Saw my counsellor today, spoke about my fear of sending Xmas mail, and wifes anger in response and the cold shoulder,
Discussed that it was me setting a boundary and that if not used to it, it would be difficult. She raised one interesting point when I mentioned I felt like I was hurting her by standing firm on Xmas, She queried whether a part of me wanted to,
Honestly I think a part of me did. Although I was clear I also felt I had to stand up for myself and stop avoiding conflict and resulting resentment and eventual passive aggressive behaviour.
After the session, I have to admit I'm having a bit of a wobble today I still care deeply for my wife, love her and don't want her in pain.
Had thoughts of me turning around before Christmas and offering her the time with kids Xmas eve and Xmas morning.
Know I will be thinking of her a lot at this time and just want things to be resolved. At the same time I would be making myself a martyr to protect her from the pain.
Her anger remains palpable, huge change in that she only sent 1 message today Her: reminder s12 has dental appointment at 5
I didn't respond, I had this diarised and covered.
Then s12 isn't were he was supposed to be when I picked him up from the bus stop, it's a new route for him staying at mine, and caused a lot of panic as his phone is in for repair.
Phoned my wife and we both searched the local area seperately and made all the calls. Eventually he turned up at my flat , having got off a mile early and deciding to walk along the sea front.
After all of this she is still brewing with anger, I can see it, she is actively avoiding any eye contact with me, will not speak or engage with anything but the fewest words and is in an absolute rush to get away from me.
She's acting as if she both hates me and fears me as she doubles down on this narrative.
I feel very compelled to try and build some bridges, but feel it would change nothing when she's so consumed in this portrait of me.
Right now I feel my sitch is hopeless, do Waw's ever soften over time in these sitch's, it feels so final and the longer this has gone on, the more her hate and more solidified on her decision she seems to be.
She hasn't mentioned divorce yet, but this is because she sees seperation as the same thing, divorce just being the more legal and expensive option.
As far as she is concerned the marriage is dead. I strongly suspect it's only a matter of time before she's with a grass is greener om
Funnily my counsellor suggested asking her to attend MC due to some of her obvious issues and dynamic of the relationship, made it clear that just asking would be a red rag to a bull.
Counsellor did have some interesting views on attachment types and likelihood both me and my wife were fluid between anxious and avoident styles. More reading to do.
Let my d6 vidchat wife this morning before school. I overheard wife mention some money that d6 needed to take in. I let my wife know I was there and asked to confirm what was needed. Her: I'm talking to d6 not you!
Having to just ride the storm of her anger and hatred towards me, this makes it really hard to maintain any inner hope.
I continue to have conflicting thoughts about wanting to reach out and offer her an olive branch.
She perceives any attempt from me to be positive or friendly as manipulative.
And any assertiveness or saying no as confirmation I'm controlling and an A###hole.
I do wonder with her particular history and psychological make up make this harder. She sees everything through a filter of abuse and has frequently cut people out of her life she perceives to be negative influences or wanting something from her,( this includes her mother and 2 of her 3 sisters) she often talks about people wanting her energy.
The only way back last time we split 4 years ago seemed to be me falling on my sword, agreeing with everything she said, it regained her trust but was doomed not to last.
I worry that she is inherently threatened and on her guard around assertive men, it's part of why she was attracted to me in the first place because I seemed so easy going.
Been reading lots more NMMNG, I've had the same patterns in all my relationships.
While committed to change long term, I am very much struggling with the immediate situation and fear I am losing her more everyday.
Let my d6 vidchat wife this morning before school.
If this wasn't a D6-initiated vidchat, I hope you are negotiating for yourself equal vidchat time.
Quote
I overheard wife mention some money that d6 needed to take in. I let my wife know I was there and asked to confirm what was needed. Her: I'm talking to d6 not you!
lol. Painful but good lesson to mind boundaries and butt out of her parenting.
Originally Posted by JDevast
I continue to have conflicting thoughts about wanting to reach out and offer her an olive branch.
If by olive branch, you mean respecting her right to parent during her time, being courteous and polite during interactions, and working out equal deals that's wonderful!
If you mean placating to avoid conflict, say no!
Quote
While committed to change long term, I am very much struggling with the immediate situation and fear I am losing her more everyday.
You do seem far apart, and not likely to magically resolve in 1-3 months. Any hope seems longer-term.
Thanks cw. Yeah d6 asked to vid chat, I should leave the room in future, still very attached and want to be present even to just see a glimpse of her on the screen. These are weak moments.
You're right I have to respect her boundaries, maintain politeness and equality, while respecting my own boundaries.
We are miles apart, and on the face of it seems irreparably broken. I fall into a lot of mind reading and I've said it before there's a deep impatience for the situation to turn around.
