A parallel universe II

[DS9]

Thanks DnJ Merry Xmas to you and your kids too

Yeah I know one day I’ll look back and feel something but not sure if it’s blessed. Hopefully I’ll feel nothing. Maybe that type of thinking is something else I need to work on.

Cheers ds

[DaB35]

Hope you had a good one DS.

I empathise with the sense that you felt you had to sacrifice everything for your spouse. I just thoguht that's what I had to do. How wrong I was.

Here's to a better year. Always forward, always strive to do the best, and smile more!

[DS9]

Thanks Dan. Yeah it’s about sacrifice and doing all you can to keep your lady happy. I know I shouldn’t but I still have that value. I don’t know if I’ll change but what I do know is I’ll make damn sure to establish what their notion of happiness is as opposed to what I think it is.

Anyway saw XW again the other day at changeover. Had just come from heading out for breakfast after a morning gym session so dressed up again in my summer finery. I waited at the door but XW seemed happy to see me and insisted I come in. Made a beeline for S and crouched next to him to interact with him but XW wanted me to sit. I declined. I was offered coffee but I ummed and ahhed saying I’d have one only if she did then told her how I take it. I then decided to sit down

I presented her with her nominal value gift card belated Xmas present and left it on the bench. It looked tiny and quite pathetic really, wrapped hastily, with one of those small to and from stickers. Old me would have wrapped it expertly with a large artistic card with a poem. I was surprised at her level of delight and repeated thanks. She grabbed me on the shoulder to thank me again and I simply said ‘pleasure ‘.

She asked what it was (really?!) and unwrapped it thanking me again. I told her it was a credit card with an unlimited credit limit and we had a laugh. She then eagerly wanted to show me clothes she bought for S and we cacked ourselves looking at the printed designs which she thought had been a colour dying error. She wanted me to see S’s refurbished bedroom but I said he’d sent me pictures already.

She told me of a couple of parenting things she’d been doing and I agreed and said I’d noticed the same and would implement. She asked about a school order I was handling and something else I said I’d handle too. I’ll make sure to hit her up for half the nominal expense.

She’d always made awful coffee and I’d had enough of it and didn’t want to linger so said I couldn’t finish it. I asked what she wanted me to do with the cup. She said leave in the sink (she used to hate anything in the sink) so I ignored that and washed the cup.

I hurried S to finish getting ready and looked for a place to sit as the couch had stuff on it. XW made to move the stuff but I just sat on the ottoman and sprawled out a la don draper, looking out the front door. XW said something I can’t recall so I leaned a bit back and answered. My shirt button nearly popped in the process lol

It was time to go, so with a ‘good bye girls, have a great weekend ‘ and a game of tennis request to Sd we left with out further adieu.

[DS9]

Hi all,

Hope we all survived the festive season.

Just an update on what I've been up to.

S and I spent an activity packed week together. Beach, craft/creative activities and so on, pretty much every day, much to his consternation. He just wants to stay home.

We visited with SD for a few hours and it was lovely. I used to be quite 'authoritarian' and a little distant with my step kids, but also supportive, protective and sometimes witty. I'm different now, with my natural wit and supportiveness coming back to the fore. I think I struggled with my place vis a vis my step kids. Early in the R, out of the blue XW told me she was watching me like a hawk around the kids. I felt hurt at the insinuation, and always kept that at the back of my mind.

I've been exercising my indoor creativity with indoor plants and other creations. Not really alpha male stuff, but I don't care as I like it and it keeps me busy. I think it's integrated male stuff - at my place you'll see tools, fishing gear, home gym and a sports car in the garage, then go inside and there'll be potted plants, ornaments, cushions and table runners!

I think I've used spending money as a crutch though and need to curtail and save more.

I've made some good acquaintances with the proprietors of the local bar. I often go down for a snack and a drink, as it's walking distance. We talk about cars and life. They're young fellows. Got to know the owner last night. He used to do what I do, so we related on that, and swapped stories. It was again gratifying to hear I look younger than my age! Turns out a lot of male customers who come in relate how they've been BD'd and blindsided in 2019.

Talked for ages with a young lady who was an acquaintance of the owner. Practiced my validation and eye contact, and enjoyed the intelligent conversation. I struggled with the millenial phrases though, and we cacked ourselves when a 'suggestive' phrase went completely over my head and it was explained to me. I was surprised she was only 21 when I found out. Young ladies these days seem to act and look older than what they are. Anyway, it was nice to be able to relate and laugh with younger people and spend a couple of hours laughing and talking. They're holding a singles night soon, so i'm looking forward to attending that and mingling with other cool people. I never used to go to bars or the like. Part of it was my NGS symptom of "I'm different, I'm not that type of guy". Baby steps.

