Hi Wmlc. Following along. Applying a lot of the same care to my sitch (still in waiting mode).
How are things with the kids? They doing okay? You sound well. Staying on course.
Keep posting.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Hi CanBird. Kids really aren't aware of the sitch at the moment. S18 is off at school, and S11 sees W before bed some nights and she's back to run her biz before he gets up in the morning. Holidays will be tough, as we usually go all-out. It will be different this year, obviously. Going to be as strong and unemotional about whatever W decides for holidays. I will be with my boys, no matter what.
I know you have some similar concerns about your sitch, Stay strong, you can do this!
Discussed Thanksgiving plans with W. Kids will come with me to my family. and she will go to hers. She indicated she was more concerned about getting through Christmas, I validated and said I understand why that would be a concern to her.
Still no movement from W on finances, house etc. I just try and come and go "as if" and really don't do much but engage in friendly roommate small talk. Having to see her everyday isn't optimal (she runs g=her biz out of house), but it's the best we can do at this moment with trial separation. Tempting as it might be to push things along, I'm not going to do the heavy lifting.
Hi Wmlc. I totally agree on the heavy lifting. Leave it. And your Lighthouse light is still shinning bright. It's got to be tough, I can't even imagine, having her work out of the home like she does. Well done. Handling this like a champ.
Yes, the holidays will be different. Sending you lots of positive vibes. Maybe do something a little extra special with you & your boys.
And how about you? Any new activities keeping you busy? Or old ones you reclaimed?
Be well & keep posting:)
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
It's going to be difficult as the kids will have be told something after the holidays. They are pretty much in the dark as of now. This is by far the toughest part of the equation for me: the psychological damage that will be with my boys for the rest of their lives, due to their mother's own selfishness. I will be on guard not to snap at her as this unfolds, but it's going to naturally boil to the surface. That's unavoidable, but reactions are within my own control.
I don't want to say anything to them until we have some more definitive answers, but I may not have that opportunity.
As for me, I continue to GAL as much as I can. Joining a gym (I work out at home right now), catching up with old friends, and looking at taking some guitar lessons!
This is by far the toughest part of the equation for me: the psychological damage that will be with my boys for the rest of their lives, due to their mother's own selfishness. I will be on guard not to snap at her as this unfolds, but it's going to naturally boil to the surface. That's unavoidable, but reactions are within my own control.
I have found this is my newest/toughest resentment that I have 3 months post-BD now that S4 is beginning to exhibit anxiety/separation issues from switching back and forth between us every 7 days.
I know it's not helpful at all to have these feelings, and I hope some veterans on here can provide us some good words of encouragement and insight on how to work through this.
Just so tough to know we are two able bodied, loving parents that I thought loved one another and now she's breaking all of that up so she can go be with a gentleman that has partial custody of a D2 and a very lengthy track record of cheating on any female he has any relationship with.
I just want to say that I am know exactly how you feel right now with the holidays coming up and wondering if it will be the last that you spend together as a family. I also know about the selfishness in fact with mine it just continues even after D.
What I can tell you is that if you and your W handle this as amicably as possible your children won’t be psychologically damaged. So much of what you are going through and thinking doesn’t actually come true. I’m not going to lie, the process [censored], but you will get through it and live a good life if you choose.
Just push through day by day until things become clearer.
What I can tell you is that if you and your W handle this as amicably as possible your children won’t be psychologically damaged.
Look, I don't want to the gloom-and-doomer and rain on anyone's parade, here, but the children are always damaged to one degree or another, even if they are older and even in so-called amicable divorces. And you can be as nice-nice friendly as you want, but D's that have at least some of their roots planted in infidelity are never completely "amicable." There are hard feelings there and the kids pick up on it, in addition to the always-present trauma of having one's family pulled apart. Do you want to make the process as least combative/abusive as possible? Of course. But don't for a second let yourself believe it will have no psychological impact on the kids, because you'd be lying to yourself (or your kids are sociopaths). There's no way it can't traumatize the kids. I've seen enough divorce up close and personal to know this intimately. It's one of the reasons that "busting divorce" and saving one's marriage is so worthwhile.
That said, yes, of course, you want to do what you can to minimize the trauma to your kids, and you can of course do things during and after the divorce to cushion the blow and let them know they are loved, and cherished, and that this isn't their fault.
But they are going to be traumatized. You need to understand this and be prepared for it so you can respond appropriately.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
