A parallel universe II

[DS9]

I can't figure out why my heart still feels something for this person? I mean it is easy for me to read your sitch and say DS9 you don't deserve this just move on and you will find someone that will love you for who you are. Then I try to apply that to my own sitch. My heart says I still care deeply, but my brain says you need to let her go to keep your sanity and soul intact.

Because one moment you were in love with the person to whom you had the greatest attachment in your life, and the next moment it was ripped away from you. With the death of a loved one, there is finality. When this stuff happens, there is no tangible finality, other than faded memories which slowly taper with the passage of time

It's a logical roadblock that needs to be reconciled with emotional feelings, which is very difficult. I don't want to be on my deathbed still thinking about it. On my deathbed, I want to look back and have comfort in the knowledge that despite what happened, and what was done to me, I treated my XW with honour, dignity and respect. There's a saying along the lines of the measure of a man is gauged by his conduct when he is on his knees. I've tried to live by that.

Cheers, DS

[DS9]

Hi all,

My SS wanted to come over and do some home gym work last night, so we hung out for an hour or so. He spoke about his uni studies, and his goals. We talked about his current living arrangements, his XGF, who wants to reconcile, credit card use, and other stuff. I think he looks to me for guidance and encouragement now. I gave him his brithday card and present. We trained, and he slumped to the concrete after 5 minutes, so i laughed and told him I'd buy him some pink 1kg dumbbells for next time he came round. He sms'd me with a thank you and heart emoji after he left.

I keep musing on how things have changed. It was about 2 years ago when he moved out from the marital home, coming back from time to time though, against my wishes and protests. We had attended therapy for him, but nothing worked. The therapist said he had to go. He was a verbally and physically abusive troubled teen. I wont go into detail, but it was really bad, and I copped most of it. Of all the injuries I copped, the one that lingers was when he told me that he wished his mum never met me.

I thought there was no cause for hoped change. I used to block thoughts of him, and being near him caused my hands to tremble, my heart rate to race, and my breathing to go shallow.

But, it changed. We both did, to each other. I'd always felt a sense of guilt about us, and how my XW must've felt. I suppose I opened my arms to my SS coming back out of a sense of repentance to my XW, duty, and 'making it right'.

So, to those that feel a sense of hopelessness that people can't or won't change (drastically), I'd like to bestow you with some hope, becuase it can happen, even when you resign yourself to the opposite

Cheers, DS

[scout12]

Hi DS,

I'm really touched by your story about your SS. Did one of you make the first step towards healing, or was it a mutual journey? It's very mature of your SS especially if he was so troubled. How is his relationship with his mother now?

I like your recent GAL updates. The sleepover with the boys sounds like a whole lot of fun. And Christmas Day buffet with S - awesome! Your personal 180s are obvious and it seems like XW is noticing and responding. Or has she always been chatty and agreeable?

I agree with you about treating our spouses with respect, but it's okay to be removed. Respect from a distance, the way you would a crocodile. Haha! It sounds like we try to live by similar credos. Mine is - to act on principle, not emotion. Not always the easiest thing to do in practice when dealing with an irrational spouse. But still we persevere.

Appreciate your thoughts, as always.

[DS9]

Thanks for your support Scout!

Neither SS or I made the first steps really. It 'just happened' a few months ago. I was with S at a school do, SS texted wanting to come, we met up, and there was just a different vibe. We had lunch, he opened up about his father not being the father he had hoped, and how I had been more of a father to him. I told him despite his mum's decision, and our history, I'd always be his step dad.

SS relationship with XW is non existent now. Just before BD she was pining for him. They got physical a few weeks ago and she kicked him out. He was distraught, and came to me. XW then called me a few days afterwards when they had another blow up, but I just listened, and didnt intervene. She has an ability to cut people from her life, with ice cold detachment.

Yeah, I'm thinking an all you can eat seafood buffet! To be frank, GAL is tough sometimes. I've never really been a solo social person. I didn't keep in touch with all my friends after R commenced because XW wanted me all to herself all the time, and my friends live on the sunny coast, or interstate, so it's a little tough sometimes. I'm going to join some groups on Meetup whihc I just discovered last night.

XW has always been chatty - very, very chatty. I'm quiet. She is agreeable if it agrees with what she wants to do. If it doesn't agree, she is not shy at all in saying so.

Yes, I'm very principled too and it does sound liek we have similar principles we adhere to. Respecting my XW was very big for me. I got a lot of love from her, but very little respect. Like you said, we persevere though.

Cheers, DS

[scout12]

I get the sense you're located in Bris? I am too.

I'm so glad SS shared those feelings with you, and that you were able to reassure him that nothing had changed on your end. The relationship breakdown with XW must be distressing for him, as well as the breakdown of the family. The relationship with H's family is a struggle for me. They have said they are here for us both, and will keep in touch with me. They haven't gone out of their way to do so, though, or reassure me that I'm still family through S1. Am I still aunt to my 2yo niece? I just don't know where I stand. It's mostly silent on their end.

GAL can definitely be hard especially with kids in the mix. Making friends as an adult isn't easy, especially if you're of a quiet nature (I am too). Meetup groups are good. Meeting friends of friends can help widen your circle. Reconnecting with those friends you lost during your R can be really heartening too. Nurturing friendships can turn into a full-time hobby!

[DS9]

Yes, I am. How cool's that! Small world.

Thanks Scout, I was glad too. It actually brought a tear to my eye when he told me how he felt about me. It also brought feelings of intense guilt and regret (both for the pain it caused him and XW, as one of her wishes was that we all got along) that I hadn't done something sooner, but I just couldn't because I didn't know how, and I was too wounded and hurt.

