Shame and devastation 3

[Ready2Change]

1) I have Email as primary form of communication written into my D agreement. That was one of my boundaries.

2) Focus on reducing confusion, clarifying and getting agreements.

3) Be very civil.

4) Get agreements to be reciprocal.




For context:

One of my emails from a long thread:

XW,

Thank you for clarifying the dates for your vacation plans. There was definitely confusion when the information about your trip was coming only from the children.

As far as dropping the kids off at 5p on Wednesday, I am flexible. If flights are delayed or weather is bad, please text me as soon as you know you will be late so we can plan accordingly.

Also, I have no intention on calling the police. Not sure why you would think that unless you are referring to our conversations back in November 2012 when I yet again brought it to your attention that we must ask (not inform) each other for exceptions to parenting time when needed.

Good luck in the marathon and enjoy your time with our kids. R2C

Another:

It appears there is some confusion regarding this fathers day. I would like to reach a mothers day / fathers day agreement with you.

I was talking to the children about fathers day and they all said "Mom said she doesn't want us to be with you on fathers day and there is nothing in the paperwork." In the past, you have dropped the kids off the night before at 6p and I dropped them back off at 6p. I did check the divorce agreement and there is nothing regarding Fathers day or Mothers day.

I see two options that are best for our children and allow them to spend mothers day/ fathers day with the appropriate parent:

1) 24 hour option --> 8:30p the night before to 8:30p the night of
2) 11.5 hour option --> 9a the day of to 8:30p the day of

Do either of these sound good to you? If not, do you have another suggestion?

If I don't hear back from you by 5p today, I will initiate the mediation process to help us come to resolution.

Thanks for you attention to this matter.

Best Regards,R2C

I searched the paperwork last week and saw nothing regarding Mother's/Father's Day. I told the kids that we would stop by so that they could see you and then we head to celebrate with my dad.

Yes, searching the paperwork will not give you the answer to my question. Searching your core values will. I have spoken with each of the children and they all expressed their deep desires to share mothers day with you and fathers day with me. We can do the right thing for our kids and allow them to spend fathers day with me and mothers day with you. Or we can fall back on legal paperwork. Your choice. I just suggest making the right choice for the right reasons.

If you change your mind before 1p tomorrow (That will give you ample time to speak with the children and hear their true feelings as well as consult anyone else) , let me know and we can work out the exchange times.

If I don't hear back from you, I will consider this matter closed (even though I don't think it is the right choice) and we will stick to the normal parenting schedule on mothers day and fathers day from this point forward.

Best Regards,R2c

[Ready2Change]

So just heard from the kids, wife's sister is offering to pay for them all to go to Argentina,
Not a word from the wife to me on this.

I would take this as an opportunity to negotiate "Vacation time".

I would take it as an opportunity to politely point out that i you would prefer to hear about this from her rather than the children.

[Jdevast]

Managed to discuss the trip to Argentina, was a few messages from her regarding work early eve, I dropped it in that kids mentioned they were going soon.

Her: not soon, but sister has offered to pay for tickets and show them that part of the world if it's ok with you?
Me: that's really good of her, sounds like an amazing experience for them.
Her: yes kids are excited.
Me: I'm happy for them

So I felt kinda good that I hadn't descended into being obstructive for the sake of it.

She dropped kids off and mentioned a few swaps to days she would like to request over xmas ( now using a scheduling app although still waiting for her to get back to me on parenting plan proposals I sent)

Me: sure, we can look at all that when we agree the plan and have some structure going forward.

Her: a little flustered, I'm not ready to respond to all those things, why does it mention that you want kids to retain access to my sister and your parents, of course they can.

Me: just following the template format, it identifies all those things as things we should agree.

Her: what template?

Me: the example form I sent you last week

Her: I didn't see it , I was sick

Me: that's ok, when you get a chance

And she left

Later on early evening my kids asked to vid chat her, so I let them call her,

She's at home, they chat, my son calls me over to talk to the pet birds back at the family home, my wife makes a real point of the phone camera not showing her while I'm on the call.
I see her anyway, She's dressed up to the nines.

I don't say anything and stay Pma.

But man, afterwards my head is spinning, She's entertaining someone in the family home.

I know it's unhealthy and nothing I can control

Just hard, so want there to be some hope, and temptation to pursue is maddening at times.
I can only trust in you guys that DBing is my best hope,
The time and patience required seems unreal.

[Jdevast]

Just another daily update,
Needing to get my thoughts out rather than swimming in my head,

Zero communication this morning, usually a number of messages about work.

Then this afternoon a couple of work messages from her,
1st was asking if I could pick up daughter as she had so much to do

( I figured she had either attended a legal meeting or a victim support group, I could see from my end that she had done next to nothing in getting online orders out over the last 2 days.

