Slow and Steady

[Jac12]

Thanks AS.

[Jac12]

Update:

Today is our 5th Anniversary and I returned home yesterday from Florida. My W texted me yesterday asking if she could see our S today and hang out for the day. I said she could pick him up from daycare early and spend the day as I wasn't sure if she meant hang out with me too or just our S.

This morning she asked again what my plans were and if I'd be around today. I simply said "Yes, I'll be around for the day".

She picked him up near 4pm and asked me if I wanted to join them at a PlayFit. I decided to go. We talked a bit there and she started tearing up about something so I said: " I see you're sad, why don't we talk about this later if you still want to".

We all came back to the house and had dinner prepped so she stayed and ate with us. She initiated some talks about her finding a job. She asked my opinion on a bunch of things. I gave my opinion when asked and tried not to otherwise.

She also said she didn't want to come back to me just because it makes sense financially. She wants to give herself some time to think about things and work on herself so she can be sure she's coming back for the right reasons (if she does of course). I just validated and listened. She also said we were invited to a cottage her brother rented this wknd and she was going to ask me but she knew I had plans to take S to a Santa parade tomorrow.

She also said she's more aware of her mental health and making sure she's in a good state. She does plan on following through to see a psychiatrist but she is really concerned about going on medication. She feels her old job also contributed to poor mental health. Wants to talk to someone about everything that has gone on and where she's at now to help her through this period.

I did say a couple things - notably that I've learned a lot during this time too and as difficult as this has been I feel like I'm in a better spot to be a better partner. I didn't tell her I loved her but I did say I thing we can work through things and I'd support her with her mental health 100% if she needed me.

When she left she said: "The date today (our anniversary) is not lost on me". She then started crying and came back for a second hug. "I said it's not lost on me either but at least we had dinner" and that broke the tension a bit.

Anyways - I'm not sure what to make of everything although she at least recognizes that she's getting back to her old self again (she said that too) but is still cautious.

I don't know where this is going to go but I think I'll be ok either way. Of course I'm hoping we can work things out but I'm not going to let my hopes rest on her.

It's been nearly 12 months since BD and it's been a long road just as all the vets said. It looks like if R is to happen it's going to be an even longer road too.

For now:

1) Patience
2) Enjoy my time with Son
3) Continue to make my own personal improvements
4) Give space and GAL.

[Jac12]

To follow on my previous post:

I ended up spending the day today with my W and son...Sunday is her day to spend with him but she invited me along and based on our previous chat I decided to enjoy the day with no expectations.

We had a very nice day but we did chat while my son took his nap.

She finally apologized for her behaviour last December/January and for making my feel insecure about our relationship (she was going out friday nights with guys from work until 2am). She said at that point she just didn't care about anything. She was crying as she told me this and she felt really sad for how I must have felt and for putting me through that. I just listened as best I could.

She also talked about losing her dad and how that affected her. Again, started crying. Said she still doens't think she has processed his death and she became so good at holding everything in. Also said that it did affect her and her feelings about everything and it was like that since he was diagnosed.

Also talked about what she has learned - she said she needs to learn to communicate better and she wished she would have told me much earlier that she wasnt' feeling good about things in her life in general. She does admit she needs help counseling to sort through all her feelings.

We didn't talk about the future at all - she knows how I feel. But she did talk about her living situation as her lease is up at the end of January. She said her life is still a mess and she has lots to sort out before making a decision. She said she wanted to leave it at that.

I hugged her and thanked her for opening up. She seemed to really appreciate me listening to her and not judging her. She's actually distanced herself from her brother right now as she felt judged by him and that's one of her big things in life that she hates.

It seems at this point she still needs time to sort through her mess but it's nice to see she's feeling better in general and she's made the odd comment about the future but I don't read anything into it.

Her priorities right now are (not in order):
1) exercise
2) deal with the loss of her dad in counseling
3) see a psychiatrist
4) eat better

Any thoughts are appreciated.

[LH19]

J,

Could be headed in the right direction. I wouldn’t accept every offer to spend time with her. I also think you make her think you may not necessarily be waiting for you.

Whatever you do make sure you don’t pursue.

