Been a long time since I have been here. Lot has changed. Can't believe that I'm saying this but I'm doing a lot better since the divorce. Yes, divorce was finalized in December. DB "failed" but letting go has helped me immensely. My relationship with D4 (50/50 custody) is awesome, XW's family and one friend aren't talking to me but that says more about them than me. I have grown my friends group, gone out, and actually just got back from a ski trip with my brother and three of his friends. A year or two I couldn't have done that because XW would have been upset that I was going solo (she would have refused to join since she doesn't like skiing as much).
Challenges remain. It's hard to manage a pretty intense workload on the days that I have D4, and as bad as single moms have it, it feels a little tougher as a single dad - my colleagues/leadership don't understand that I can't make meetings before 8 AM some days and look at me like I'm an alien when I explain. There seems to be more understanding when women in my group with experience similar situations. And managing a house plus everything on my house can be tough. But it's really nice that I "own" all of my life - there's no compromise with the expectation that my XW reciprocates.
So, I guess that this is a story of losing the battle and winning the war. Then again, as Steve85 and others will likely say, this was just one battle and the overall war is still going. I'm still open to R but, frankly, she would have to be willing to make at least half of the changes that I was willing to make. I can't do this unilaterally (sorry to the DB book, if your partner isn't invested at all you can't save it all on your own).
One question: someone recommended a book on dating and I can't seem to find it. Any suggestions? No, not running out there but want to do some research.
So, thanks again to everyone on this board for all of your support. When I joined nine months ago I was desperate to save my marriage. I've learned that I had to save myself before I could save anything else. Maybe this is the end of my marriage journey, or maybe it's just the end of the beginning. Who knows. But I can say that you all helped me at least as much as my weekly therapy.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
DB isn't just about saving your marriage, it is actually a way of saving you. We all come here hoping that by some miracle that DB can reveal the magic key to save our relationships/marriages. Unfortunately, that is not always the case, but we, the LBS, come out the other side much stronger, more independent and learn so much along the way about ourselves and yes, we all have had to learn some really hard things such as detachment, patience and take care of that "itch" to fix things for our spouses if we could.
Think back to when you first arrived here and then look at where you are today...you are a far wiser man who has provided sage advice to others and yes, you rediscovered the man you were pre-crisis. You may not have saved your marriage and been a success story that way...but you are truly a success story in your own right.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Think back to when you first arrived here and then look at where you are today...you are a far wiser man who has provided sage advice to others and yes, you rediscovered the man you were pre-crisis. You may not have saved your marriage and been a success story that way...but you are truly a success story in your own right.
Hey Job, thanks, that's exactly how I'm feeling. I came here scared and desperate, willing to do anything to save my marriage including sacrificing myself. I still don't think that this is the right outcome for D4 but it's far better than the status quo would have been. And who knows what happens next?
Funny side story, the people who bought our old house reached out because I still had mail there. While picking it up I ran into my old neighbors who were simply great people, they and D4 really got along. Anyway, decided to get together with all for dinner. The buyers were just re-married, both previously divorced, and the husband writes books on the impact of divorce on children and how to mitigate it. Got a thumbs up from them regarding my interaction with D4 (she was there) and have new people in my support network.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
