Good deal U! I suspect she was agreeable because of your comment that you wanted to wait until mediation to resolve it, so giving her some pushback and standing up for your parental rights is paying off for you. Well done!
U, Great to hear you will be getting more time with the kids. This is yet another instance where you spoke up and asked for what you felt was fair without overthinking her reaction and it paid off for you again.
Happy for you and more importantly it's great that the kids will get reasonable time with both the parents.
The overall phone conversation was strange. After Monday's text thread, plus our interactions in general - mostly strained, periodically calm - I was expecting a difficult call. W had sent me a list of topics to discuss ahead of time, a heavy list, so I was prepared for the worst.
Other things discussed:
* She had a free L consult, and shared the L's advice which was to try mediation as it would be best for all parties (duh!) I mostly listened and then said, "Yes I hope we can work this out in mediation also, I think that would be best for all of us." It sounds like the consult gave her some peace of mind. This consult happened before Monday, so I'm not sure what happened between Monday and yesterday to change her attitude.
* She wants to discuss the house next week after the MC2 session in person. Apparently she has been considering some options she considers feasible. I have told her I am open to discussing - I think she was worried that I would refuse to do anything except sell the house. She seems bothered that I won't be more open about advising her, but I feel like any advice I give would possibly cause more problems down the road. What if I tell her she can't afford this? She will feel like I am controlling her. So I'll listen to her proposals and probably suggest we discuss more in mediation.
* I also told her my sister is visiting next week. I thought she would flinch as they have had issues in the past. She had no issue.
Overall just a bizarrely neutral conversation.
If I had to guess, my W was afraid I was going to L up, demand 50/50, leave her destitute financially, and disallow her from taking the kids back to her hometown on trips (or just in general be a difficult person). Maybe when I asked for my 2 nights, but made it clear why I was picking those 2 nights so it would accommodate all of our schedules, she started to realize I was a reasonable person. Maybe I allayed her fears somewhat. I don't know. Just another day in the Twilight Zone.
I'm a tad more hopeful we can get things done amicably. I don't see this as any sort of R sign.
Last night I asked to call and talk to the kids and my W was out and the babysitter was watching the kids. Today she texted me to say she would be out again.
My frustration and anxiety have spiked. I know I need to chill out and let it go. The two parts of it that bother me are:
- Paying for the babysitter. She already does several hours per week, why the extra hours? Why should I pay for this? Shouldn't this be taken out of W's personal account? - If I had a babysitter watch the kids on an evening my W would be very upset, and possibly want me to use my personal spending account.
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Question: It's another one of those NGS situations -- do I stand up for myself and address this? Or just let it go, because it's just money and this will be sorted out soon?
Maybe I should wait until our MC session on Monday and suggest we work out what comes out of personal spending on what doesn't. And part of that is understanding the childcare costs.
Thoughts?
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Things that are not frustrating me are worrying about what she is doing. Xmas shopping, dinner with a friend, OM, I really don't care. I just think I shouldn't be paying for the sitter hours while she GALs. (or if she GALs... maybe she has a doctor appointment for all I know).
I should also nod towards one 3rd frustration I guess - we used to barely go out to dinner once a month, even though I tried. She could "never" line up the babysitter, and wouldn't let me try. Now, she is apparently available consecutive evenings for outings. I know... it just tells me that our MR was more broken than I thought long before it escalated towards the BD. It tells me she didn't want to work on it. She would say we weren't emotionally connected but not be willing to go to MC and put in an effort, or go on dates. Reminds me a lot of ScottB's recent posts. I wish she had just said ILYBINILWY and I would have understood more than just being blamed for it all. I guess I just need to nod towards the feelings and let it be, don't get too consumed.
I’m also trying to avoid rocking the boat. Monday we are going to talk about the house. I feel like we are starting to move forward on things.
Hard to balance when I am people-pleasing (NGS) vs. making a wise decision. Sometimes I can’t tell. I feel like I should wait until Monday. Big things will be discussed.
First off, congrats on the extra time with the kids! I know you've been struggling with that for months - take a moment and celebrate that
I would suggest trying to prioritize things - a sort of triage if you will. FYI - in my sit, separating individual bills versus joint bills freaked my W out. I think it was a rude awakening. She did get very angry but I kept even and neutral during the conversation. It became too real for her - things had been the same for 15 years and she woke up to the fact that she was spending much more than I was.
If you're seeing movement on the house, and you need to solve that issue first, I'd let the babysitter issue go. For now. Either that or group it together as part of a generic "personal expenses" vs "joint expenses" topic. I wouldn't specifically itemize things - that could trigger an argument or potentially be seen as "controlling".
Just about every divorce agreement out there says that first the parent who’s parenting time it is must off the time to the parent that doesn’t have the parenting time before asking a 3 rd party such as a babysitter. So make sure you get that in the agreement. If you have plans, and can’t, that babysitting time should absolutely come out of her own bank account .
Childcare for work is a different expense than childcare for going out on personal time.
U, Just wanted to say good luck on Monday. From what I see here, you're fighting through this difficult time with your head held up high. Continuing to push on whatever the outcome. Kudos to you.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Did not get time to read through the entire thread but quick comment on the babysitting expense. In my opinion (and I am not a lawyer, so take it for what it is worth) unless you have a prenup or some sort of legal separation order the money you have is likely to be community property which means it makes no sense to talk about "my money" and "her money". It is joint property and she has a right to spend it on babysitting as long as it is reasonable. There is a difference between what you think is ethically right and what is considered legally right.
