Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2)

[Traveler]

Hi Augosto,

When W said D18 told her some mean things, did you validate? “Wow, I bet it hurt hearing D18 sound so angry at you.” I guess I’m missing a step, how you go from she’s upset at what D18 told her—which is a great opportunity to validate her feelings (it’s easier when we don’t feel like the cause of someone else’s pain)—to feeling like you can’t win?

[Augusto]

Sorry, didn't explain right. She complained that D18 said mean things and that I didn't say anything, just stayed quiet and on my phone.

Should have validated, but this was so off reality I told her I actually told D18 to be respectful to her.

[AnotherStander]

I think I found another option for the tree, still in the living room but without moving her drawers with clothes. There's an area on the corner I could use. We'll have to move a table and another sofa a bit ... but I do want to start setting up for Christmas. The other area is in front of a portrait we have of her with her wedding gown, don't think she'll mind if we put the tree in front of it :-)

Ha! Yeah that sounds like a good plan.

A lot going on ... but this was surreal.

On the way back from Disney Springs, W and D18 started arguing. D18 was just telling W what road to take, something trivial, and they starting fighting over that. D18 said some mean things; 'You're angry at the world. You're angry at everybody, etc.' and W was arguing but not screaming (she was tired). I started talking to D18 and telling her to please be respectful with her mom

Why oh why did you take sides? HUGE mistake!!!! What did your D say that was wrong? Your W IS angry at the world and everyone in it! I'm not saying you should side with your D, I am saying the fight was between W and D and you should stay out of it. If either one of them asks for your opinion then you validate.

"Do you hear what your D is saying? Aren't you going to say something??"
"I can see that both of you are very upset, I am sorry you're fighting, I don't want to interfere as that might make things worse."
"Dad, mom is so angry about everything and treating us so poorly, you need to tell her!"
"I am sorry you're upset, this is a difficult time for all of us and I hope we can support each other rather than fight."

Take a neutral stance. You're not on anyone's side, you're there to support BOTH of them.

that if she didn't like how she said something that she made her point, to not keep piling on. Told her to be grateful mom is driving her where she needs to go in the first place.

You INvalidated. You basically told your D her feelings don't matter. Can you imagine that in this extremely difficult time for her how that must impact her, to have her own dad tell her she's wrong and needs to shut up and be happy? Look, if your D gets mad or frustrated or upset then RESPECT that. Those are HER feelings, and you need to support her instead of alienating her. ESPECIALLY your D. Your W is the author of this mess, but your D is a victim.

W is complaining to me that D18 was telling her some very mean things "you're going to end up lonely and die alone", while I was busy on my phone.

"That must have been very difficult for you to hear, how did that make you feel?" Brush up on the validation threads.

[Augusto]

Yeah, this is the second time I "defend" my W when one of the kids are arguing and it always backfires. I'm a slow learner.

The war between D18 and W continues. I was GAL'ing last night and D18 called me that she needed some food, then my W called me too and I didn't answer as I was talking to D18. She texted something like "Interesting that you only answer when you need something". I responded that I was talking to D18.

This morning my W said that D18 told her "You're not my mom, you're only my legal mom" and other harsh things. I told her I'll talk to her, she asked me not to, that when I talked to her last time she used that against her (against W). So I'm left with my daughters continuing to have these fights with my W and me not being able to do much or anything. Very frustrating.

[rooskers]

So I'm left with my daughters continuing to have these fights with my W and me not being able to do much or anything. Very frustrating.

Concentrate on your relationship with D18 and don't worry about theirs. D18 is hurting a lot and if you try to interfere with her anger at W then she will see this as you taking sides against her. Don't encourage any harmful behavior or words but at the same time don't try to fix it. It is likely D18 just wants someone to hear her anger and love her anyways. Please be that person. I understand how frustrating this can be, just read my sitch.

[Augusto]

Thanks rooskers.

Yeah situation with the kids is delicate, basically the 2 oldest ones have issues with their mom right now, and D13 is the one that seems to be more attached to her ... she told me something mean this weekend, but thankfully she did apologize. I found a diary she wrote while fixing her bed, and it broke my hear that she wrote earlier this year that she thought her mom hated her. I don't know why, but they all felt like that at one point or another, and I didn't realize it until now.

This weekend, but specially sunday had a lot of fun with the kids, specifically D5, she really wanted to play soccer so we went and practiced at night and had a lot of fun! Also went to play old school arcade games.

