Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 5

[crdcheck]

I do wish W would reconsider. I wonder if D has to happen and then she gets to hear about my actions and changes and how I've improved myself. Maybe then she'll wonder what would have happened had she stuck it out and not gone crazy and told everyone.

I keep reminding myself that my goal is to become AMOAFWL. If our Ws choose to leave (or continue to stay away) then their loss. You posted some good physical stats earlier, you have an active social life (GAL!), are gainfully employed, and so on - you'll be a great catch for someone, even if it's not your W. Her loss. And as others have said, you shouldn't be getting into a serious relationship for some time (I hear 1 year or more), during that time W may realize that you weren't the root of all of her problems and look back.

One other thing I have to remind myself of is that, as many bad things as I did, our Ws are betraying us in different ways, too. So, your W is willing to walk, cast you aside, do you really want to be with someone like that? Now, if she finally "snapped" and is able to collaborate on the relationship, address her issues, too, then absolutely. But I have to tell myself that I don't want to go back to my W as-is.

Anyway, you're doing well for YOURSELF, not your W, so you'll end up better off regardless of the outcome.

[DaB35]

I keep reminding myself that my goal is to become AMOAFWL. If our Ws choose to leave (or continue to stay away) then their loss. You posted some good physical stats earlier, you have an active social life (GAL!), are gainfully employed, and so on - you'll be a great catch for someone, even if it's not your W. Her loss.

Thanks - yes I was pleased when the gym gave me those figures. Apparently six-packs start showing at under 10% fat (read online somewhere) so I'm not far off! There are definitely a few changes on the arms, and I'm walking better and have less shoulder pain.

I'm very thankful for my job. I like where I work, and my work colleagues are good people, and my boss is a very friendly guy. I remember when my W suggested I quit and take a job near home. Whilst that would have been nice with respect to a reduced commute, THANK GOD I didn't do that! I'd be in a much worse mess I think if that were the case.

It really is her loss, because I've just sorted it out. Her response back in May/June? "Too little too late."
I could have done nothing and not been remorseful or still closed off and wallowed in self-pity like I had done. But I feel I've broken through those barriers I'd put up and feel somewhat lighter emotionally. The fact that I'm also getting back into hobbies and things means I'm really looking after myself more than I had done. I'm watching what I eat, and updating my wardrobe (on DS9's advice - stocking up on new slim fit shirts!)

And as others have said, you shouldn't be getting into a serious relationship for some time (I hear 1 year or more), during that time W may realize that you weren't the root of all of her problems and look back.

Yes. I have absolutely no desire for any rebound Rs or anything. It's not even crossed my mind. I would be happy to be alone for more than a year frankly whilst I save up and just improve even more dramatically.

One other thing I have to remind myself of is that, as many bad things as I did, our Ws are betraying us in different ways, too. So, your W is willing to walk, cast you aside, do you really want to be with someone like that? Now, if she finally "snapped" and is able to collaborate on the relationship, address her issues, too, then absolutely. But I have to tell myself that I don't want to go back to my W as-is.

Yeah, I have been thinking about this. She is a wonderful woman. However, at this stage, she is just point blank refusing IC for herself. She desperately needs it - I'm sure that it would wake her up to certain aspects of her family dynamic, her boisterous nature, her being more dominant to me when she's been subservient to her main friend group and to her sister (being the youngest of 3 siblings). But she just refuses: "I'll be fine."

I agree with my sister - something will hit her in the future. I don't know if she'll follow through with her desire to remain friends. I really don't know.

I am busying myself with becoming AMOAFWL of course. I will remain that. That is my goal, my early NY resolution!

[crdcheck]

Yeah, I have been thinking about this. She is a wonderful woman. However, at this stage, she is just point blank refusing IC for herself. She desperately needs it - I'm sure that it would wake her up to certain aspects of her family dynamic, her boisterous nature, her being more dominant to me when she's been subservient to her main friend group and to her sister (being the youngest of 3 siblings). But she just refuses: "I'll be fine."

Be careful with this one - I felt that my W needed IC but the one she chose has just reinforced her beliefs. When I go to my IC it's "what can I do to change this situation". With W it seems like she says "Can you believe what H is doing to me?" I say that because she claims that IC has told her that she's dependent, I'm manipulative and a narcissist (we've never met), and her website (the IC's, that is) is all about empowerment, finding yourself, etc. From the various divorce books (including Divorce Busting) it seems like one of those well-meaning folks who says "Oh, he's hurting you? Get him out of your life!" rather than diving into the deeper issues that plague both.

One of my top regrets is recommending that W go to an IC - she did nothing but steel my W against the marriage.

[DaB35]

OK yes another good point. I just wish we could have gone to MC together. My IC offered for W to come to some sessions with me. Her words were, "Nope. Not interested."

One thing she put in the divorce papers was that she mentioned MC and I "refused and declined" it. I genuinely have no recollection of this. If she did, this was December 2017 (when she found the web page open on my phone). But then she never mentioned it after that. Not defending myself, just saying that I can't recall her saying this and found it frustrating that she didn't keep bringing it up. If she did then maybe I would have gone. I was too proud to go originally as I thought I'd deal with things myself (NGS - keep doing the same thing expecting different results). D'oh!

I have not been pushing this at all. I have been NC unless necessary, really since the summer. It does feel terrible sometimes. Other times I'm glad I have so much time to myself at this stage in my life as someone in their mid-30s.