[Jac12]

Gotcha - I've read enough to know that by now but damn it is tough. I'm trying to just be supportive and accepting of the time she needs while working on myself in the meantime. I can see she's still a mess and that makes it easier in a way.

[AnotherStander]

Jac, I've seen a lot of sitches play out here and the sitches that recon do follow a path like the one that you're on. I'd say your chances are very good that she's going to want to recon at some point. It's very important for you to be patient, keep giving her time and space, and keep GAL'ing and being the lighthouse. What I am seeing from you is that you are not breaking into full-blown pursuit so good job, because that would send her running! Keep it up, you're doing great. She's starting to come out of the fog but she may have months of personal work ahead before she sorts out what she wants as far as an R with you.

Always be mindful that you cannot fix her. Your job is to listen and validate, that's it. Don't make counseling recommendations or medication suggestions or anything like that. "I don't think I can go on medication!" Bad response- "Oh but it can really help, lots of people take A/D's and have no issues." Good response- "It sounds like you have fears about going on A/D's, is that how you feel?" Help her navigate her feelings.

[Jac12]

Thanks AS. It's all so interesting how it plays out. The timelines, the scripts, the fog...I can see that she has lots of personal work to do still and even though I've always thought there were some inner issues she needed to deal with I didn't really expect that we'd have a chance of getting things back. Now I can see that the chance is greater and I need to be careful not to get my expectations up and jump in too fast.

The other thing I've noticed in our discussions is that the only thing that was going to help early in our sitch was for me to give her space and GAL. So for any newbies here as tough as it is you have to be strong enough to let go as soon as you get that BD and let them figure it out for themselves. Everything I did from months 0-6 had no effect on her whatsoever bc she didn't care about anything.

Anyways, she sent me a nice text this morning wishing me well in a meeting I had. Another new thing that hasn't happened in months.

[Jac12]

Quick Question:

Before my trip Oct 31-Nov 14 we had agreed to meet with our lawyers. I didn't hear anything back from her L until I reached out to my L today. Her L confirmed the date on Nov 7th but my L forgot to tell me. After I got back, as noted above, my W has been more open and seems to be more on the fence again as it relates to divorce.

So...I called my W today and told her I just heard back from my L about the date being scheduled. I said "is this what you want to do? Based on the last few days and what we've discussed I wasn't sure if this still makes sense at this moment".

Her response: "Yeah my L reached out when I was away and I was just like ok I guess that date works. But I've noticed that my feelings are changing and I'm feeling more like myself and although I don't want you to be hopeful I don't think right now is the best time to do this as it seems so final.I feel like I need more time to sort through my feelings and work on myself".

Any thoughts or advice on this?

I do agree with her and it's what I was thinking too. Should I be concerned that she doesn't want me to be hopeful or does that just make sense given what's happened?

[LH19]

GAL like a madman and do not pursue and only accept some invites.

[Jac12]

Update:

I had made the decision that this would be the wknd I go into full toilet training mode for my son. When I told my W the plan and that she would have to be on board with it for her day (sunday) she just kind of expected she'd come and help for all three days. I said that sounds like a plan.

So when she came today she brought her overnight bag and put it in the spare bedroom. Her plan was to crash here tonight (she's at a friends bday party tomorrow night) as it's just easier.

After her nap in the afternoon I told her that I didn't think her staying over was the best idea. I said if she wanted to hang out a bit after he goes to bed I'd be good with that but I thought it was better for my mentality that she didn't stay here until she wanted to stay with me in our bedroom. She respected and understood where I was coming from but I think she was surprised to hear me say that.

Then I said: "If you want to spend some time after our son goes to bed I'd be happy to do that"
W: " Well I'm not sure I want to anymore" (with a laugh)
Me: "Yeah I kind of figured it might put a dent in it, and that's fine but I just think it's better right now this way"
W: "Yeah, I get it. It's no problem."

So then after we put S to bed she came downstairs and I asked her if she was going to stay for a bit. Her response "no I'm going to get going and get a good sleep".

It makes me feel like she may not be coming around as I thought...but maybe she's just upset that I didn't let her stay. I don't know but it would sure feel nice if she decided she wanted to spend time with just me.