Not willing to quit

[Turbine]

Hello everyone. I haven't given in to the dark and broken down any walls. Very infrequent now.

Lots of different things going on. For one I hope everyone is surviving this pandemic.

A few updates:
Working full time as a general machinist. Skills are not as rusty and growing.
Getting to use my VA benefits. So I have new glasses. Due to a reoccurring vision issue I have had a MRI and am scheduled for a neck and heart ultrasound. Still looking for the cause.

Got a sleep study done through the VA and I need a CPAP.

Last night brush with chills and fever. Talking to the VA. Feeling much better this morning but not going to work for a few days. Yes, I work in a company that is "essential".

Fired my first lawyer. New lawyer and court dates are unknown for a bit.

House is listed but a mess. W says come with a truck. Still with little advance warning and on Saturday afternoon. We are talking. Still she says "No" and then "Maybe". Working on staying calm and not getting upset.

I'm not sure how well I am at being detached. I know I still love her. Still want the honest chance to try again. We'll see.

I'm sure there is more that I should be putting down but there is still so much trying to sort out.

[neffer]

Glad to hear from you T.

Keep giving her that space.

Take care of yourself and your family.

Stay strong there. Keep DB

[Turbine]

Not sure what I got as a bug. Thera Flu seems to\be helping. Won Ton soup... not a chicken soup guy.

My kids know I am dealing with whatever this is. W... haven't offered, she hasn't asked. I ought to perhaps but I was at the house well over a week ago.

Time alone is when the crap creeps in. Makes me want to go dark. No, encourages, entices me. Been reading my Bible and turning my thoughts to God.

I'm not the same anymore but a long way from the end still.

Stay focused right.

[Turbine]

Pretty much symptom free. Company had fumigation bombed the building Friday and is having everyone wait until Thursday to return to work. Then three 12 hour shifts. Rough but working is a good thing.

Really want to work this out with her. Wanting to rush it. Except I can't. Not if I want to get the R.

So, read my Bible and pray. Work on me physically (gym would be better but...) mentally (trying to learn more Tagalog), emotionally by reading my Bible. which will also help spiritually.

Yesterday I treated myself to a burger from 5 Guys. Single bacon burger with mushroom, onion, tomato, pickles and A-1. Followed by a Turtle sundae made with the flavor of the day, Toasted Coconut.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey Turbine,

I've been reading your updates. It seems like you're focusing on the things you can control and that is helping you. Give her that time and space and we'll see where it all goes.

Can you do any calisthenics at home? Extra cardio or stretching to fill in the workout holes? 5 Guys is pretty good too always nice to have a special meal.

[Turbine]

I am definitely not happy with the court system, lawyers, the judge and how the laws are written. Not vengeful if that is what you are thinking. Something many of us here can probably relate to. I doubt that I could serve on a jury and be impartial.
Part of why I fired my first lawyer was her attitude toward getting me back into our house. Get a dumpster for the items didn't endear her to me either. It doesn't help that how I view all the divorce lawyers, judges and courts as not exactly a shinning example of good. Should everyone be forced to remain married. No... should the government be able to force you to not be married? No.
There are lots of women out there. I'm still comparing them to me asawa, my Mahal.
Still building my vocabulary in Tagalog. My grammar still has a long way to go. I still don't "think" in Tagalog. Thinking in a language is a sign of fluidity and progress in learning. I so want that kind of a breakthrough. I don't know why. Chasing her?
I know that I had a big part in creating this mess. I still am trying to fix it. I need to step back a little. Work on me and trust God.
Take sensible precautions because a risk free life isn't a life.

[Turbine]

Wife called about a password for the Admin account on her computer. Must have been right because she didn't call me back. She wanted to install MacAffee on her computer. I offered Kaspersky since I had room for more devices. She declined and I didn't push it. Hurts a little still.

Took a nap and dreamed about her. Nothing intimate or harmful. Just interacting and being a couple. Not the first time. Probably won't be the last either. Not sure whether to cheer or cry. Definitely not let go...

Working on the patience part, not getting angry or rattled.

What a mess...

[AndrewP]

Hey Turbine. Glad you are still posting updates and it sounds like you are doing ok all things considered.

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. That people care.

[Turbine]

Thanks. Some days are tougher because waiting isn't a strong suit.

She texted yesterday about the census and the stimulus check. Haven't answered either one. I've been counted and no idea about the check. Not sure she deserves an answer.

God, I need some help.

[Turbine]

Finally answered the text she sent. Kept it short and on topic.

Really tired of the games. Not sure some days it is worth it. Not sure what I will do if we do end up divorced.

The company I work for was recently bought by a larger corporation. Not sure how transferable things are but they do have an operation in Texas. I'm not happy with Illinois politically. Haven't been for a long time. Two of the kids are here and the two grandsons. So that would be a huge change. Not to mention moving farther from the other kid and grandkids.

Sometimes I want to just ask her what she is doing...

I've been watching a few new (to me ) series. Bull and The Rookie.