When I do meditate regularly, I use one of the paid apps which I get free through work.
I do see the benefits when I am consistent with it. I have never been consistent on days I have the kids. I am never awake before them (opportunity #1) and at night, well, there is no excuse other than I am not prioritizing it.
Sometimes I will take a 10 minute break at work, pop in some headphones, and go find a quiet place to meditate. That works great on slow days, sometimes it's not possible.
I find it hard to commit to daily meditation. Some days it feels amazing, other days it feels frustrating and useless. I know where I want to be (in command of my anxiety, rather than the other way around). There are a billion strategies and techniques out there to investigate. Anxiety is not going to help me in my current situation, and it also won't help me in my life.
One piece of advice from yesterday that really stuck with me was to take the few minutes at the beginning and end of your day, and focus on taking care of your self. Rather than immediately jumping to tasks, or your phone, or the TV. I find I often have strange dreams/nightmares that stick with me long after I wake up, so maybe taking a few minutes to process things and get back to reality will help.
IW - I'll check out 5HTP. Thanks for the tip.
Hey U - yeah it's hard to break in a new habit, especially something that forces you to slow down. Our lives are so busy these days, focusing on yourself and taking time for yourself during a packed work day seems like a daunting task.
That 4 breaths "break" helps a ton. I do that all the time when the spiralling thoughts start. it is a version of what you are talking about - taking time at the beginning and end of the day for yourself. If it works for you and calms you down, great!
I paid for the meditation app - it was not expensive at all for access to a ton of content. (My favorite meditation teacher so far on Insight Timer is Sara Blondin. I haven't gone a lot of the app yet, but so far her guided meditations have proven very effective.)
Green tea is really good. I have taken St John's Wort too, but I am finding 5HTP to be more effective. I've also been taking B supplements to boost my energy. That helps a lot - especially on days where I am flat out emotionally and physically burnt. I got the chewable gummies though - so it's more an enjoyable experience.
Interesting to see what works for different people
Thanks IW. I do make sure to take little mini-breaks every day as needed - a few deep breaths, go for a walk. There was a period where I was dedicating 10 minutes per day to seated meditation. I think meditation works great provided my anxiety is not running up at an 8 or 9 level.
The lead-up to Thanksgiving (and Christmas to follow), plus mediation coming up, had me really stirred up. I have this full week off work and I think the time off is helping me get back to equilibrium.
One insight about my anxiety in particular has struck me the last couple days. I spend ALOT of time thinking about things that are not actually in the present. I've been consciously trying to bring myself back to the present moment, focusing on just that moment and the "next thing." Now that I have been paying more attention to my mind wandering, I realize how often I have been spending worrying about mediation, my future, the kids, Christmas, family, work, where I'm going to live, friends, vacations, retirement, the list goes on and on. Even though sometimes those thoughts don't feel particularly stressful, they are completely distracting me from living my life.
I also think it's easy for my phone to become an escape. Stressed out? Check IG for a few minutes... It's okay in small doses, but if I'm going to overcome some of these patterns I need to make a conscious effort to change.
So during this break I'm trying to keep reminding myself to come back to the moment and focus on the next thing. The real test will be going back to work and getting back into daily routines, whether I slip back into "auto-pilot" mode.
I was talking to a friend about surfing the other night. I am terrible at surfing, but for some reason it gives me an endorphin rush and makes me feel balanced out. He suggested it was that surfing forces me into the present moment. The cold water, the sound of the waves, being out in nature, seeing the wildlife. I think he's right. It's a lesson in how to just enjoy the present moment.
On the situation front, not much to report. W will be joining us at a mutual friends' party for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. We've done a few things like this since the separation, and they've always gone just fine, so I'm not concerned. When my W dropped off the kids yesterday she looked really tired and worn down. She continues to seem pleasant when we do interact on text, but she hasn't responded yet on her availability for mediation appointments. I find myself annoyed at her lack of communication -- for instance she often does not follow through on basic things about the parenting schedule. She hasn't responded yet about her availability for mediation appointments. I can understand she is dragging her feet, but after this weekend if I've heard no response I think I should press.
It's hard to find the right balance. I have some anger and resentment about what has happened (in addition to grief), yet I also have compassion for my W and what she is feeling and going through. Sometimes I feel like I have found that perfect balance point, teetering on a knife edge... fall over on one side and I'm angry and butthurt and wanting to press to close this D as fast as possible... fall over on the other side and I'm ignoring my own needs and my own happiness.
And finally... Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am incredibly thankful for that night in early May when I was desperately searching for ways to fix my MR, and I saw the term "walk away wife syndrome" and somehow got directed to DB and this forum. I am a better, happier, healthier man because of this place -- thank you all for sharing your stories and your advice and for, of course, your validation =)
I think you've got the equilibrium pretty well sorted. Keep going. Like you said, just "do the next thing"
Originally Posted by Unchien
She continues to seem pleasant when we do interact on text, but she hasn't responded yet on her availability for mediation appointments. I find myself annoyed at her lack of communication -- for instance she often does not follow through on basic things about the parenting schedule. She hasn't responded yet about her availability for mediation appointments.
This is me (and my H). I will be pleasant about the little things but avoid the big things. I'd press her on it but keep the chaser light. These are the things that quickly get people's backs up and can snowball into stupid arguments or sulking.
The kids and I went to our friends' house for Thanksgiving dinner today. W stopped by for the meal (these are mutual friends and we had arranged this since the summer).
