I don't need the quantity of friends she has, but I also can't just sit back and wait for these connections to fall into my lap. I need to work at it. It's not natural for me.
I completely understand this. My family was my life and now that it has completely gone and a new one is being built starting with my daughter and myself. What are you doing to work at it?
Good question.
The future is really unknown for me. For now, I am focusing on my job, exercising 3x/week, and keeping in touch with friends (although most of them do not live locally).
Long-term I think I need to consciously work at building this new life and meeting new friends. My instinct is to spend time by myself because I'm good at that... playing guitar, reading, working out at home. It's probably a matter of just putting myself out there, trying Meetups, etc.
I can see how easy it would be to jump to a serious relationship in these situations.
Originally Posted by rooskers
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Why do I keep giving her updates about the kids? Why do I feel like I need to notify her that one of my family members is visiting?
I believe you want to still be attached with her in any small way. I was wanting to do the same thing at the beginning but realized it was just causing more problems. My feeling is you need to detach on this and start living your life without including your W. That means when you are having visitors or spending time with the children not only do you not need to give her updates but it shouldn't even cross your mind. Just enjoy the time with the people you love and leave it at that. If she reaches out and asks then you can make the decision whether you want to give her the update.
I didn't paint the whole picture here. When we S'd in June, W was very high-strung and asked for these updates when the kids were with me. She hasn't relented much -- when I do reduce the updates, she points it out (in our co-parenting counseling).
At the time, I thought this was a way for us to build trust and possibly work on the MR. It never happened, so I no longer see this as useful.
In fact, I am only playing into my W's irrational fears by giving these updates. She will never get over the fear until she has to deal with it head-on. Just as I have had to confront my fears about my W trying to withhold the kids from me.
More recently, I have thought I should continue these updates until at least we begin mediation. But in the last 2-3 days I have been thinking I should stop them now altogether. My sister wants to visit next month, and I started to worry about W's reaction to this visit, and I realized how my worry was completely unhealthy.
W took the kids to see family over the weekend. We have been allowing each other daily video chats with the kids, but I missed yesterday. It is hard not to talk with the kids, but in ways I feel it will be healthier long-term if we are not intruding in each other's parenting time.
I've been struggling a lot lately worrying about upcoming mediation. Fear and worry dominate. How will W react when she gets a better sense of her financial situation post-D? Will I end up in a court battle for custody? How contentious will things get? Will I be able to handle the stress assertively, or will I agree to things that I later regret just to keep the peace?
I recognize I need to let go of the fear and worry as much as possible.
Beyond the logistics of what's coming up, I am struggling to sort through the wreckage of what's happened. I am okay accepting the grieving process with the loss of the MR. Those feelings come up sometimes, but I can understand them, they make sense. They are not as intense as they used to be.
I don't know if this is the right word choice, but I feel traumatized by the things my W has said about me (and to me) in the last year. I know it is just her own truth and her own reality. But she still said them. I'm trying to work through this in IC.
I feel I'm going to come out of this a much healthier person. Whether or not I can trust somebody again down the road in a relationship will remain to be seen. It's probably something I shouldn't worry about right now. But I hope it doesn't hold me back from embracing the next phase of my life.
Hey U - checking in from on the road. Sorry to hear your anxiety is mounting - are you still meditating? Try to live in the present moment and if things get too complicated, realize that you don't HAVE to do anything. Sometimes doing nothing is also doing something.
Originally Posted by unchien
I recognize I need to let go of the fear and worry as much as possible.
Beyond the logistics of what's coming up, I am struggling to sort through the wreckage of what's happened. I am okay accepting the grieving process with the loss of the MR. Those feelings come up sometimes, but I can understand them, they make sense. They are not as intense as they used to be.
I don't know if this is the right word choice, but I feel traumatized by the things my W has said about me (and to me) in the last year. I know it is just her own truth and her own reality. But she still said them. I'm trying to work through this in IC.
I feel I'm going to come out of this a much healthier person. Whether or not I can trust somebody again down the road in a relationship will remain to be seen. It's probably something I shouldn't worry about right now. But I hope it doesn't hold me back from embracing the next phase of my life.
As you once told me, face your fears. Imagine your worst case scenario.
It never ends up precisely the way you picture it, the scenario is always different. There are too many variables. It's ok to think about things critically and even let your mind go to the worst possible case scenario. But try not to spend too much time dwelling on a scenario that will not play out exactly as you are thinking it might.
Nothing will hold you back if you don't want it to.
