Lots going on but need some advise here. Kids want to go to Disney tomorrow, it’s my W weekend to be with them, but she’s encouraging me to take them. Keeps asking so she can plan her day. I rather take kids and have more time with each them , but also feel a bit being taken advantage of, and that I’m enabling whatever it is she rather send time on ...
Thoughts?
Who cares what she is spending time on.. Enjoy your kids. If she starts doing it consistently then it will become a problem.. But for now I would say try and get as much time as you can with them and enjoy every second of it.
Who cares what she is spending time on.. Enjoy your kids. If she starts doing it consistently then it will become a problem.. But for now I would say try and get as much time as you can with them and enjoy every second of it.
This^^^^^^^^
Take the kids every chance you get. Keep track of it in your parenting "Log book".
Somewhere in the future, you can look back at the logs and decide if you want to address this as an issue.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for all the recommendations, I went with Disney with the kids again and we had a good time! My W of course, as I expected, got home at 1:30am right after we got back from Disney, from yet another birthday dinner. Oh well.
Anyways, lots going on, main thing is she feels the kids are giving her the "cold shoulder", mainly 3 out of the 4, and she blames me for it. More concerning (and I have to post something more about her later) is D5. Lately we've been spending a lot more time, and I finally took her to play soccer like she had asked me several times, and is growing closer and closer to me.
At the same time, she has been rejecting her mom, which I don't approve of. The other day her mom was going to take her to school, and she refused saying she wanted me to take her. I told her several times to go with mom, but she was having none of it. My W was obviously very hurt. The other day I was on a business trip and came back at night, D5 slept late and didn't wake up on time for school the next day. My W said that the night before she told her she wanted me to pick her up, and that she didn't want to sleep with her.
So the last 2 days I've let my W alone with her to make sure she spends quality time with mom. I think part of the way D5 is reacting is that her mom hasn't been spending a lot of fun time with her ... like "her weekend" she asked me to take her to Disney, thanksgiving, the week of thanksgiving, etc.
This morning my W started yelling at me again, and saying that I'm the cause for her behavior. I asked her to please let me know what I'm doing to make D5 reject her, she couldn't name a thing. She told me I'm rejoicing in it, and that I'm not doing anything to discourage her from behaving this way. I told her to please stop having these arguments in front of the kids, she said "They know everything", excusing talking about these things in front of them. I repeated the same, I don't want this to happen anymore.
So I had to tell her "Look, I didn't want to tell you to hurt your feelings but D5 told me this morning you are mean to her. I told her that's not true and that if mom asks you to do things its because you have to do them, and you have to listen to her".
Anyways, she kind of said at the end "Well, I'm sorry then", but her apology didn't sound sincere to me.
So just now she called me out of the blue, very short call, just to tell me she wanted to apologize for he behaviour this morning and that's not the type of communication she wants to have with me. So I guess that's positive, I think it's the first time since BD that's shes really apologized for anything.
This morning my W started yelling at me again, and saying that I'm the cause for her behavior. I asked her to please let me know what I'm doing to make D5 reject her, she couldn't name a thing. She told me I'm rejoicing in it, and that I'm not doing anything to discourage her from behaving this way. I told her to please stop having these arguments in front of the kids, she said "They know everything", excusing talking about these things in front of them. I repeated the same, I don't want this to happen anymore.
First of all, respect your D's feelings. She is struggling with how her mom is behaving towards her. You should absolutely, positively NOT defend your W's lousy behavior. You should NOT dismiss your D's feelings, especially right now. She feels her mom isn't listening to her and soon she will feel like you're not either if you keep this up. Learn to listen and validate, not just with your W but with your D as well.
Second, do not allow your W to talk to you like that in front of the kids. Tell her if she wants to discuss it then to ask you to discuss it in private. If she starts to do it in front of the kids tell her to stop immediately or the conversation is over. If she continues then leave the room or go for a walk or something. Don't put up with it. Just sitting there saying "please stop having these arguments in front of the kids" while she continues to rant and rave and be defiant makes you look weak and powerless not just to her but to the kids as well. Stand up to her.
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So I had to tell her "Look, I didn't want to tell you to hurt your feelings but D5 told me this morning you are mean to her. I told her that's not true and that if mom asks you to do things its because you have to do them, and you have to listen to her".
Again, don't force your D to do things she doesn't want to do. Be respectful of her feelings. If she says her mom is mean to her then don't say "yeah but do what she says", say "how does that make you feel, are you sad?" Open a dialog. Let her express her feelings. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way, and ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Consider getting her into some counseling, it sounds like she's really struggling right now.
Thanks, I didn't think of validating D5 because she's so young. She is going through a lot, and it's starting to surface now. I talked to her school's guidance counselor and let her know what's going on. We will definitely do some counseling for the girls ... mediation is next week and I told my L that's something I want to work out in an organized fashion.
So here's the other thing that happened with D5, that I'm not sure what to do about. Last week, we were out playing soccer at the park and out of the blue she tells me she doesn't like to go to her mom's friend's house. I asked her which friend, she mentions her name. I ask why, she says at her mom's friend they only speak spanish and she doesn't understand. Her "mom's friend" is a friend she has from work, don't know much about her, all I know is that she's divorced and was homeless for a bit some time ago and my W helped them out.
So then D5 tells me she was one time at her mom's friend's house and the police came over (!!!). That she didn't see the police because they put her (and her mom? It wasn't clear) in a room. That a glass broke, and that somebody got cut. That her mom's friend sister yelled at her mom, and her mom cried.
I'm there just listening, and can't really believe/process what I'm hearing. She even went so far as to tell me in her way that this is the truth, because I think she saw my face of disbelief.
I know from my kids, the older ones have not interacted or being to her mom's friend house. They don't even know her name. And that the only one that has gone there in the past is D5 .... which is suspicious to me. I remember one time my W went to pick me at the airport and was 5 hours late, and D18 called me asking if she had picked me up, and I said no, and was crying thinking her mom had an accident. At the 5 hour mark my W picks me up, with D5 sleeping in the car. She told me she was helping her friend with something.
So what to do ... ? I haven't brought it up to my W because I feel once I ask she's going to freak out and wonder if this is something I want to use against her. I don't believe my W would put any of my daughters at risk, but I do not appreciate that she may have taken her someplace I don't know, with people I don't know and there was potentially some incident there and she never told me about it.
I emailed my L about this, but she hasn't responded.
You should NOT dismiss your D's feelings, especially right now. She feels her mom isn't listening to her and soon she will feel like you're not either if you keep this up. Learn to listen and validate, not just with your W but with your D as well......... Be respectful of her feelings. If she says her mom is mean to her then don't say "yeah but do what she says", say "how does that make you feel, are you sad?" Open a dialog. Let her express her feelings. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way, and ask her if there is anything you can do to help.
Focus on Validating your Daughters feelings. This is one of the most important things you need to do. Focus on this until it is a habit.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
one time at her mom's friend's house and the police came over (!!!).
Hopefully it was a one time issue. I would keep dialog open with D5. Keep track of how frequently she visits freinds house and how she feels each time. Address it in the future. Discuss with her therapist.
We had to have a "safe word" with stepdaughter while she was away with bio-dad. If she ever mentioned that "she didn't sleep well" that was code that she didn't feel safe. Thankfully, we never heard these words from her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
