In regards to the independent study week - as long as you see no ill effects to learning I would say that would be fine. I wouldn't give up your week with them unless that is something you feel you won't be able to do with your work schedule. I'm sure a family trip with mom or dad is enriching to their growth and learning.
As far as working out a new schedule for the rotation, I would wait for some type of mediator. If you feel MC2 would be fair and help to come to an agreement then go for it! If not, I would wait for mediation. I definitely would NOT try to broach that subject directly. I feel like you would be setting yourself up for failure or at least an emotional response to some pretty heavy stuff.
I can tell this is on your mind and eating at you. Don't make a decision today. Let the feelings calm down and think it through. At the end of the day it's whatever is best for your kids and for you.
Hugs! You'll get through this.
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
U, I agree with Kristin, if you plan on starting mediation soon then that should be discussed as part of it. You haven't had a lot of luck reasoning with her in the past so having an impartial 3rd party present should help.
You will do what is best for you but in my opinion with your current sitch I would pick:
2. Tell her I want to talk about this only in front of a mediator.
This is really the only safe option you have since she is bent on making you out to be a horribly abusive person.
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She offered the other week to me, and if I don't use it, she wants that also
Take the week with your children and use that time to form healthy attachments and new memories. If you don't she may use that against you later on. I hope she wouldn't but it is better to be cautious. Journal what you are doing with your children and all the positive interactions. It will be a great way to look back at the positive during a difficult time and can be used in a custody hearing if you divorce.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
She has already questioned how I would handle child care during the weekdays I have the kids (especially D3 who does not currently go to day care).
In my opinion this shows she does not intend to negotiate in good faith. You can guess how the conversation will go if you negotiate with her directly.
I would also consider spending some money and getting legal advice from an attorney.
She repeated that she thought moving up here would fix my unhappiness (?) and she doesn't even want to live here. She has accepted it now, but wants to live the life we agreed to (?!). Blame game. Hard to hear, but I see what's going on.
She is really pressing because she is worried I want 50/50 immediately and thinks I will pull the kids from all their activities.
I think I'll tell her I'm happy to discuss our schedule until we work something out in mediation. And that I want a timeline to start mediation. Otherwise, she doesn't have much incentive to go to mediation (other than we are spending down our assets).
I think I'm going to ask for 2 more weeknights in the meantime, nights which she can't argue against for logistical reasons because childcare is set up and I have flexibility at work to pick the kids up.
- I prefer to ask her directly rather than go back to MC2. - In the worst case, she will balk and we continue with our current arrangement.
Interesting to see her mindset -- she is giving me a lot of guilt trips, saying I'm not being kind to her by not telling her what I want. My thoughts are: "I wanted to work on the MR!" and "I moved up here because I thought it would make YOU happy because we couldn't have the lifestyle you wanted in <original town>!" But I refrained. I know better now =)
A few suggestions: I might perhaps recommend re-reading this post and see how much you are still talking about W and how she is feeling. That is an area you can work on.
I might also recommend that you take care in assigning any of your W's past actions/feelings/emotions/words to any particular cause for MR troubles. While analyzing what happened may help you to understand how you got where you are today, I am fairly certain your W is not thinking those same things right now.
Thanks IW. This post was more of a vent post, frustrated at myself for not being as detached as I'd like. I felt like I needed to make a confession =) Or maybe I just needed an outlet for the balled-up energy after working hard not to engage in the moment.
There is a lot of emotional bait floating around my sitch. Just today I was accused of "playing games" and not displaying kindness (by asking to talk about parenting schedules in mediation). My W told me the only reason she moved here was to hopefully fix my unhappiness (rewriting history).
It's soooo hard to avoid the temptation to defend, to explain, to spell out my point of view.
It's a test of my validation skills. Instead of hearing:
W: "Son's behavioral issues may be due to you."
-or-
W: "I want XYZ to be the same as they were before D."
-or-
W: "You are not being reasonable."
-or-
W: "Mediation would be a colossal waste of money."
-or-
W: "I can't go back to work while things are uncertain."
I feel like I should hear:
W: "Feelings feelings feelings."
I will keep working at it. I need to stop taking it personally, stop focusing on how traumatizing it feels, and instead just let it be. I'm a good person and a good dad. I have a right to a happy life. I didn't ruin my W's life. I need to let her take her own journey. But not at my expense.
There is a lot of emotional bait floating around my sitch. Just today I was accused of "playing games" and not displaying kindness (by asking to talk about parenting schedules in mediation).
I am confused, did she agree to D and/or mediation? Or have you made a decision to push forward with it? (It's possible I missed something in your sit) One thing I've noticed - I find it interesting she is dragging her feet on mediation.
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My W told me the only reason she moved here was to hopefully fix my unhappiness (rewriting history).
Yeah - my W rewrote history too when I was still trying to understand what was going on (before I found DB). When I finally understood those were her feelings at that moment, I was better able to validate. When I started validating, nothing changed for three months or so, but then I noticed W started calming down a little.
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It's soooo hard to avoid the temptation to defend, to explain, to spell out my point of view.
Thats great - you've found something for you to work on!
I am confused, did she agree to D and/or mediation? Or have you made a decision to push forward with it? (It's possible I missed something in your sit) One thing I've noticed - I find it interesting she is dragging her feet on mediation.
We agreed 2 months ago on D, and agreed to try mediation.
The process has been slow because we agreed to go to MC2 for recommendations. But MC2 appointments were happening on a roughly monthly cadence.
MC2 provided us some mediator recommendations, one each for custody and financial items. I followed up on his recommendations, got their schedule availability, and she was slow to reply. When she did reply, she said she thought this would be too expensive, so wanted to go to a single mediator (this is news within the last week).
Exercise in mind-reading: She is dragging her feet in mediation.
- Perhaps she doesn't want a D - Perhaps she prefers her current situation (living off my income, in an unaffordably nice home, with >70% custody and in control of the situation). - Perhaps I shouldn't bother reading into it, and do what's best for me.
No MC2 appointments scheduled at the moment, which is okay by me.
If I had 50/50-ish time with the kids, and financially I was not supporting her lifestyle, I would be willing to stand. I'm working on the kid timeshare, but the financial reality is grim and I need to protect myself.
There is an old saying. "There's no such thing as a free lunch." When someone wants out and continues to keep progressively moving towards that out, little by little, step by step. All bets are off the table. Favors are no longer free. There must always be an equal exchange of reciprocation for yourselves, the only people you do favors for is your family and kids. The children are half yours. You made them too. You deserve half your time with them. Doesn't matter if a presiding family court judge or attorney FEELS what's best for the children (Usually financially what is in the best interest of the child, typically XW gets more custody, stays home, gets more $ from CS and Alimony to finance kids and her new lifestyle in most cases without any accountability to where you're $ goes.. Its standard playbook unless both parties agree otherwise. Its not CS. Its "How much do you make" support.) Don't ever let anyone, any family court, attorney, or otherwise tell you otherwise. IMO. ALL CUSTODY CASES should be 50/50 unless there is neglect involved. Some states like mine don't even have 50/50. Its just primary, secondary, and joint. What no one talks about is TITLE IVD how the courts are incentivized to place custody with the mother, and indirectly receives federal grant monies for doing so for every case. Attornies know this. But that's another story for another time and place. Put together your custody schedule for the mediator for WHAT YOU WANT and what best benefits the children that is fair to everyone and negotiate it based on logic and reason what's best for you.. Just my two cents. Ill let everyone know how I fair and what I learn when I actually cross that bridge in the very near future.
