Do I actually say to her I know how hard this all is and appreciate you trying to organise?
No! a. She didn't say dictating these terms to you was hard for her--are you projecting? She has to express something for you to listen/validate. She did express she didn't want to spend Christmas with you and you did a good job showing you heard her. b. Why would you tell her you appreciate her "trying to organize" (dictating custody to you)--do you actually enjoy this behavior and want it to continue?
Urge to say " every time I don't do exactly what you want, you feel I am being controlling"
You control you. She controls her. If that's how she wants to behave, she's free to. Telling her you wish she behaved differently would only make sense if she'd expressed an interest in altering her behavior for you--which tends to happen if/when you reconcile. If you're annoyed by her, tell us, tell your IC, tell your friends. Sharing that she annoys you is unlikely to resurrect your relationship or improve your co-parenting.
Originally Posted by JDevast
My concern is that any time I say no to her or try and be assertive she accuses or perceives that I am being controlling.
When my partner and I were on the rocks, I found the clearer and less "mushy" our boundaries, the faster claims about controlling each other vanished. If she said, "I want to walk faster, you're controlling how fast *WE* walk," walking 15% faster when she wanted to walk 30% faster still left her annoyed. What helped in the long run (if not in the moment) was not speeding up and clarifying that "I'm controlling how fast *I* walk. *YOU* are free to walk faster or slower." Asserting your right to make your own decisions = not controlling. Telling others to behave differently = controlling. Once she recognized this, she appreciated my speeding up 15%.
Her: kids have said they want to wake up Xmas morning here
Steve and CW gave you great advise.
I would use this to get your holiday exceptions in place. I would switch the communication from Txt to Email.
Draft up email here. Get feedback from us. Draft up next draft...repeat until you have the final version. Sit on it for a day. Send her the email. Text her "Sent you an email"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: your proposals for Christmas I've had some time to think about it and as kids are scheduled to be with me that week I feel it is better that we keep to that arrangement with the children sleeping at mine but with the exception that they see you on Christmas eve, Christmas lunch and a walk on boxing day.
That way they get to see both of us and can open presents at both. I think we should also share details of any Christmas activities that we would like to take them to while they are off school and we can agree which activities we will go to.
Re: your request for New year's, I do have plans and would like to keep my invite I'm aware that you had also entered into the cosi app dates for the 15th and 16th of December? If your plans stand on those days I am happy to have the kids then.
We can then ensure the schedule alternates for next year.
Regards J
(While I'm writing this draft I get another request via the co parenting app for New year's. Its clear to me her GALavanting and going out comes as a priority)
Welcome all and advice or input, finding it quite a struggle to just be assertive and hold my ground (Maybe to be seen as a 180 for me lol)
JD, it really irks me the way your W tries to control and manipulate you! She comes at you making demands and trying to convince you the kids are on board with her plans, it's just aggravating. You are certainly not obligated to stray from the separation agreement, I would flat-out tell her that she is being disrespectful towards you and if she wants to negotiate visitation with the kids during your time that she needs to approach you in a more respectful manner or you would prefer to leave everything as-is. She's being ridiculous and it's time to put her in her place.
So the current agreement agreed between us (that she proposed btw) is a week with her, a week with me, exchange happens on Friday at school pick up. No thanksgiving in the UK.
Worth mentioning I sent a co parenting plan proposal over a week ago, with no response other than she needs to get advice. She proposed a co parenting schedule app where we can put in kids appointments etc and request exceptions.
She has dictated every move so far, has always been the driver in big decisions and I have been passive and placated her. Obviously this led to passive aggressive behaviour on my part. Her losing respect, becoming more dominant and accusing me of being controlling whenever she didn't get her way.
It's incredibly frustrating, I do love her deeply. But yeah crazy making
I fully expect any attempt on my part to be assertive or maintain some self respect to be met with a tornado spewed at me.