Made the choice to wait 45 minutes before responding, replied I can pick her up, but have to somewhere until 2.30. If I pick her up will you run orders to post office tmrw?

She agreed, then all further messages were extremely cold and business like from her.

Realized that perhaps I have been far to friendly and positive in our message exchanges so far.
Been trying to just give off a Pma, but also feel that she perhaps thinks I think everything is normal between us.

Maybe I just need to dial back a bit, stay positive but not too friendly.

Another day of repressing urges for a r talk.

Today I have mostly been wanting to hold my hands up and let her know I take accountability for my half of the relationship issues and at same time raise her half that she is glossing over, highlight some of her controlling behaviour

Sure that would all go down well lol!

Seriously, is there a time to raise these things, is it way way down the road?

[LH19]

Way down the road if she desires to recon.

[Augusto]

My W will drop her R talk bombs, and then say she doesn't want to talk about the R and leave it there. She paints everything in the most negative light, which is why it's so difficult to say nothing about that, I believe the more she repeats this stuff the more she digs in to her narrative.

[AnotherStander]

Realized that perhaps I have been far to friendly and positive in our message exchanges so far.
Been trying to just give off a Pma, but also feel that she perhaps thinks I think everything is normal between us.

Remember the picnic/castle analogy. She's going to sloooowly come out of the castle to look at what you're doing and then run back in, raise the drawbridge and board the windows with no explanation. Then sloooowly come out again and repeat.

Maybe I just need to dial back a bit, stay positive but not too friendly.

Again with the picnic analogy- you just keep having your picnic. You don't change what you're doing in response to her coming closer or running away. Consistency!

Today I have mostly been wanting to hold my hands up and let her know I take accountability for my half of the relationship issues and at same time raise her half that she is glossing over, highlight some of her controlling behaviour

Sure that would all go down well lol!

Oh she would love it. She already thinks everything is your fault (in typical WAS fashion), so basically you would just be giving her reassurances that indeed, it IS all your fault. LBS's have tried this and it always backfires. The WAS will use their own words against them, sometimes even documenting it and using it in court to "prove" the LBS is a bad spouse or even parent.

Seriously, is there a time to raise these things, is it way way down the road?

If you ever get to the point of recon discussions, then you can BOTH talk about areas of improvement. Not to blame each other but to sort out what you want moving forward.

[Jdevast]

So I was all 20mins ago with enjoying my picnic and projecting a Pma.

Check in on the joint account and it's clear she went out for dinner and drinks ( telling myself it's just her friends)

Money into that account was from a joint welfare claim and agreed was for bills, kids and food only.

Itching to raise it now, will raise hell I'm sure. Or sit on it for a few days and get my wording straight?

[Jdevast]

Another day.
Went out last night, told my kids I was going out for dinner and drinks with some friends.
I had to stop by the house 1st to drop my s12 phone off.

He invites me in to see the birds, I check with wife and she says it's ok.
Kept a real Pma, laughing with the kids, Wife sits on sofa refusing to even look or engage with me.
I leave keeping things positive.

This morning receive a message at 08.30am
Her: will be over at 10.30 to collect rest of kids things, can you do all the orders today, I can't work all day as I have the kids.
My phone was off but replied at 11am
"Phone ran out, back at home now, all the kids stuff is ready whenever you are. I may go into work later this afternoon.

No response

She turns up at the door with d6 at 12.00.
I invite her in, offer her tea, she declines, she asks if she can borrow a cigarette.
I say sure, and start packing the kids gear into the car.
Again all Pma with me and d6.
Again she's barely speaking to me and avoiding any eye contact with me.

She leaves, feel I handled the interaction well, but really hurts and feels like I'm projecting that I'm not bothered about our MR.

[Jdevast]

So I went out last night, trying hard to Gal and met some friends, also bumped into some shared friends of mine and wife who I hadn't seen in 10 years.

My wife's new best friend also appeared at same venue which made everything awkward.
Said hi to her, not much more.

Son video called me this morning, Wife is in the background, obviously still angry with me.
Messaged her to say I had seen old friends and that they had said to say hi.

Immediate message back
"Please don't send messages from other friends to me"

I replied "Ok, noted"

Can't cope with this hatred and coldness some days.
Get the real sense she is doubling down on her narrative of who and what I am, definitely being enabled by this friend.

Had discussed my sitch with a mate last night and he raised how his wife had raised how much time my wife is spending with new friend, my son has raised it too.
Feel like she has actually replaced me with this friend and they are sitting in an echo chamber.

Been absolutely zero lowering of that drawbridge for 2 weeks now.