I assume you have finished reading TAoS. Anything in there that you want to add to your new self?
What is this TAOS book you guys have been talking about? I tried to look back on the old threads but couldn't find the title. I'm still trying to read everything you've written Living.
What is this TAOS book you guys have been talking about? I tried to look back on the old threads but couldn't find the title. I'm still trying to read everything you've written Living.
Glad to hear you are OK. I always get worried when posters just stop.
Thanks for the update. Anything we can help with, just ask.
I also agree that the newbies could benefit from your input. Also, you will benefit as well. It is emotionally draining to help others. Each time I have to really put myself in their shoes. Makes IRL decisions much easier for me since I have went through the mental thought process many times.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Glad to hear you are OK. I always get worried when posters just stop.
Thanks for the update. Anything we can help with, just ask.
I also agree that the newbies could benefit from your input. Also, you will benefit as well. It is emotionally draining to help others. Each time I have to really put myself in their shoes. Makes IRL decisions much easier for me since I have went through the mental thought process many times.
HUGS
Thanks for the well wishes Ready2change, I really appreciate it.
I’ll definitely chime in here when I can to help the new people. I’m no expert but I’ve been living in an alternate universe for 2 years, lol! Therefore, I have some experience.
Mr. I want a divorce is already back to pursuing me. Isn’t that nuts? He declares he “no longer has it for us” and wants a divorce, yet he wants to be in my space.
Yesterday, he told me I looked like I needed a hug . I told him I’m not sure where he got that from. He proceeds to wrap his arms around me to hug me. I didn’t even hug him back. I told him...seems like you’re the one that needs a hug.
And this has been the story of my life for 2 years. Distance and pursuit.
I’ve got him figured out though....
Just like a teenager he wants to do what he wants when he wants. He doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone. So when I call him out on some wrong behavior, like an adolescent, he throws a fit.
So I confront him about missing money, and all of a sudden he wants a divorce. I’m still of the belief that he doesn’t know what the he11 he wants. My therapist agrees. She also agrees that he’s in crisis. Although she didn’t call it a midlife crisis.
So what will I do???
* Well first thing I did was remove all my money from our joint account. I’m now paying my potion of our bills from my own account. I have also removed him from my personal account.
* I have alerts set up on my credit report to make sure he’s not opening any lines of credit in my name.
* I’m continuing to work on me. I’m working on being the best version of myself that I’ve ever been. I’m proud to say that I’m off to a great start.
* As long as I keep my focus on me, I do just fine. But the moment that I turn back to him, all heck breaks loose.
So Woosa, my first piece of advice would be to only focus on what you have control over and that’s “YOU”!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Keep in mind that in most states if he racks up any debt that you are responsible for half of it.
You’re right. However, in my state if I can prove I didn’t agree to or know about the debt, I can possibly get out of being on the hook for it. My aunt did just that to my uncle. He walked away with debt he created without her knowledge. So there may be hope for me. Fingers crossed!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Hi. Sorry for short threadjack. Let me ask you a question. I would be more optimistic about my sitch (which you commented on last night) if he hadn't filed for divorce already. I suspect he will get to the point he wishes he had not done it (may be there already) but isn't it like admitting you "lost" to take it down? I don't know how the guy rationalizes in his mind, especially if the LB wife has made changes and appears to be okay? Could it be they won't do it because they've staked out a position and they're stuck with it or afraid the door is now closed? My H voiced that fear a few years ago.
Hi. Sorry for short threadjack. Let me ask you a question. I would be more optimistic about my sitch (which you commented on last night) if he hadn't filed for divorce already. I suspect he will get to the point he wishes he had not done it (may be there already) but isn't it like admitting you "lost" to take it down? I don't know how the guy rationalizes in his mind, especially if the LB wife has made changes and appears to be okay? Could it be they won't do it because they've staked out a position and they're stuck with it or afraid the door is now closed? My H voiced that fear a few years ago.
Newbie20, perhaps your question was for LH19 or Ready2change, I’m sure they will give you great feedback to your questions.
However, let me say this...they are not thinking logically, they are thinking with emotion. When my husband declared he wanted a divorce (the first time he’s said the words this entire 2 years) it could have been because emotions were high. I won’t claim to know if he meant it or not. Only he knows that.
I think in my own sitch my husband isn’t setting out to hurt me. I think each time he hurts me he wants out more. It must be painful to see my face each day. Each day he sees my face, he’s reminded of all the pain he’s caused. So what do emotionally immature people do? They run from situations rather than try to fix the damage they’ve caused.
I can say without a shadow of doubt that my husband is extremely emotionally immature. He’s just all around immature right now. He truly is in a second adolescence. He’s got a lot of maturing and growing up to do. It’s sad to watch because he’s 46, but it is what it is.
At the end of the day those of us who think with logic and ration will never be able to understand why they do the things they do.
I may be wrong but my husband may go through with the divorce as well. I mean look at all the damage he’s caused. He’s obviously not committed to our marriage or working on himself...so why would he be committed to doing the long hard work to clean his mess up?
So my theory is that they won’t stop the divorce because they aren’t committed to the marriage or to doing the work to repair the damage caused. They also aren’t committed to looking in the mirror and fixing themselves. So what do they do? They run and jump back into another relationship. Then the cycle repeats itself. They are looking for another person to fix what they should be fixing themselves. The problem isn’t the relationship...the problem is the people in the relationship.
Lastly, I will say that the changes that you made need to be for you and not to try to win your husband back. It NEVER works. Want to know how I know? I tried it!!!!! All those things you fixed were necessary changes, but they weren’t the cause for the demise of your marriage. How do I know? Well you fixed all the things and your husband still filed for divorce, right? See it was never those things.
There are plenty of people who have problems in their marriage that don’t run to divorce court.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
. I told him I’m not sure where he got that from. He proceeds to wrap his arms around me to hug me. I didn’t even hug him back. I told him...seems like you’re the one that needs a hug.