I'm glad you still got out to Church. Even though I'm not a person of Faith, I can't imagine a God that wouldn't forgive a tired and troubled man from resting his eye when he's save in His house.
My son-in-law is stuck out in the Arabian Sea in the engine room of CVN-72 right now and has been for a while. Certainly a different boat than the Big E. I just mailed him a box full of Canadian coffee and treats. It's a tough life and with the years that you are in it, it undoubtedly shapes your world view. Where your shipmates have your back - when they're not playing a prank on you when you are in your rack.
I think that the key thing I read here is the word "waiting". Yes - absolutely there are a lot of things going on that are well beyond your control. Things that are going in directions you don't want. Signals that don't make sense. A key thing that I learned - and it was tough to learn - is to let go of those things that you can't do anything about and to still go forward and do your duty regardless. Your duty is clear. You have a family who loves and needs you. Kids and grandkids. You have friends who need you. You have a new job that makes you work hard doing things you are good at. The rest, for now, you'll have to let go of any control over.
There's a phrase that the Navy uses that I quite like "we have the watch shipmate". I just now stumbled on this and thought I would share. It might help. The Watch
For twenty years This sailor has stood the watch While some of us were in our bunks at night This sailor stood the watch
While some of us were in school learning our trade This shipmate stood the watch
Yes.. even before some of us were born into this world This shipmate stood the watch
In those years when the storm clouds of war were seen brewing on the horizon of history This shipmate stood the watch
Many times he would cast an eye ashore and see his family standing there Needing his guidance and help Needing that hand to hold during those hard times But he still stood the watch
He stood the watch for twenty years He stood the watch so that we, our families and Our fellow countrymen could sleep soundly in safety, Each and every night Knowing that a sailor stood the watch
Today we are here to say 'Shipmate... the watch stands relieved Relieved by those You have trained ,Guided, and Led Shipmate you stand relieved.. we have the watch..."
"Boatswain..Standby to pipe the side...Shipmate's going Ashore.."
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yeah... hard to let go when you are of a control mindset. Play by the rules, do the right stuff. Get the award. Well the rules are garbage. Yes,I wanted to use other words. But I am trying to be a better and improved me. I didn't swear often to begin with and trying to get to not at all. There are many who never do. Guardians of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier are one such group.
I feel that no one who has impact in what is happening is listening. Not my W, the lawyers, the court. Adds to the frustration. As does the games.
If she is gone and done with us, then why being so catty about my dealing with my stuff? A test? See if saying I want/am different (not said in a long time btw) and showing are just a trick? I don't want the trick. Faking it to get her back would be right where we are again.
I want the should be. I can only show that and weather what ever she throws at me. I'm not sure how to picture life without her. Probably because it is so alien from what I had imagined. Hmmm. another epiphany... not how we imagined, but I. Not sure I can provide what she wants or thought we would be. Maybe because I didn't listen.
I want to listen. To be the unbreakable rock for her. Yet all she can see is a sand castle that has been washed away.
Not very happy thoughts to start my Sunday with.
Maybe a trip to the gym will help. I need to go because I have been slipping with my hours at work.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Spending time with my son and daughter in law. Still wanting to get my stuff but need a key. On the other hand she hasn't seemed to carryout her threat about tossing my stuff.
I claimed the vacuum cleaner. I bought it. She seems to want it. She texted me a realtors info. I think we have to do that. Too many bad memories there now. At least for her. A house she was all set on. A shame she believes I am responsible for her happiness.
I am responsible for my happiness. Providing her with a safe and welcoming place.
More gym time. Going to Veteran's Day specials with my younger Daughter.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Had a good Veteran's day with my daughter. Enjoyed the time and the specials.
House is listed and still full of stuff so the realtor isn't very optimistic. Wanted to list without interior pictures. I said show it all.
Comment from my wife about not needing a key was because I choose not to live there. No, I was ordered not to.
I'm not sure what she is thinking or remembering.
I still haven't figured out the detach part of this. I want my Mahal, my wife. Pretty messed up isn't it. I've been on this board for a long time and not sure I have made any progress.
Yeah, I still get those thoughts. Still won't act on them. Kids and grandkids... what could I leave to explain it to them. Also would she even care? Permanently removes any chance of R. I am sure that God isn't done with me yet.
I ran across an article about Carlos Santana. After divorce from his wife of 34 years (if I recall the article) he found Jesus and had tried to commit suicide seven times. None of them were successful. So, yeah, fight another day even if trusting the Plan is hard.
May all of you have a good thanksgiving. I will be hanging with my daughter and her BF. We will be enjoying some Cranberry Cheesecake frozen custard. Oh yeah it is as good as it sounds. If you like cranberry anyway.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I still haven't figured out the detach part of this. I want my Mahal, my wife. Pretty messed up isn't it. I've been on this board for a long time and not sure I have made any progress.
Yeah, I still get those thoughts. Still won't act on them. Kids and grandkids... what could I leave to explain it to them. Also would she even care? Permanently removes any chance of R. I am sure that God isn't done with me yet.
I ran across an article about Carlos Santana. After divorce from his wife of 34 years (if I recall the article) he found Jesus and had tried to commit suicide seven times. None of them were successful. So, yeah, fight another day even if trusting the Plan is hard.
