Yeah I have to remember she's not as in control of her emotions as she makes out. She's a master at portraying her strength and has a lifetime habit of convincing others to go along with her thinking.
J, I can't stress this enough, you're in the long game. I think you're still hoping that if you do this and that it'll trigger some change in her and things will go back to the way they were. But that's not going to happen. If you can do 180's, and stick to them, and focus on you and the kids, and leave your W alone, then that is your best chance to affect some change in her way down the road (6 months, a year, maybe more). But you can't rub her face in it, like contacting her to tell her that her friends said hello. I think if you're honest with yourself you're wanting to tell her "look at me, I'm GAL'ing!" But for now, she just doesn't care. She doesn't love you, and she probably doesn't like you. All your actions just look like sad, pathetic tricks to get her back. She knows you're faking it right now, she can read you like a book. Stop putting on a show for her.
Here's the trick to GAL'ing- it's not initially fun and exciting. You'll HATE it. You're hurting, and you want to curl up in a ball somewhere and be miserable. Don't pretend to be out having a good time when you're not. It's OK to be down and hurting! You don't have to hide it from everyone all the time. Just don't blatantly bawl in front of people or pour your heart out (unless it's here). Try to act as-if, but don't try to act like you don't care. Right? Just MAKE yourself GAL. Go through the motions. Keep doing it and eventually you'll start liking your GAL, and think less about your W. Then you'll start loving it, and you will start putting your sitch behind you. That is how it works- slowly over time. And that is how it will impact your W- slowly over time. There are no magic bullets here or anywhere else on the Internet for this. Progress is measured in tiny baby steps that over time may add up to something bigger.
I think I mentioned before that it was silly to agree not to talk to mutual friends or even "her" friends. This is your life and your GAL, live it. It's going to intersect with her life now and then, if she doesn't like that then that is TOUGH SH** for her. She needs to suck it up, because you're a force to be reckoned with, and you're not going to tuck tail and run just because one of her friends walked into the same room, are you.
Thanks AS I needed to hear that I think there has definitely been some desperation to go out and show I can make friends and have a social life too. And yes definitely wanted her to know about it.
Some of this stems from realizations of just how withdrawn and isolated I had become over the past few years.
But I need to slow down and take care of myself and my kids first. Work on myself emotionally and mentally and stop blowing in the wind.
I strongly second everything AnotherStander said in his last post. You can do this!
re: Alcohol, I was surprised when you mentioned drinking this weekend. You say you were drinking and a bit out-of-control when you spoke to her new best friend. You started this thread by saying:
Originally Posted by "JDevast initially"
i was a chronic alcoholic for the 1st 9 years of our relationship until my wife sought help and identified me as an emotional abuser.
Originally Posted by "JDevast this weekend"
I messed up last night, had a drink too many and should have stayed completely clear of her friend. I'm not in control when I've had a few
What are your 180s related to alcohol? Are you regularly attending Alcoholics Anonymous and/or completing a treatment plan? People serious about taking control of their lives back from alcohol rarely rely on willpower. Alcoholism is an addiction. It's also hard to imagine that the choice to drink alcohol has been "worth it" in your life--that it's done something so positive that outweighs the above negatives.
Limitations afford us growth opportunities, visible 180s that can improve our lives measurably.
Hi Cwarrior. Alcohol was certainly an issue for me, prior to our first break up I was avoiding coming home straight after work and stopping by the pub with friends for a couple every night. Always home by 8 but a terrible habit.
When my wife confronted me on this 4 years ago I went straight into AA and counselling to address underlying causes. Stopped drinking overnight and didn't touch anything for 3 years.
When we relocated, I was out with my wife and she asked me if I felt I could have a drink with her, I agreed to one, and felt I was now in control. Over the last 18months I have had a beer or 2 maybe once every 6 weeks, everything seemingly under control.
Conversely my wife had several heavy nights out of drink and drugs And eventually decided to quit completely
That is until her recent mindset over the last 7 months were she has increasingly been full on on the party scene again.
Our early relationship was pretty much all about the party scene, drinks and drugs And on some level I have been wanting to compete with her. Show her I can go out and have fun too.
Pretty childish I know.
Biggest visible 180s I could do are quit smoking and address booze.
I've struggled with drinking, too. 3-4 nights this past year I got drunk--and felt embarrassed the next day. This last happened two weeks ago. Reconciling doesn't magically fix all life's problems! Apparently, 26.4% of US adults drank heavilythis past month, and I wasn't even alone that night two weeks ago.
What I did differently this time was I decided not to beat myself up. I had a fun and productive day after. Further, I weighed the pros and cons of drinking and dumped my liquor cabinet. My life-enrichening experiences with alcohol usually involved exotic places or fine beers or wines, not that cabinet.
Keeping it real. Minimal beating myself up. Minimal willpower.
People who have a more troublesome relationship with alcohol may need to quit entirely. My partner quickly noticed, but it'll likely be months before she decides whether the changes are permanent or not.
I think it's good you're going to 180 on the smoking and drinking.
Cold turkey can be hard but often the best way to overcome something. For me it was porn addiction that harmed my R and M. I went cold turkey and started IC simultaneously. I remember 2 months or so in, my W asked, "So you've not had any relapses?" And I could honestly say "Nope." very confidently. She looked rather annoyed! Now 6 months later I'm 'free' of it. Doesn't really enter my head, because over time I've identified and found things to replace it with; good positive things that help with overall self-esteem and PMA.
I think if you 180 on a few major things, and consistently keep that up, it'll get noticed by lots of people. Don't do it just to get W's attention. Do it to better yourself, and then other friends will notice first. It'll be gradual ("Hey, you are looking very well these days") and then it'll eventually snowball.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Did some detachment reading last night, a letting go meditation and a detaching sleep hypnosis. Ending up waking at 3am with severe anxiety. Hoping it was just feelings coming to the fore.
But had her on my mind and everything I ever did wrong all morning.
Accept that detachment is a process, just kinda shook me up. Reminding myself to be kind to myself.
Forced it, but eating well today, that's a change. Need to keep it up.
Messages from wife this morning, showing me s12 term reports, he is struggling a bit, but Agreed he was doing pretty well considering everything he's going through this term.
Stated I would contact his mentor today to arrange a meeting.
Wife: if we are having Xmas lunch out somewhere together we should book somewhere soon. Me: I will look at options today.
Then a stream of work messages from her about how many orders she will be doing, how busy she is, what orders I'm doing. Didn't respond to most, just the essentials and kept it brief.
I then get a call from energy provider for the family house (account is in my name) Notifying me they had a request to switch to another provider and they would be objecting due to outstanding debt. Notified I no longer lived there, to remove my name and speak directly to my wife.
Messaged her to notify her.
Her: we can get a much cheaper deal with xyz. And pay off debt.
Me: I'm good with you making any switches. I've notified them I'm no longer named on the account.
Sounds like a productive day—reading up on detachment, meditations, talking about the kids grades and initiating your own action plan without seeking her approval, Xmas lunch plans, keeping the work texts brief. Days like this show her you two are capable of working together on matters related to children and business.
I’d still aim for yet more conciseness. A minor nitpick—
Originally Posted by Jdevast
Her: we can get a much cheaper deal with xyz. And pay off debt.
Me: I'm good with you making any switches. I've notified them I'm no longer named on the account
Your two statements are at odds. The first approves her change, implying you’re in control. The second states she’s in control. I don’t know what you two agreed two on this, where the truth lies especially when debt is involved.
