouldn't say that. Don't tell her you don't trust her, just keep in mind internally that you can't trust her and act accordingly. Also no "let me think about it" because that is controlling. That implies she needs your permission, which she doesn't. She can do whatever she wants. You just want to be informed before she does, and you're trying to negotiate that with her, and offer her the same courtesy in return.
Ok, thanks guys, Objectivity is not my strong point at the moment, responsive emotions to every miniscule interaction or thought that pops into my head seem to be controlling my mind right now. Impatient for a glimmer that we could ever reconcile, so yes still fully attached like a puppet on a string.
I did check and under uk law anyone with parental responsibility has to give written permission for their child to leave the country. I don't have any valid concerns that she wouldn't return,
Honestly I'm flailing looking for ways to be assertive, hoping to regain some respect ( was never assertive with her and often passive aggressive avoiding conflict)
Learning to be more confident and assertive is one of my goals,
Again I don't think I truly appreciate how long things may take, if ever.
Realise im not really accepting that I can't turn this around and fix it quick.
Going to try and find some focus on some 180s, demonstrating I can be trusted and respected through the shared business and take it baby steps from there.