In-law families can be difficult, can't they. Fortunately mine have been fantastic with me. I assured them that despite what happened, as far as I was concerned, nothing changes. Do you think you'll make contact and carry on 'as if' you're still an in law relative? You might need to take the initiative when you're in the right frame of mind. Could be an idea to just send a text asking what they're doing and seeing if you could pop over to visit with your son? Principles here suggest keep DB with X's family, so keep that in mind.

Yeah, I think I'm going to join meetup then. There's a group called social singles which I looked at. Some of the member photos are interesting! Lots of earnest looking guys. Lots of differnet groups with different interests. I'm quiet too, with some quirky as well as mainstream interests, but I'm sure I'll find some likeminded people.

Thanks again for checking in on me. Cheers, DS

[Ready2Change]

I am now following your thread. Can you share your "elevator pitch"?

[DS9]

I am now following your thread. Can you share your "elevator pitch"?

Cheers mate. Glad you're back on board with me. Appreciate your time and wisdom.

My pitch?

I'm a little over 10 months into my sitch now. XW told me she loved me and wanted to look at a house at lunchtime, and BD'd me when i got home with a made up argument (which I didnt know was a BD), then BD'd again a week later. She'd changed, her needs had changed, I hadnt changed, she's turning 50, I'm too negative, we don't communicate, I'm a great guy but not for her etc etc. Light switch went with her emotions, and I was the pariah. It was beneath my dignity to beg, plead or cry. I took it all with quiet dignity.

I researched and looked at what happened and thought MLC.

She has significant, unresolved childhood abuse, abandonment and neglect. I have abandonment issues too. Looking back, I actually got kicked out of her house several times early in the R when she blew up for no apparent reason, then apologised in a sense, and wanted me to come home. There was a lot of love, but very little respect for me. XW is the ultra alpha female, who needs to control things and have her way. I went along not only to get along, but becuase I liked her goals. Happy wife, happy life was our little joke together

The monstering followed, as well as the history rewrite, til I couldn't handle it and moved out for my own emotional health. I had resolved to be honourable and respectful throughout and carried myself that way with her.

I took ownership of my flaws, 180'd on what she expected me to do, went to IC (still going), reconnected with my step son, and tried to stay away from the sucking vortex she created after BD. Deep down, I'm acting 'as if', but working toward cementing my changes. Will power got me through a lot these last months, as does faking it til I make it.

I'm still struggling with detachment and understanding why it went wrong (analysis paralysis). I can't help it,as that's the way my mind still works, for now. It's getting better though. I'm a quiet, sensitive, smart guy, but not emotionally intelligent (but learning), and was naive about relationships. Some NGS characteristics, but very protective of my XW, and manly but sensitive, and a lion if anyone outside the family threatened us, kinda like the guy you describe who'll resolutely guide his W out of harms way without a second thought. Basically, the quiet, understated go to guy. Never communicated my needs, but had unmet and oftentimes uncommunicated expectations which frustrated me, and rarely put my foot down on respect issues, and never pulled her up on the lack of reciprocal assistance. Looking back, there was a strong codepency theme, and lack of self differentiation.I put her on a pedestal.

Til I came here, I had no idea about these concepts, or respect, or NGS, or boundaries. I thought that's what a good husband did. I've learned a lot. Thing is, I learn and understand, but have huge difficulties applying them to myself, plus I'm impatient, with the monkey on my shoulder still sometimes telling me "DS, dont bother, it's too hard or its not going to work". It is being addressed in IC.

I've baby stepped my way toward not being there for her for every need (huge 180), not communicating with her unless she initiates, being very businesslike and cordial, not reacting to her ups and downs, reconciling with my SS, and keeping a level keel for my S.

I have this forum to thank for the baby steps I've managed.

I'd like to say I've detached, that I'm not an NG anymore, that I can GAL like a madman, that I can easily put up boundaries etc etc, but I can't, right now. That's going to take time, and bouncing ideas and advice off this forum is going to help me get there.

Cheers, DS

[Ready2Change]

Thanks.

Have you read "Rules of the game"? It is a must read (as well as doing the exercises). I like how on day one he speaks more about strong vs weak guys rather than "nice guys".

I am currently watching Peaky Blinders. Tommy has some really bad qualities, but he definitely has many quality male traits that we all should take up. There is a youtube video that points this out well.

[DS9]

Thanks mate,

I've just ordered Rules of the Game. Looking forward to reading it. Thank you for the suggestion.

I'm going to check out Peeky Blinders. I've watched a few Youtube channels analysing Don Draper from Madmen, and his appeal. Relating him to my personality, and what I've been told, the theme seems to be I have the 'gift of the gab', charm, wit, and present as 'a catch', but (from my own analysis) I'm let down by deep feelings of not being good enough, and not trusting my own sense of worth and value, and not taking a risk for fear of looking foolish, and just plain shyness.

There have been many times where after the fact someone had told me a particular woman liked me, wanted to date me etc, and even then I didn't believe it and didn't act on it (sometimes not acting was entirely appropriate). Heck, a couple of years ago my XW told me one of her colleagues who didn't know me saw me waiting across the road to pick up my wife from work, and yelled at all the women to come to the window and check me out!? I just felt embarrassed, laughed nervously, reassured her I was only interested in her, and my XW kept teasing me about it.

I think I need to be more sure of myself, and confident. I've gained a little of that, and will keep working. This is all NGS cr@p, I now know. Well, I went for lunch with a girl I went on a date with previously (we're now just friends). I took your cue R2C - instead of asking where and when, I just told her the day, the time I would be free, and where I wanted to go, if that suited her, and she agreed!

Cheers, DS