Her wishes are that we are apart, she gets to live her own life and has minimal contact with me. I'm guilty of not accepting this reality and wanting to change her mind.
Saw my counsellor today, spoke about my fear of sending Xmas mail, and wifes anger in response and the cold shoulder,
Discussed that it was me setting a boundary and that if not used to it, it would be difficult. She raised one interesting point when I mentioned I felt like I was hurting her by standing firm on Xmas, She queried whether a part of me wanted to,
Honestly I think a part of me did. Although I was clear I also felt I had to stand up for myself and stop avoiding conflict and resulting resentment and eventual passive aggressive behaviour.
After the session, I have to admit I'm having a bit of a wobble today I still care deeply for my wife, love her and don't want her in pain.
Had thoughts of me turning around before Christmas and offering her the time with kids Xmas eve and Xmas morning.
Know I will be thinking of her a lot at this time and just want things to be resolved. At the same time I would be making myself a martyr to protect her from the pain.
Her anger remains palpable, huge change in that she only sent 1 message today Her: reminder s12 has dental appointment at 5
I didn't respond, I had this diarised and covered.
Then s12 isn't were he was supposed to be when I picked him up from the bus stop, it's a new route for him staying at mine, and caused a lot of panic as his phone is in for repair.
Phoned my wife and we both searched the local area seperately and made all the calls. Eventually he turned up at my flat , having got off a mile early and deciding to walk along the sea front.
After all of this she is still brewing with anger, I can see it, she is actively avoiding any eye contact with me, will not speak or engage with anything but the fewest words and is in an absolute rush to get away from me.
She's acting as if she both hates me and fears me as she doubles down on this narrative.
I feel very compelled to try and build some bridges, but feel it would change nothing when she's so consumed in this portrait of me.
Right now I feel my sitch is hopeless, do Waw's ever soften over time in these sitch's, it feels so final and the longer this has gone on, the more her hate and more solidified on her decision she seems to be.
She hasn't mentioned divorce yet, but this is because she sees seperation as the same thing, divorce just being the more legal and expensive option.
As far as she is concerned the marriage is dead. I strongly suspect it's only a matter of time before she's with a grass is greener om
Funnily my counsellor suggested asking her to attend MC due to some of her obvious issues and dynamic of the relationship, made it clear that just asking would be a red rag to a bull.
Counsellor did have some interesting views on attachment types and likelihood both me and my wife were fluid between anxious and avoident styles. More reading to do.
This smacks of NGS. "Oh she is angry with me, I have to be nice to win make her like me again!" Have you read NMMNG?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks cw. Yeah d6 asked to vid chat, I should leave the room in future, still very attached and want to be present even to just see a glimpse of her on the screen. These are weak moments.
You're right I have to respect her boundaries, maintain politeness and equality, while respecting my own boundaries.
We are miles apart, and on the face of it seems irreparably broken. I fall into a lot of mind reading and I've said it before there's a deep impatience for the situation to turn around.
Her wishes are that we are apart, she gets to live her own life and has minimal contact with me. I'm guilty of not accepting this reality and wanting to change her mind.
Glad to see you backed away from capitulation and trying to bridge-build. Seriously study NGS. It is a terrible way to live.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve, I started it 2 days ago, working my way through it, it's hitting a lot of nerves and on some level I think in some cathartic way my mind is fighting it, saying no j, nice her back, making excuses for me and her.
I know the emotional abuse angle from her is confusing things, all advice online etc says the abuser can only change if he takes full responsibility for his actions and admits everything to his victim etc.
I want her to trust me again, and it feels like a trap if I own up to everything she is saying. She's also making it clear she will never trust me until this happens.
Don't get me wrong I hold my hands up to failing her in so many ways, especially making her feel loved and respected, I took the relationship for granted.
Going to keep reading, just unsure at this stage how to balance this with the accusations, her experience and beliefs are her truths.
I would never cop to something I was not guilty of. Jdve, I feel compelled to reiterate a simple truth to you. These are words you should not only listen to and hear, but words you should heed and allow to inform your actions moving forward:
You cannot nice her back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, this is where I am struggling, on the one hand I feel the claims are exaggereated and on the other I accept that I have also caused harm through Ngs, avoident attachment , passive aggressive and controlling behaviours.
So I feel stuck between acceptance of my failings, being accountable ( which is a 180 for me) and the exaggeration of everything I did or didn't do as abuse.
R2C In terms of personal growth I'm meditating regularly, reading a ton of self help books, managing my mental health more effectively, making small inroads into regaining weight and eating regularly, bought a bike and getting more exercise than I had in years,also seeing an ic.
It's little things, including getting out and establishing new friendships, being less isolated and closed off and being more open with people and life.
Less afraid of life but still a lot of fear based thinking about the sitch and my w.
