Actually nothing has been agreed other than I take my name's off the bills at the house, Initially we were going to sit down and go through them together until the last few weeks where she is completely walls up, distrustful and behaves like I am a threat to her.
Plenty of messages from her about Xmas lunch this evening.
Told her everywhere is pretty booked up, one spot at a carvery, Łxyz a head.
Her: what! I'm not paying that for a carvery!
I made a joke: " but includes complimentary crackers"
Her: I guess we would be paying for people to work Xmas day.
Me: yes, double time at least.
No further responses, not sure I should have made a joke or not in this situation.
Going to wait for her to come back to me.
Personally I just wish we could find a way to have Xmas lunch together with the kids. Pretty sure she's not having that though.
More anxiety last night, nearly every night now at 3am. Have to turn to sleep hypnosis or meditations to clear her from my mind.
One major valid point I don't think I mentioned in original post. Back during early days of BD after I shared with my wife my depression and close call with suicidal thoughts,
she initially was supportive until going to speak to her friends/ enablers and then in a rage accusing me of emotional abuse. At that time I broke down, would have down anything to placate her.
I contacted an emotional abuse perpetrators programme and they offered me a place on a course in London. There has been a waiting list for self referrals as their priorities are court referrals.
I don't accept all my wife's claims of emotional abuse especially not the intimacy issues being a way of controlling her but I am open to exploring any controlling behaviours or mindsets I do have so I can work on them and better myself.
Last night she messaged out of the blue. Her: can I just ask why you attended programme in London and not anywhere closer? Me: I was advised they were the closest providers Her: ok
No contact since a day later. Not sure what to make of it.
Due to both attend son's school meeting today, strangely no contact from her to confirm , so I will attend regardless.
Met at the school with wife and s12. Off the bat could tell she was uncomfortable, I was friendly without over doing it, said hi and she actually acknowledged it. Kept focused on Pma with s12, while we sat and waited to meet his mentor, she made a point of getting up and looking at bumf on the walls. Meeting with mentor went really well.
Positive feedback for son and we were both able to engage with son and mentor in a positive way.
Both expressed our pride in him.
I offered lunch to celebrate son's progress.
She agreed, and offered to drive and drive me back to the school after to pick up my bike.
Although she declined my offer to pay for her lunch
Lunch went pretty well, without reading too much into it, we were both able to be on the same page with Son,
Able to have an amicable discussion about business and she engaged with me and was able to look me in the eyes several times without it feeling awkward.
Again, carefull not to read too much into it, but feel I was able to maintain a Pma without any pressure, pursuing or mention of us.
She drove me back to get my bike, said bye to my son and that was that.
Weirdly did overtake them afterwards on my bike, seemed to tickle my son.
JDevast, it's fantastic you're serious about attending a program to help people who have been emotionally abusive in the past and want to ensure they never are again. I recall in the initial thread you mentioned that and alcohol had been a problem, and you're working hard now to avoid problems with either. I think you're right--attending voluntarily would be rare. This could be a game-changer for your future and show your wife and her support group how serious you are about being the best husband possible, no?
I bet it's been frustrating your wife's been quick to accuse you of abuse even when it's not so. I'm glad you got a nice respite with yesterday's lunch, and that she's asking about your treatment program.
i was a chronic alcoholic for the 1st 9 years of our relationship until my wife sought help and identified me as an emotional abuser.this was devastating for me to acknowledge but I accept it as true and caused her great suffering and neglect.
I mean, I hope you accepted this narrative as true because it was true. I hope you've not been agreeing for years that you were emotionally abusive just to appease her. If there has been truth behind this claim, being one of the few to actually seek treatment and complete a program would be brilliant. If DB is all about making 180s to improve our lives, this would be one heck of a change to follow-through on!
I do accept that many of my behaviours have been coercive, controlling, neglectful and very damaging and regardless of my intentions abusive to my wife.
I do struggle with accepting that my issues with intimacy with her were all due to me withholding to control her. That doesn't minimise the harm done. But at some point I want to make that clear or discuss it.
