Well, I'm down in Florida right now. A trip we've done together for the past 4 years visiting some family. We arrived on Halloween and she asked me to send her some pictures of our son dressed up. She made a few nice comments. I haven't heard from her since...she hasn't asked about her son at all. You'd think she'd like to talk to him but nothing. It's been nearly a week.
I also notice that I miss her terribly. I have this urge to reach out and tell her how I feel. She should be part of this and despite what I've been through I still want her in my life. I know she's been struggling with lots of things and although I'm not hopeful that things will work out, I am open to that possibility.
Is there any instance where this is productive? To reach out I mean. I know the advice is not to do that but I feel like I need some 2x4's to remind me why it's the best chance of R.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I also notice that I miss her terribly. I have this urge to reach out and tell her how I feel. She should be part of this and despite what I've been through I still want her in my life. I know she's been struggling with lots of things and although I'm not hopeful that things will work out, I am open to that possibility.
Is there any instance where this is productive? To reach out I mean. I know the advice is not to do that but I feel like I need some 2x4's to remind me why it's the best chance of R.
You asked for a 2x4 so I will do my best =)
Do you think that you reaching out to her is going to help her with her struggles?
Or are you reaching out to help her strengthen her relationship with your son?
Or are you reaching out just to soothe your own feelings of loss and grief?
It sounds like you have a lot of feelings swirling around. This is why we advise in most cases to do nothing, Let those feelings settle so you can sort them out. While they are swirling around, if you take action, you are at the whim of your emotions without fully understanding them.
Does the fact she hasn't reached out in a week to you tell you something? Maybe in the future she will blame you for not initiating contact again? Will you feel guilty? Or will you feel like it is another justification on her part? You may have to face this in the future.
This stuff is super HARD. You are reminiscing about previous years. Recognize that you are triggered by those memories. But you can't go back to the old MR, whether you R or not.
"She should be part of this..." A wise person once told me "Don't go shoulding yourself." These are the MOANS... Must, Ought, Always, Never, Should... words best avoided. Hey, I still think my W *should* be trying harder to fix our MR for the sake of our kids, but she's not, and I have to empathize that she is on her own journey and I need to let it go. I may not use the language, but that feeling of "should' is still there. And it is not helpful to me in any way whatsoever.
To put it simply, when you pursue someone who is rejecting you that displays low value.
I hear you LH - and I agree with you. Sometimes I just feel like it should be different with your wife and mother of your child but I realize the dynamics are the same as all other relationships. I won't reach out to her even though my heart wants to.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Unchien - Sometimes I feel like reaching out will help her. Maybe if she knew I understood and still supported her she would be more willing to get her own counselling and work her way back. However, I've tried this and it didn't affect her as far as doing the hard work on herself so I know I'm just reaching.
As for my son - she'll have to figure out that side. I tell him that his mom loves him when he asks where she is. But he basically never mentions her. Almost that he's accepted she's not part of his life. It's a little sad to be honest but that's out of my control.
Yes, I'm likely reaching out in hopes of soothing my own loss and grief. I still cant' believe this is what's become of our marriage. It's tough to understand and that's why my thoughts spiral at times.
The fact she hasn't reached out tells me she either just doesn't care or possibly that it hurts her too much as she knows she's messed things up. Those are the two thoughts that go through my mind. Yes, I do worry she'll feel like I really wasnt' there for her and it will add to her justification. I know this isn't true - I've told her the odd time how I feel.
Hard is right...overall I think I've done well. My son seems very happy and he has lots of love around him. I'm working on rebuilding my business and I have more and more days where I'm doing well.
It's very difficult when you still really care and love the person who was walked away. Going from doing everything together and laughing a lot to no contact is hard to wrap your head around.
I appreciate all the support from this forum.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Finally heard from W last Sunday - nothing to report from there except she said she felt weird and sad looking at our photos that I posted of our trip on instagram.
On Remembrance Day I sent her a picture of a poppy (her dad was a veteran) and she replied: Thank you for thinking of us (heart).
Then Today she texts: "Looking forward to you guys coming home. It's very cold and snowy. Son is going to need snow gear ASAP and your winter tires changed over."
I'm not reading into these as she has showed concern for us before and it didn't lead to anything but I still find it odd if she's completely done with me.
My question: If she asks to do something as a family is it ok to go? There is no confirmation of an A (although I consider that likely) and I don't want to put up a giant roadblock if she's making attempts in her own way to spend time with me. If I can do that without expectations I assume that's ok? I feel fairly detached at this point and I'm more concerned with improving things about myself.
I just picked up a part-time job (old company wanted me back) that has the potential to add 50k to my yearly income so with both jobs I'll be working around 40 hours/week making 100k. Financially I wont' need her help at all. I'm in great shape and I've made some changes in my life to be less judgmental and more accepting of others choices. All in all, I'm in a good place to have a better relationship with her or with someone else.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
My question: If she asks to do something as a family is it ok to go? There is no confirmation of an A (although I consider that likely) and I don't want to put up a giant roadblock if she's making attempts in her own way to spend time with me.
Wait until she invites you. Respond with "Let me think about it". Then post here. Get feedback. Then make a decision.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My question: If she asks to do something as a family is it ok to go? There is no confirmation of an A (although I consider that likely) and I don't want to put up a giant roadblock if she's making attempts in her own way to spend time with me. If I can do that without expectations I assume that's ok? I feel fairly detached at this point and I'm more concerned with improving things about myself.
I agree with R2C in never jumping to a fast acceptance, tell her you'll think about it, or (my favorite) that you need to check your schedule and will let her know. As far as whether to go or not, the key is what you said- you need to be able to do it without expectations and if you can do that then in my opinion it's fine. My XW and I never did stop having joint birthday parties for the kids, in fact we still do it now. And every once in a while we'll all go out to dinner together. We do it for the kids, we've always tried to show them that we still support them together despite our differences.
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I just picked up a part-time job (old company wanted me back) that has the potential to add 50k to my yearly income so with both jobs I'll be working around 40 hours/week making 100k. Financially I wont' need her help at all. I'm in great shape and I've made some changes in my life to be less judgmental and more accepting of others choices. All in all, I'm in a good place to have a better relationship with her or with someone else.