[DaB35]

Listening to certain bits of NMMNG again and I do honestly feel I'm overcoming this behaivour.

It has been eye-opening to realise that I was always trying to placate W all the time, even if it meant I was unhappy.

A simple example would be Christmas. Her family live far away (with the exception of her brother who was only 30min away from us), and my family are an hour away.
However it always felt like we had to spend as long as possible with her family, like 5-6 days over Christmas, yet 'shoe-horn' visiting my parents, sister and aunt for a day or two at the most, then we'd have to be off visiting her friends etc. Her family visited us very infrequently; her parents would come visit (usually at a few days' notice) once or at most twice a year, and her sister and her family would probably come once a year, but most of the time we'd have to drive up north to see them. Yet W would not make time to come down to see my family as much. I've mentioned before that she has on more than one occasion expressed that she prefers Christmas with her family ("It's more fun when it's a [her surname] Christmas." This really upset me but would I just let it go year after year.

Lots of other minor things too. If I made a little mistake whilst driving - say I was a little too close to the car in front approaching a roundabout, or was struggling to reverse out of a tight parking spot - I'd get a rant admonishing me, a lecture about what I did wrong, and then be told what I should have done instead. Sometimes I'd snap back "OK OK I'm trying!" or again just let it hit me and not respond. Then I'd bury that emotion and store it up along with all other frustrations, annoyances etc.

I've really analysed how I approached (or rather did not approach) these situations, and thought about how I'd do things differently now with this newly found confidence and more self-respect I have.

I did put her on a pedestal and that was dangerous because I lost - to use a term from the book - my 'personal power' in the R. However, thinking back, she put me on a pedestal too. She was always making out I was this perfect man to al land sundry and as I result I disliked that as I felt I couldn't ever do anything wrong or slip up at all, and if I did I let her down really badly.

Have others found this too - being too subservient then realising it too late?

[AnotherStander]

One thing she put in the divorce papers was that she mentioned MC and I "refused and declined" it. I genuinely have no recollection of this.

My XW said the exact same thing, to me rather than in the D papers though. I didn't remember it either! There was an incident years before BD where she ran up a large amount of debt on her CC and we had an argument about it, at the time she said she was worried I might leave her and asked if we needed counseling and I told her no because I thought we could work through it (and we did). So maybe that's what she meant, who knows. The re-writing of history can be very confusing to the LBS.

I did put her on a pedestal and that was dangerous because I lost - to use a term from the book - my 'personal power' in the R. However, thinking back, she put me on a pedestal too. She was always making out I was this perfect man to al land sundry and as I result I disliked that as I felt I couldn't ever do anything wrong or slip up at all, and if I did I let her down really badly.

Have others found this too - being too subservient then realising it too late?

Well we all had our faults, mine were different than yours (in my case there was a lot of passive/aggressive behavior by me towards my XW) but no less significant. We can't change history, but we can change our futures so that's what we do. We read, we learn, we change and we go onward and upward as better people

[DaB35]

The re-writing of history can be very confusing to the LBS.

Yes absolutely. I found she was saying how unhappy she was with certain things, but hardly, or never brought them up with me. And yet she would pride herself on not being "the kind of woman who plays mind games" and she'd say, "If I'm not happy I tell you." Not really!

We can't change history, but we can change our futures so that's what we do. We read, we learn, we change and we go onward and upward as better people

Great point. I will remember this. Whilst I can't go back in time and make things better, I can look forward and continue to improve myself and my perceptions within any R, whether that is with W or not. If it is with her further down the line, then great (but this time I would insist on C for both of us). If not, then her loss. She threw it away when I wanted to work and she even said to me "I believe you can change." That is what makes this whole thing worse. I wish she hadn't said that.

[DaB35]

Strange dream last night - I was walking at night with my W's brother and he said "So why did you do what you did?" I started explaining and he just listened. Then I woke up. Thought about W for a few minutes and then got up and did some stretching and breathing exercises to clear my head.

I haven't really thought about W's friends at all - very fleeting, literally seconds once in a while. I feel guilty that I haven't spoken to her parents; they really loved me and I feel so awful for betraying W. Tough sometimes isn't it!

[DaB35]

Had a thought of guilt today that I'm not contacting W at all. Not asking her how she is, how she's getting on etc.
I am worried that she thinks I don't care about her, or maybe other people (family/friends) she is talking to think that I don't care as I've not "tried to fight" or whatever.
I do care about her, very much so. I do hope she is ok.

I guess this is normal. Just felt a bit anxious that I may be coming across as uncaring.

I've been doing well with GAL this week - gym 4 times so far, trip to London yesterday to meet a friend and watch a classical concert, plus this weekend is busy. So the PMA is still there. I just miss her company really.

[DaB35]

Adding to my last post above -

Is this natural that I feel bad about not contacting her? I know it helps with detaching etc., but at the same time I'm concerned she thinks - or others are coercing her to think - that I don't care full stop and not tried to work things out (even though I absolutely have).

I do hope W is ok. I know I shouldn't just text "Hi how are you?" as it doesn't really mean anything. But it's making me feel bad that I'm not speaking to her. Having said that - yes, she is not speaking to me either, but I don't know if that's her 100% or others again telling her not to reach out and she's just following that to keep the peace.

I want to keep the picnic and lighthouse going still - do I need to be aware if this news gets back to her? Or just have the picnic, keep the lighthouse on and be pleasant whenever the time arises that we need to speak to each other in any format?

Mind-reading I know, I know...!