I'm completely open to addressing this in any way possible.
I would be lying if I said some part of me didn't want to demonstrate a desire to change to my wife , as of now I still hold out hope of reconciliation in the future.
But it is equally about wanting to be a better man, building self esteem and confidence and losing the fear and emotional dependency that has underpinned my life to date.
This is for me, my kids and any future relationship
Her: kids have said they want to wake up Xmas morning here, Its your week so you will see them Xmas eve day and I will pick them up Xmas eve day and drop them at yours Xmas day for lunch. I would also like to see them boxing day for a walk.
I think that would be best so they can open presents at both houses. I would also like to go out new years eve, but it's my week with kids if you had plans? We can check with each other re presents so we don't double up
Gave it 10mins Me: if I can have some time to think about it all, and best way to do all this Re: presents, Yes, we can do the same as s12 birthday.
Her: I Don't want to eat either at mine or yours, kids don't care about lunch. I don't want to spend Xmas with you and won't change my mind.
Me: I understand you don't want to spend Christmas with me , it's about time spent with them.
5min pause
Her: you are getting to see them more than me over Christmas as it's your week, if they want to be with you that's fine, I'll have them for lunch, whatever they want I'm fine with.
Me: and me, just want to ensure it's fair on everyone
Her: half and half is fair. I'm just trying to organise everything.
Haven't replied yet, this is tough, on the one hand I feel she is dictating On the other I don't know how to handle this 1st Xmas, one of us is going to miss out on kids going to sleep Xmas eve and waking up Xmas morning.
The kids come 1st, but they have been changing their minds depending on whom they are with.
If I suggest she has them am I being the bigger man or placating.
First, don't believe for a second that the kids said what she says they said. At best she probably led them. "Wouldn't you guys like to wake up here Christmas morning?" Are they supposed to say no.
"I've thought about it, and I believe we should stick to the weeks as they are. After they open gifts here, you can pick them up for a few hours to spend with them on Christmas day. Same with Boxing day. As far as NYE, I have plans, but if I get a chance to spend it with my kids I'll prioritize them over my plans. What time will you be dropping then off NYE? And what time will you be picking them up NY day?"
This is probably too wordy, but the message is twofold. "Tough. This is the way this stuff works." and "You're asking for changes to the schedule so you have to do the legwork and get what I allow."
That's my advice.
Last edited by Steve85; 11/21/1904:54 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If I suggest she has them am I being the bigger man or placating.
Hi JDevast, you seem to have replied again before figuring out what you want, within 10 minutes of her sending you a proposal she seems to have put thought into. For comparison--
I averaged 1hr, 23 minutes to respond to texts from the woman I love. (I answered calls.) I averaged 1-2 days to respond to my ex-wife this past week.
Originally Posted by JDevast
Me: if I can have some time to think about it all, and best way to do all this
"If"?! Are you really asking IF you can have time to think about it?
Option #1 - It's a text. Think about it, then reply. Option #2 - "I'll think about it and get back to you by Friday."
Originally Posted by JDevast
Her: I Don't want to eat either at mine or yours, kids don't care about lunch. I don't want to spend Xmas with you and won't change my mind.
Me: I understand you don't want to spend Christmas with me
This is a good response. You showed you were listening.
Originally Posted by JDevast
, it's about time spent with them.
It's not clear what your point is. Are you trying to persuade her to go to lunch "for the kids"?
Originally Posted by JDevast
Me: and me, just want to ensure it's fair on everyone
Again, it's not clear what your point is. There are a zillion different ways to measure fairness.
Originally Posted by JDevast
The kids come 1st, but they have been changing their minds depending on whom they are with.
The kids' enjoyment of Xmas will likely not be markedly affected by which parent negotiates a better deal.
Originally Posted by JDevast
If I suggest she has them am I being the bigger man or placating.
Easy--placating. You didn't successfully negotiate the better holiday time-slot and then offer it to her anyway, she again dictated to you that she will be taking the better holiday time-slot.
