So when W came back yesterday, she seemed nice, no problems. Then we kept texting a bit on logistics. I was doing financial disclosure stuff and asked her to pick up D15 from dance.
When I got home, W and D15 were in the car, D15 was crying and looked very upset. W got out and I asked her what was going on, and she said "Nothing I have (or want) to discuss with you" and kept walking. Gave her a bit of time, daughter didn't want to talk, I asked W again what was wrong with our daughter and she said something about how she doesn't have to tell me, she can talk to her about anything.
Talked to D15, she told me her mom was just in a bad mood. She said I was "using her (D15)" (!!!), and a bunch of other stuff. Not happy at all about W saying I'm "using my daughter" but I can't confront her on that because D15 asked me not to say anything to her mom.
W wanted to read to D5, she wanted to watch TV. W was not happy, told her to sleep in her bed, D5 didn't want to, I encouraged her to read with her mom but she was having none of it. She ended up sleeping in the bed.
She disappeared for a while, I think she stepped out of the house to talk on the phone and walk. No idea who.
This morning I woke up W, everybody was late. She was in a better mood, told D5 to make sure she said good morning to me and to show me a toy catalog with some things she was excited about. Again, pleasant and no problems, completely different from last night. During her "trip" she had her hair done, I told her it looked nice (maybe I shouldn't have?). She said thanks.
Any ideas as to how to handle the situation with my W and D15? I'm still not happy about her telling her "your dad is using you". Her narrative is that I've gotten closer to them and played victim so they "pick my side".
She's also pretty much accused everyone in the house to be a "manipulator".
My issue is I don't want to start an argument, and I don't want to put D15 in a though spot because she's afraid her mom will find out she told me this. I'm trying to ignore it for now ...
Go to the book store and browse the parenting section. One or two books should stand out. While you are there, check out the personal growth section. Buy them, read them, then go back to book store and repeat.
Focus on your relationship with your D15. She needs you now more than ever.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Good advise, thanks. When I drove her to school this morning, we went to our secret breakfast spot, some of the best Cuban sandwiches you can find in FL. We were laughing that now that we go to this place, we don't have to look at the menu or say anything because they know what we want.
We always did it, but specially now, I'm thinking of getting Disney passes for the kids and myself. However, I'm thinking of *not* getting one for my W.
I don't think she would mind too much, to get a break she would tell me to take the kids by myself even before and one year even said to not get her a ticket.
Still, wondering if this could cause tensions. I'm thinking of mentioning it to her first, but do I have to? Any ideas?
OK, I kind of messed up last night, lots of stuff going on, could use some guidance.
1) Since coming back from her trip, my W seems more upset at me. I didn't complain about the trip, and we were communicating ok via text. When back, I didn't run up to her and linger, I tried to mind my business, said hi and went back into MBR. I was talking on the phone with a friend, and she interrupted a few times to ask me things, so far she was pretty nice. Later that night something happened and she seemed more dismissive against me, she had a fight / argument with D15.
2) For some reason, she has no money. I don't know why, she has her own account and I can't see it. She got paid Friday, but asked me for gas money the other day. We have an account that we share, and I put money in it. She spent most of it, and asked me to put more. I didn't, and when she was driving back from work she ran out of gas (!!!). She's just upset in general that she doesn't have money ... she was used to just getting my paycheck and doing whatever she wanted ... which caused a lot of problems in our M.
3) Yesterday she just wouldn't even say hi. Against my better judgment I decided to ask her what was wrong, what did I do to upset her? She said "I don't need to talk to you". I insisted, she told me the other day she felt my actions don't follow my words, I told her if she could explain that. She refused to. Then she started yelling at me, and launching her list of complaints. I did finally get a bit upset and tell her she's lacking empathy and is being extremely rude, this upset her more and she yelled even more. She said "we're not friends" and that I'm just upset because she's not talking to me. I told her I didn't want to talk about R, but I want to make sure we can get along. She said she was not sorry to tell me what she's telling me, that she wants to stand up to herself and that maybe her delivery (yelling) is wrong. She apologized to D15 and D13 for yelling, which was good to see at least.
So that's the situation, I should have not asked her why she was upset and just let her be. But we've regressed here, and I have no idea why. My only guess is her frustration at the lack of money and she having to ask me for money. I can't just give her my paycheck, and I don't want to just give her a chunk of money to budget at this point. Whatever amount of money is there, she'll spend up to it.
She says she has no money, yet she bought shoes and still buys junk from Ross. She's always had this problem, it really sounds like an addiction.
We were going to go to mediation next Tuesday. I asked my L to postpone it, I have a super important meeting I can't miss that day and it's being moved to Dec. I expect my W to be super upset at this, she thinks I'm delaying the whole process. Which I'm not consciously doing.
-stop all and any communication with wife that isn't absolutely necessary. -stay out of W and children's relationship unless it becomes abusive and if it does handle that using a lawyer and law enforcement -work on yourself -work on your relationship with children -work on being the stability your children need -make sure you are financial secure (no joint credit cards or other loans) -GAL -detach for your own sanity
Why:
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my W seems more upset at me
She is and there is nothing you can do about it because I doubt even she knows why right now.
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she interrupted a few times to ask me things, she seemed more dismissive against me, Yesterday she just wouldn't even say hi, She refused to, she yelled even more. She said "we're not friends", She said she was not sorry to tell me what she's telling me
Her actions and words seem to align. She has zero respect for you!
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I did finally get a bit upset and tell her she's lacking empathy and is being extremely rude
She is lacking empathy, is being rude, doesn't have respect for you, chooses to see only the negative, chooses to be angry with you, chooses to damage her relationship with her children, chooses to spend her money unwisely. So the question becomes what are you going to choose because you can't control her only you.
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I expect my W to be super upset at this, she thinks I'm delaying the whole process.
If it is the best thing for you or for the children you don't need to care.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Thanks roosk, I needed that. Will try my best to follow your advise.
W is increasingly upset, and not well either (stress).
She asked me to pay some of her bills, because her credit score dropped again (ironic because she screwed both of ours) but I had to email my L to see if I'm supposed to pay those or not. Haven't heard a response yet.
Then she asked me if I was picking kids up tonight, which is supposed to be "her weekend" with the kids. I told her no, because I'm planning on doing some GAL activity (still don't know what). She asked me why? So now is upset, I don't know if she's upset because she had a plan to do something or because she hates the idea of seeing me do something else (or a bit of both)?
She then went on a texting tirade about this, and how I never helped her or cared about her. She's completely rewritten our 20 year M and 29 year relationship. I tried to validate a bit and keep responses short, but she just kept going on a barrage. Then telling me to tell my L to stop delaying things, that delaying the D is hurting our kids. I had to fight every urge to respond to that.
So things are tense, but I'm going to do something tonight because as roosk said, she has no respect for me and I have to stop playing Mr. Nice guy.
Sunday is D15's birthday and still don't know what we're going to do, so trying to figure that out.