Take care, man - stay strong and keep yourself grounded
Hey U - checking in from on the road. Sorry to hear your anxiety is mounting - are you still meditating? Try to live in the present moment and if things get too complicated, realize that you don't HAVE to do anything. Sometimes doing nothing is also doing something.
I have not been regularly meditating, just sporadically.
I have the week off work and went surfing today with a friend. It has been a few months. I am terrible at it, but absolutely love being out in the water, getting exercise, and most importantly, being present in the moment. I wasn't looking forward to the cold water, but every time I go out there, I feel refreshed physically, spiritually and emotionally.
The drive home is about 45 minutes. I decided to try out a new podcast on anxiety and was surprised how much of it clicked for me. The speaker even mentioned that meditation can be incredibly difficult for anxiety sufferers, because our brains want to break free and run wild and not stand still.
There was tons of useful information, but my big takeaway was, whether through meditation or other means, I need to take better care of myself with respect to the anxiety. Some of the tips seemed very useful and natural to implement without much effort.
I have not been regularly meditating, just sporadically.
Same here. And my anxiety has been mounting. When I was meditating twice a day for 5-10 minutes, it was less.
I started taking a supplement called 5HTP. It is supposed to help boost serotonin levels. I've been doing it for a week and I feel more "even." I figured it was worth a shot - it might help you also.
Originally Posted by unchien
I have the week off work and went surfing today with a friend. It has been a few months. I am terrible at it, but absolutely love being out in the water, getting exercise, and most importantly, being present in the moment. I wasn't looking forward to the cold water, but every time I go out there, I feel refreshed physically, spiritually and emotionally.
I agree - love surfing even though I'm horrible at it lol. Being outdoors is very helpful. I took an outdoors job 15 years ago to combat sky-high anxiety from working in human-crammed indoor spaces (and to combat my military PTSD). It has helped me a lot. The pay is much less, but quality of life is much better and I can get away from the crowd as needed.
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The drive home is about 45 minutes. I decided to try out a new podcast on anxiety and was surprised how much of it clicked for me. The speaker even mentioned that meditation can be incredibly difficult for anxiety sufferers, because our brains want to break free and run wild and not stand still.
There was tons of useful information, but my big takeaway was, whether through meditation or other means, I need to take better care of myself with respect to the anxiety. Some of the tips seemed very useful and natural to implement without much effort.
I'm glad you've found an outlet for some of your anxiety. 45 minutes is a good long period to be focused on something else. Sometimes that works better for people - distractions for the mind, keep it occupied thinking about anything else.
Yes, it is very excruciating when you first start meditating. I also have/have had very high anxiety. The first two sessions were brutal. After the third I began to like it, then after two weeks it started to become a habit and my body got used to the "calming down". I don't know why I stopped - I have to start back up again. That insight Timer app is awesome.
I've let my brain run amok with thoughts sometimes, but I make it a point to observe it like an outsider - just to see how ridiculous some of the thoughts can be and where they can spiral off. When it gets too out of hand I imagine a giant red stop sign. This has become a habit too - my mind seems to respect the stop sign, most of the time anyway.
When I do meditate regularly, I use one of the paid apps which I get free through work.
I do see the benefits when I am consistent with it. I have never been consistent on days I have the kids. I am never awake before them (opportunity #1) and at night, well, there is no excuse other than I am not prioritizing it.
Sometimes I will take a 10 minute break at work, pop in some headphones, and go find a quiet place to meditate. That works great on slow days, sometimes it's not possible.
I find it hard to commit to daily meditation. Some days it feels amazing, other days it feels frustrating and useless. I know where I want to be (in command of my anxiety, rather than the other way around). There are a billion strategies and techniques out there to investigate. Anxiety is not going to help me in my current situation, and it also won't help me in my life.
One piece of advice from yesterday that really stuck with me was to take the few minutes at the beginning and end of your day, and focus on taking care of your self. Rather than immediately jumping to tasks, or your phone, or the TV. I find I often have strange dreams/nightmares that stick with me long after I wake up, so maybe taking a few minutes to process things and get back to reality will help.
I took 5HTP as a netraceutical when I first got married for my anxiety and ADD. It does help. Its like tryptophan (gobble gobble) but it made my stomach feel a little funny. So I stopped taking it. Try it though, or St Johns Wort, or Melatonin. It may calm you down.
I also started taking L-Theanine supplements (an amino acid found in green tea) recently for anxiety and I want to shout from the rooftops about it. It has made an enormous difference for me, in terms of acute anxiety, as well as general calm/even feeling and even improved sleep. I don’t know why people aren’t talking about it more, because it’s a miracle as far as I’m concerned.