Are you in IC? This whole section here concerns me, about your mindset and frame-of-mind. Thoughts of suicide can be very very dangerous if not followed up with a professional on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Turbine. I may or may not have mentioned on here before that I've thought about suicide many times through out the course of my life sometimes on a daily basis. Even today it crosses my mind when things get overwhelming, circumstantial bad, or the same occurrences keep happening over and over and over no matter how hard you try to fight it. Pray for it, or improve it. So you TEMPORARILY FEEL LIKE... WHSTS THE POINT TO LIFE? The truth is its ok to think it. Its ok to talk about it. Its not ok to act on it for any reason. For attention, to end any temporary pain you may be feeling. The truth is it can bring pain and hardship one season, and blessings and abundance another. Its the ebb and flow of it all and you have to step back sometimes and recognize this and roll with the punches. Sometimes I take a nap. And even though I feel guilty of it because it kills my production. I know it resets my mind to the right place where the worry of the chattering anxiety subside You have to let it pass brother. It will force you into a stronger character. The point to life is this. None of us can predict the future, none of us have a crystal ball, and none of us know when we are going to go. It could be in our sleep at a ripe old age, or I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Or? The lottery.. Lol. I love it when I can help people that are going through a rough time because I have had my fair share of them. But compared to others, its not so bad either. Somebody somewhere out there has it worse than you. Take a drive through the most poverty stricken area you can find closest to you one night, and you'll see how fast and how grateful you become for having the life that you have, ups, downs, hi's low's and all. Your pain is a past chapter, Write a new one. I don't know why we are here? What our purpose is, or God's plan for us. A part of me wants to dwell with him because of the disdain I am starting to gave for this earth, and the other part of me has no choice but to keep going while I'm here. I do know one thing regardless until it is my time. Until I start serving the lord with all my heart, my words, my actions, my body and spirit, my fruit and my works, life is useless. Without him I can do nothing. I made bad choices, mistakes, I stumbled in sin. I'm sure our spouses have too which is why we are here. Get ok with being alone. There is freedom in it. We come into the world that way, and we go out of it the same way. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings. Pain or blessings, sometimes both in the sane day. Learn from the pain and affliction, and cherish and be gracious for the blessings. Life is important and what you make of it, but not as important as getting your mind and spirit right with God. The world experiences and pressures and pleasures can come second. Hope this helps.
Thanks IHCLAS for the summary and encouragement. I read somewhere that the person thinking about suicide really wants the pain to end. I'm sure most of us here can understand that portion of it. Yes, the thoughts are there. So is the futility of it. The how to explain to those left behind why. That she wouldn't care or even if she did then it really would be too late. What I do know is I hurt inside. I hurt her. I want to fix that... with her.
The idea of not her in the future... no, I don't want that. I might have to accept it though. I don't like that either.
My Mom died before my Dad. Cancer. We all thought she would outlive my Dad with his heart issues and my sister with her long list of health issues. Well it didn't go that way. Dad lasted 23 months after Mom died. He gave up. He had started talking about dating though. I miss both of them.
So now my sister is here still and still being a major pain with her unreasonable life expectations. Overweight, diabetic and uses a power chair to get around outside her home; she wants to get a Sprinter van and convert it to go on the road. Mobility issues for normal everyday life and doing that... I can't see it going well.
Steve85, I need to have access to the house to clean it. She changed the locks and her schedule is not shared with me. I want to work on the whole thing. House, stuff, me, us, etc. Her reason is odd considering the previous court orders. Her fighting to not have the OP dropped. Claims of being bullied by my L.
My IC though the VA wasn't a good fit. Do I need help? Yeah, probably. Would having a honest chance or a R with her help? Considering that has been the life raft I climbed in out in the middle of this sea of pain... yeah, I can't swim very well in real life either. I have been much better with regular church attendance. Praying. Reading my Bible and inspirational books. Gym time really helps too.
I've been catching up on NCIS and just finished Ep. 16-24. I was talking to someone who thought the series has gotten stale. Been on a long time and I can see that. But Gibbs seeing his deceased second wife and talking to her as part of the plot line. They talk about the hurt and locking people out as part of the revelation. The fear of letting them back in. Seems pretty good to me still.
I'm liking the new job. They like me. Still a contract position though but going permanent seems pretty good. Long hours too. 10 hour days M-F and half day on Saturday. W complained that I couldn't hold a job. My resume is honestly multiple pages. I know she has been working really hard... I really am very proud of her. She is so stubborn and determined. I miss that. I don't want to quit trying. I want to hold her and be a family. The story of King David and King Solomon are in the one book I am reading. How God Makes Men.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Well today wasn't the worst. Wasn't the greatest either. But it is done. Work for tomorrow so sleep in a few.
Called my sister. Tears and desperate. She wants me to buy her mobile home or live there so she can go to Arizona. Got no money other than the inheritance and she has no direct control over that. Disability has made parts of this a real pain in the backside.
Buying/living there would be a real inconvenient plan. Too long of a commute for my job.
My aunt talked to the accountant about gifting money to my sister from the inherited IRA. Another headache made more complicated by the pending D. We can't do anything until the d is final my aunt says. And when I say I don't want it she says I have to accept it. That my W is gone.
I am so frustrated by all this stuff that I am responsible for yet have no control. My sister has unrealistic expectations of what she can do. My aunt is trying to help me get over this. Except I don't want it. I still want to try for R with my W.
No contact with her today. No contact for a while. More frustration. It hurts still. Because I won't let go. or because I cant'.
To be honest, yes, I have thought of the future without her and with someone else. She is the trump card in my hand/heart. How do I change out that? I still don't know. Which is why I had the forced stay at Spa Le'Pysch. Also not helpful... at least not as much as they might like to think.
Does this explain my frustration any better?
Oh, and the house being listed with the for sale sign in the in our yard... big old honkin failure flag.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
