Well said! I would also like to add I could have wrote the exact same thing about my ex. They are even the same age lol.
I knew you would provide great advice here.
Wow LH19 so you can clearly relate to my situation.
You know the thought of getting involved with someone new scares me. Of course I’m in no way ready to date or think about that. But I often wonder what my life will look like if I’m no longer married. Like what will the dating world look like. Have you started dating?
I’m glad I can be of help here!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So Woosa, my first piece of advice would be to only focus on what you have control over and that’s “YOU”!
Yes! I’ve come to the realization that I can only work on myself. I’ve stopped telling him about all the things that I wish he could do better. If he’s not moving forward, I’m not gonna hold myself back for him.
I didn't make the changes until after he filed and now he is moving back toward me. There is also no OW.
Got it Newbie20. Sorry for any confusion on my part. Just please make sure you’re making the changes for you. They always notice the changes but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. They may even enjoy the changes you make. However, the questions remains...what changes are they making?
I got clear pretty early on the changes I needed to make for myself. I’m determined to be the best version of myself. For the last year I’ve been working hard on ME. I’m not making any of these changes for my husband. I’m doing it because the changes were necessary for me to grow.
Has he noticed? You bet he has. Is he still attracted to me? Heck yes! I imagine some of my changes continue to draw him back to me. I mean most men are attracted to a woman who is independent and has her stuff together.
That book the Art of Seduction helps too! Lol!
All that said, my husband is still stuck in the tunnel. So although I’m making my own positive changes, he’s not. He’s having fun being selfish, immature, and irresponsible. So in all actuality, we currently have nothing in common.
So I say all this to say that no change that I’ve made has made my husband committed to our marriage. He’s selfish and only focused on himself. So that’s why I say make necessary changes for you and no one else.
My goal is to keep my side of the street clean. I don’t own my husband. He’s his own person. So he has the right to decide he doesn’t want to be married anymore. But...but...but...I’m making sure if he does walk away it will be because he chose to not because I did something worthy of divorce.
I remain committed to my vows. I would never give him the satisfaction of being able to use anything I do as justification for HIS divorce.
Imagine how hard it must be for him to know he’s had affairs, been a liar, been selfish, been disrespectful, been childish, been immature....and all the while I’m over here just remaining faithful to him and my vows
Last edited by Living; 12/02/1903:34 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So Woosa, my first piece of advice would be to only focus on what you have control over and that’s “YOU”!
Yes! I’ve come to the realization that I can only work on myself. I’ve stopped telling him about all the things that I wish he could do better. If he’s not moving forward, I’m not gonna hold myself back for him.
Good for you Woosa! By all means don’t let him hold you back. Take this time to focus on you. I made a list of things I wanted to change/improve. It’s felt good checking things off my list. It takes time but just get up everyday determined to be better than you were the day before! Hugs to you! I know this is tough, but know you’re stronger than what you probably think. Dig down deep, we all have an inner warrior in us!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Oh yes to a T. She never wanted to hurt me in fact she gave me a great settlement, let me have the martial home, we even had sex up to the very end. Just didn’t want to be married anymore. Lost and to immature to do the work. Still a good mom so that’s a blessing.
Now what you might not want to hear:
I updated my sitch for first time in 2.5 years. I found out she’s dating a friend of a friend who is a total loser and way below me. It’s been about 16 months so she’s lonely and settled. Of course how it effects the group dynamic is another annoyance to me. She’s broken and I can’t fix her and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.
I’ve been dating on and off for a year. It’s debatable on if I just haven’t found the right one or I was still attached to ex. Probably both. I will say there is no shortage of available good women but I have heard the pool of men isn’t great. Sorry. My latest setback hit me hard but I think I’m finally ready to move forward and leave the past behind.
Sorry to hear she’s dating a friend of a friend. That messed up. But it just goes to show like you said, she hasn’t grown at all. I hate to say it but I think my husband will take a similar path. He may not date any of our mutual friends, but I’m sure his next partner will be a downgrade from me. Both of his AP’s were both MAJOR downgrades and I don’t say that with an ounce of arrogance. It’s just a true statement and he admitted it.