Everything was okay at a surface level. W and I exchanged some stuff between our cars when she arrived, and otherwise no real interactions of any significance between us. I overheard her telling somebody that her uncle may stay in the guest area at her (our) house while he works on a job. I felt a mild reaction inside me, mostly annoyance as it is also technically my home as well, and I thought I should know, but then... what does it really matter? So I let it go. We will be sorting all of this out soon.
I noticed a couple glances from W, no idea what they meant. Probably just the awkwardness between us. Otherwise it felt just like any get-together, even before BD, when we would go socialize with our different groups and help each other out with the kids.
I'm excited for the rest of the weekend with the kids. This will be 6 straight nights with them, the most I've had since moving out. Tomorrow we're going to decorate the tree and maybe check out a local Christmas festival.
I'm excited for the rest of the weekend with the kids. This will be 6 straight nights with them, the most I've had since moving out. Tomorrow we're going to decorate the tree and maybe check out a local Christmas festival.
Sounds fantastic, unchien! Glad karma is giving back to you this week. 6-night streaks are rare for me, too, and I also happen to be on an unusual 7-day streak. Happy Turkey Day, and enjoy it!
Hope you and the kids enjoy getting ready for Christmas Uni. I know I will. That's great you are in a streak with them since W was somewhat holding them from you early on. I know what you mean/feel about the uncle moving in. I feel like my XW did something similar by refinancing, removing my name from mortgage, and moving BIL in to help with her cost, and help him to work locally and be closer to folks with health ailments. It kind of feels like you are being replaced by another occupant in you re own home, and are disregarded and disrespected as the king of you re castle. Althogh they will probably never see it from you re side that way, or care. It does feel wrong to you as you watch your former bedroom become occupied, or turned into a office or work out room. But maybe they are just thinking practically and just moving forward too without ill intentional intent. People can easily justify reasons in their own minds why they do things take action against you to hurt you but it's not intentional most of the time at least with good people It a not. Try not to let it bother you as you focus on your kids and your new life and your progress it will subside because what you're thinking about is part of your old life. But don't forget it either don't ever forget actions or behaviors that people take against you. remember them and the actions that they once took for you or other people in the future will take for you. You have to keep a constant check and balance with this. Like a pros-and-cons list of someone's Behavior at all times and how it weighs out and what your feelings on them are in the present moment, whether it works for you in the present and whether any of them violate your boundaries or principles.
It is normal for the LBS to feel completely at a loss why things unfolded the way they did?
My WAW has never really given more than disjointed bits and pieces to explain why she wants out. She never even said “I want a D.” I have my theories that this stems primarily from out move 2.5 years ago, and maybe she was unhappy before then but didn’t realize it.
Here’s what I have: - The abuse allegations. - The “caretaker burnout” theory during our first round of MC last year. - Her completely distancing herself, and then accusing me of being distant. - Me getting increasingly desperate to reach out at times, then having my desperation pointed out as emotional abuse (this was incredibly weak behavior on my part but mostly me questioning her commitment) - Finding a D book before the BD (when she went quiet for months). - she seemed to want me to agree D was the only option... only after we went to 8 MC sessions where she made no effort to work on the MR and instead repeatedly labeled me.
I know I’m still attached. I’m still upset that she ditched this MR without an honest effort. I still don’t get it. We have 3 amazing beautiful children together. I’m angry and resentful and I won’t post here acting like I’m over it. I have good days and bad but I think the good days involve me denying reality somewhat.
I know I need to tell myself she is done. I need to completely let go. I don’t want HER anymore, but I want the idea that people work together on their problems especially with so much at stake with the kids. It drives me bonkers sometimes. I can’t believe people do this to each other. I’m not unique here. It’s mind blowing.
There is no explanation. She is checked out. We haven’t even started mediation but this has been years in the making. I need to prepare for my next phase of life. I need to make friends. I need to tackle my anxiety and enjoy the moment. I need to make plans for what I want my life to look like 2 years down the road.
Yes it’s the million dollar question around here and it’s called closure. It’s completely normal. It’s probably all those things you mentioned depending on what day of the week.
I have heard different reasons from three different people why my ex wanted a D and guess what none of them are anything I would want to tell my kids someday.
Yes you’re still attached and that’s normal. You have 3 amazing kids, you have history and you love your W. I thought I was detached until I found out my ex is dating someone way below me and it set me back on detachment.
You just have to trust the process. Pursuit does not work. Placating does not work. Strength does not work but it gets you respect.
Here’s the 100% bottom line. She’s either going to change her mind or she won’t but how you choose to live your life is up to you. One way or another if you choose to you will be happy again.
It reminds me of breaking up with a GF half a life ago. It was hard for me to explain my reasons. I thought she was controlling (hmmm sense a pattern?) and didn’t bother to try to understand me. I couldn’t explain that all to her. But even I did at least give her ILYBINILWY. Here I have bits and pieces but nothing that makes sense.
it makes me feel stronger that we can’t work through our MR issues. My W needs to feel like I want the D. She can’t just up and say she wants it. It has to be my fault. It is sometimes infuriating, most of the time I feel a little sad that she can’t just own it, even though it hurts me. So the distancing, the abuse allegations... yep by now I do want it. She seems unable to have a normal adult romantic relationship now.
LH I’ve been following your recent thread too. I don’t have much to offer other than I’m glad you are sorting out what bothers you most. I also really liked your 3 must-have’s to accept your W back (when you moved out). Brings me back to reality.
LH19 and Uni. You guys have no idea how much all of us here resonate with everything the both of you just said in those last two posts. It all really is mind blowing. I would put those last two posts in the quotes section.