This weekend my W came back from her weekend away that she does every other weekend, which was weird. She came back Saturday, sat in my bed to talk to me about some kid stuff, was overall nice. Then she left for a "birthday party" and didn't come back until the next day. I'm really getting sick of her weekend away, just looks bad to me and I don't even know what to tell the kids.

Mediation is nearing ... December 13 is the day.

[Augusto]

Holidays ...

A mutual friend of ours invited us for Thanksgiving and my W told me if I wanted to go with the kids, that she was going to decline. She's having almost no contact with our old friends.

So initially she wanted to do thanksgiving with the kids and not me, not she flipped and I'll have the girls for Thanksgiving.

She also told me it was OK if I wanted to have the kids over Christmas break (their cousins are visiting) and since I'm getting Disney passes that I can take the kids to the parks even this weekend (supposedly her weekend with them) if I wanted to.

So I'm all for spending as much time as possible with the kids, but really weird that she's saying all of this. I also can't believe it's so easy for her to not spend the holidays with our kids. That's never happened before .... am I reading too much into this?

[rooskers]

it broke my hear that she wrote earlier this year that she thought her mom hated her. I don't know why, but they all felt like that at one point or another, and I didn't realize it until now.

I have found that my D13 had a completely different experience with her mother her whole life when I wasn't around. I have been shocked what my daughter has revealed to me. My XW had checked out on the family a long time ago and not only was I blind to what she was doing to me but I was blind to what she was doing to D13. In the beginning it was easy to get so caught up in my own pain and feelings of betrayal that I was blind to how much my XW had hurt D13.

It is possible your D13 feels her mom completely pulling away and so her response could be much like many of us have in our early stages which is to panic, beg, and plead for the relationship in her own way. She is scared of losing her mom and since she sees and feels her mom pulling away, her anger will probably be directed at you because it can't be directed at the one she is afraid of losing. Fight her anger with your love, counter W unpredictability with dependability. I strongly urge you to find a therapist (preferably a female) to help guide her through this.

One way I was able to communicate with my daughter was by keeping a shared journal. It is a way for her to express her feelings of anger and hurt toward her mother. I can then validate and consider my responses before writing them in the shared journal. It is amazing how much more she communicates with me as opposed to having a sit down talk.

You might feel like you should bring all of this up with your W. I wouldn't recommend this because it will be seen as controlling and as if you are trying to accuse her of being a bad mom. She will then likely respond with anger and accuse you of trying to manipulate the children against her. Let your W do what she is going to do because you cannot fix her or fix her relationship with the children. If she leaves or doesn't want to spend time with them it is her problem not yours. All you can do is be the parent who is always there for the children. My daughter has this memorized "Always and Forever No Matter What!"

I'm really getting sick of her weekend away, just looks bad to me and I don't even know what to tell the kids.

If you are talking about telling the children you are separating then there are plenty of books to help or you can schedule an appointment with a therapist to help guide you through it. If the question is how to talk about your W's actions don't say anything. The children have noticed and I guarantee they are hurting deeply from it. The only thing your children need from you is unconditional love, support, and to know you will always be there for them. Spending as much quality time with them as you can will be the action that proves it. Playing soccer with your daughter was perfect.

Finally, take some time to relax because your children will notice. It will help them to understand that no matter what their mom is doing or not doing, their dad is a lighthouse to guide them through stormy weather.

[rooskers]

So I'm all for spending as much time as possible with the kids, but really weird that she's saying all of this. I also can't believe it's so easy for her to not spend the holidays with our kids. That's never happened before .... am I reading too much into this?

she thought her mom hated her. I don't know why, but they all felt like that at one point or another, and I didn't realize it until now.

The war between D18 and W continues.

Then she asked me if I was picking kids up tonight, which is supposed to be "her weekend" with the kids.

When I got home, W and D15 were in the car, D15 was crying and looked very upset. W got out and I asked her what was going on, and she said "Nothing I have (or want) to discuss with you" and kept walking.

I can't confront her on that because D15 asked me not to say anything to her mom.

Your children are saying something loud and clear to you and your W's actions are backing it up. Please do everything you can to truly listen to what your children are saying. I didn't truly listen to my daughter until she had thoughts of suicide.

[Ready2Change]

Holidays ...A mutual friend of ours invited us for Thanksgiving and my W told me if I wanted to go with the kids

Accept the invite. Go enjoy your time with your kids and friends.