I think they latch on to people who are just as messed up as they are. I like to use the analogy, that drug addicts hang with other drug addicts. Sober people don’t want to hang with drug addicts be use they have nothing in common.
So our spouses go find those people who won’t expect more from them because they don’t expect more for themselves
We’ve had sex off and on for the past 2 years and most of the time it was awesome and passionate. I still have love for my husband but the attraction has faded. So I know that there were times we were sexually active and I was just getting a need filled and vice versa. Our souses are familiar to us so it’s different than being a complete stranger. .
I’ve heard that about the dating pool. That’s why it’s so scary. A lot of women and not too many men. If we get divorced, I’ll probably be by myself for a long time. I’m not interested in dating a bunch of man-kids.
I’m sending you hugs. This is so hard. But I’m sure you’ll be just fine because you’re strong!
Last edited by Living; 12/02/1904:05 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
You know it’s weird that I was drawn to your sitch early and I don’t typically post to women because I don’t feel I can give them the as good of advice.
It’s not so bad being single. It really isn’t. At my age most of my friends are in horrible marriages so I feel I’m ahead of the game. I’m helping one of my BF plan his divorce.
Again like mine I don’t think your H is in any hurry to leave so this could go on for awhile. I’m glad I know your strong and can handle it.
You know it’s weird that I was drawn to your sitch early and I don’t typically post to women because I don’t feel I can give them the as good of advice.
It’s not so bad being single. It really isn’t. At my age most of my friends are in horrible marriages so I feel I’m ahead of the game. I’m helping one of my BF plan his divorce.
Again like mine I don’t think your H is in any hurry to leave so this could go on for awhile. I’m glad I know your strong and can handle it.
I’m glad you were drawn to my thread. You, AS, and Ready2change have been such a great help to me.
I know being single isn’t that bad. I’m by myself a lot as it is already. So I’m getting used to doing things by myself.
My H isn’t in a hurry to leave anytime soon. That’s very obvious. I’m not sure how long this will go on. I’m trying to be financially responsible. We have some projects that we need to compete in our home before it can be sold for a profit. I’m committed to finishing these projects. After that, we will be able to go our separate ways.
Of course this is not what I wanted but I don’t see any growth in my husband so I’m preparing myself for this to be our last holiday season as a married couple.
LH19, I spent some time catching up on your thread, I’m sending you lots of hugs. I’m sorry your ex wife chose to date a mutual friend. Stay strong you’ve got this!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So I went to my therapist yesterday. I must say I really like my new therapist. I changed from my old one because it was no longer working. I wasn’t too fond of her advice,
Any who, this was my second session with the new therapist. During therapy we talked some about my H. So my therapist said she would like to have a session with the both of us. I told her I didn’t think my husband would come. She said, you can’t make him but let’s extend the invitation.
When I got home last night the H asked me how my appointment went. I said great. He asked if I wanted to talk about the appointment. I told him that all I wanted to say was that it was going well. I did tell him that she would like to have a session with the 2 of us next week. He asked the day and time and to my surprise said...I’ll take the day off so I can attend.
He said he hopes he doesn’t make things worse.
That said, my therapist has advised me that if my husband is dead set on D that I need to plan for my exit. She suggested that I ask him to leave the house. I said I already have and he won’t. She then suggested for my sake and the sake of my son, that maybe it will be best for me to leave then. She said of course you want to save up and plan but you can’t stay stuck in this space.
I told her about the work we are doing on the home, she said you don’t have to live there for you both to work on the home.
I can’t say that I totally disagree with her. It’s obvious after 2 years of this that my husband isn’t anywhere close to wanting to do the work on himself let alone any marriage. He seems to have his mind made up.
I don’t feel like I should have to leave our home but it’s like how long should I stay in this limbo? Ughhhhh!!!!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
