Shame and devastation 3

[Traveler]

"I think we should also share details of any Christmas activities that we would like to take them to" is problematic--you shouldn't (lol) be telling her what she should do. You control you, she controls her. If you feel like sharing a couple of the Christmas activities you're taking them to, you're free to do so.

I also agree with shorter and simpler. My holiday agreement for the whole year takes 1/3rd page.

[Ready2Change]

So the current agreement agreed between us (that she proposed btw) is a week with her, a week with me, exchange happens on Friday at school pick up.

Same as me. Summers we have exchange time at 6p. We have a drop off agreement. IE whoever has the kids is responsible for dropping them off at the other parents house at the exchange time. Works great. No waiting around at the exes house because the kids are not ready.

She proposed a co parenting schedule app where we can put in kids appointments etc and request exceptions.

I would strongly consider that. One drawback Is X may try to schedule activities on "Your time". All my exceptions are done via email. X and I have separate scheduling apps.

I fully expect any attempt on my part to be assertive or maintain some self respect to be met with a tornado spewed at me.

Let her spew. That is where AS gave you great advise.

[Ready2Change]

Things do start getting confusing. Normally around thanksgiving, I have to clarify like this:

This is my understanding of this years exceptions:

20th 6pm. Normal exchange.
23rd 6pm I drop the kids off at your house. They spend XMAS-even with you.
24th 6pm You drop kids off at my house. They spend Xmas day with me.
25th 6pm I drop kids off at your house. They spend boxing day with you.
26th 6pm You drop kids off
27th 6pm. normal exchange.


Try to nail down a specific exchange time. Try to minimize # of exchanges.

[Jdevast]

Thanks for the input.
Should I keep opening sentence as is, want to make it clear

[Ready2Change]

We all have different styles. When dealing with my X, I focus on making it concise.

Re: your proposals for Christmas


I've had some time to think about it and as kids are scheduled to be with me that week


Subject: Holidays


Hi W,

I believe it is important that the kids spend equal time with each of us during the holidays. I also feel it is best if we alternate each year.

Here is what I propose:

You spend Xmas eve with the kids. I drop them off the night before at 6pm. You drop them back at my house 6pm.
I spend Xmas day with the kids.
We can split Boxing day in half. They spend the morning with me and I drop them at your house at 1pm and they spend the evening with you. You drop them back at my house at 6pm.

As far as NYE, you drop the kids off at my house at 6pm and I will drop them back at your house at 6pm nYday.



Does that work for you? If not, let me know your thoughts.

If I don't hear back from you by (give her two days to responds), I will plan on following the normal parenting schedule.

Regards
J

[Jdevast]

Thanks r2c

I'll draft something tmrw and post with a view to sending Sat.

Going through a gamut of emotions, know I control me she controls her.
Just finding this tough to even be assertive through fear of conflict.

Know at the same time if I'd been more confident and assertive, less emotionally dependent we wouldn't be here.

Some level of acceptance happening, she was unhappy, grass was greener, she has to walk her own path.

Hurts but I have to lighthouse it.

[Ready2Change]

Going through a gamut of emotions

Some of this triggers my emotions (10 years later). Much easier for us to give logical ideas because we are not tied to it emotionally.

I channel my anger into productive actions.


This was one of the better tools I used to get W to at least respond:
If I don't hear back from you by (give her two days to responds), I will plan on following the normal parenting schedule.

I had to negotiate a mothers day father day agreement. Boundaries work.

[Traveler]

Just finding this tough to even be assertive through fear of conflict.

"Good fences make good neighbors." Asserting your boundaries, and respecting hers, is the potential way out of this recurring conflict. The murkier the borders, the more conflict you're both in for.

Building the wall in the first place, of course, is unpleasant.

[Side note--Robert Frost's "Mending Wall" is credited with this line, but his poem actually disagrees with the concept--at least when neighbors have no basis for potential dispute, the walls simply separate us.]

I love Ready2Change's line in the sand, and that it's at the end after a reasonable proposal instead of the beginning: "If I don't hear back from you by (give her two days to responds), I will plan on following the normal parenting schedule." That you already have an agreed-upon schedule, that gives you the whole week, and you both need to approve exceptions is a strong position and should allow you room to negotiate a deal for this year and future years that gives you both access to the kids without too many exchanges.

In my custody agreement, one of us has Xmas Eve and Morning, the other has Xmas Day and the week after for a winter vacation. A single exchange, and both get to enjoy holiday magic with the kids!

[Jdevast]

2nd draft

Re: Christmas

As the kids are scheduled with me Christmas week I propose the following changes

Christmas eve: spend 1-6 with you returning to me for the evening

Christmas day: with me until pick up to go to yours for lunch 1pm and stay night

Boxing day: return to mine 1pm

With the reverse happening next year

With regard to NYE , I do have plans and would like to keep my invitation

There are 2 more dates you have entered in the cosi app for 15th and 16th December, if your plans still stand I am happy to have the kids on those dates.

Does this work for you?

Regards
J


Is that any better?

Today's seemed really tough emotionally, a lot of work related messages from her more than 30 through the day
And all generally friendly while being focused on work, I've stayed brief and positive in responses

Then I attended first counselling session this afternoon, I just offloaded everything but felt good to get everything off my chest, will see how it goes but felt emotionally raw afterwards.

Returned to work and messages start up again about kids prior to exchange for them to come to mine.
Pick my daughter up from school and go food shopping with agreement I would message when home so wife could drop son and their belongings off.
I'm maybe 20mins longer than I planned, stream of messages and 3 missed calls asking if everything is ok?

I ignored and messaged when I got back as planned.
Then when she drops off it's back to no eye contact and her being on edge again, not wanting to enter flat until I say it's ok to go say bye to d6.
She leaves, within 30 mins there's friendlyish messages and thumbs up emojis about some play dates and a few forgotton items.

Almost overly friendly and accommodating, know she will be going out and hitting the town tonight and tmrw.
Just usual uncertainty and rollercoaster, reacting to stuff outside my control and trying to make sense of things that are senseless.

[Ready2Change]

2nd draft

Re: Christmas

As the kids are scheduled with me Christmas week I propose the following changes

Christmas eve: spend 1-6 with you returning to me for the evening

Christmas day: with me until pick up to go to yours for lunch 1pm and stay night

Boxing day: return to mine 1pm

With the reverse happening next year

With regard to NYE , I do have plans and would like to keep my invitation

There are 2 more dates you have entered in the cosi app for 15th and 16th December, if your plans still stand I am happy to have the kids on those dates.

Does this work for you?

Regards
J

I believe the strike outs are un-needed. Focus on the exact times so there is no confusion.