XW popped round the other day at changeover. I was surprised when she knocked on the door, saying she was going to call, but decided to come up. I invited her in but she preferred to wait at the door, and I didn't insist. She launched into telling me the tremendous hours she's done at work, how busy it is, and the IT problems they've been having. I listened, acknowledged and validated, and kept it light and pleasant. She complimented my watch, asked if was a xmas present (even though I've worn it for months), then left with S after a mutual exchange of pleasantries.

Cheers, DS

[DS9]

Hi all,

Just seeking some advice and feedback, and venting a bit too, as this has been playing on my mind.

It's nearly a year since BD. Here in Oz, you have to be separated for a year before applying for a divorce. Divorce application is only in relation to legally ending the marriage, so its got nothing to do with property, kids etc, like I think it does on the USA

You can apply jointly for divorce, where you both must agree to relationship dates and facts set out in the document by ticking boxes, but there are questions that I'm not sure about how I feel in terms of reconciliation prospects and similar. Basically, each person would either tick yes or no to prospects of reconciliation and did you consider the marriage over at separation, and if not, when - its tick a box. There are things there which emotionally I don't know how I feel, nor am I ready to answer.

Doing it jointly though is so much easier and streamlined and means no Court appearance. The court appearance is brief and procedural in nature

Doing it solely means one person does it and puts their version of relationship facts, dates etc in there, then serve it on the other spouse, and the person doing it goes to Court for a very brief appearance.

My XW will no doubt be in touch and ask me to do the divorce application, as I know how to do it. She will likely want it to be joint. Months ago, I did all our consent property settlement legal documents.

I don't want to prepare the divorce application, nor do I want to join her. That said, I'm conscious of not standing in her way, and I don't want to hinder her if that's what she wants.

There's been some good suggested responses here on the forum about how to respond, but I just don't know what to say, and I want to be prepared.

I've been living my life since mid last year without any interaction with her aside from changeovers and a few family related events. If you know my sitch, there has been no relationship talk since BD, I've been cool, clam collected, no tears, begging, demands, snooping etc. I've tried to be like a ghost, apply DB, and acting with honour and respect. To an outsider, I think it would appear I have moved on. I've baby stepped toward a more assertive man, not subject to her whims or instantly available. As best I can, I have lived and conducted myself as being AMOAFWL, and I'm damn proud of how I've conducted myself in the circumstances I'm in

I took my vows very seriously though. I told her at BD, that out of all the billions of women on this planet I chose her and my love was unconditional including in accepting the things I wanted her to improve but she didn't. Her reply at the time was to scoff and say she's different to me and not traditional. I took my ring off a few weeks after BD becuase I had told her I accepted her decision and it felt awkward and weak and inconsistent for me to continue wearing it

Anyway, I just don't know if the response of "I want us both to be happy. You deserve to be happy. If the only way you can be happy is by getting divorce, I wont stand in your way, but I'm not drafting the Application' cuts it?

Can I get some thoughts please. Feeling a little lost about this. Thanks in advance.

[rooskers]

DS9 I'm sorry I don't have any thoughts on your current situation. It does sound like things are settling down and you are really starting to explore your new life as a single. To be honest I am a little jealous.

My XW will no doubt be in touch and ask me to do the divorce application, as I know how to do it.

If there hasn't been any major conflicts with XW why not let her be the one to completely fill out the papers to be prepared? Why not let her do all the leg work as far as that is concerned. Don't hinder like you said but at the same time you don't need to be the one who does it.

[DS9]

DS9 I'm sorry I don't have any thoughts on your current situation. It does sound like things are settling down and you are really starting to explore your new life as a single. To be honest I am a little jealous.

Hey Roo. Good to hear from you mate. No worries as I know you've got a lot on your plate. Things have settled down a lot over the last few months as you've seen from my postings. I've still got a lot of internal work to do though.

If there hasn't been any major conflicts with XW why not let her be the one to completely fill out the papers to be prepared? Why not let her do all the leg work as far as that is concerned. Don't hinder like you said but at the same time you don't need to be the one who does it.

Yeah I absolutely don't wan't to do it nor will I. However, she will likely want to do the joint application becuase its so much easier procedurally, no Court appearance etc. That needs my input and signature. I dont know how I feel about some of the questions regarding when I considered the marriage over, my view on the prospects of reconciliation, and dont feel like I can answer them, but I would have to if it is joint application.

I suspect when I say I wont do the application, she'll want to know why. In answerign, I want to mitigate any suggestion in my response that I'm 'holding on' to the marriage, as that would be inconsistent with how I've been conducting myself

So, I'm a little stumped. I hoep that makes sense.

I just want to be prepared in advance to deal with it.

Woudl appreicate any thoughts from the vets.

Cheers, DS

[IronWill]

Hey DS - thanks for popping in on my thread the other day. I appreciate all the help and support I can get.

I'm not really a vet only been 17 months in my sit, but I told my W that if she wanted D she could have it and I wasnt going to stop her, but that I was not going to do it for her because it was not what I wanted.

I only said this once. I meant it.

I agree with rooskers, I don't see why you have to do something you do not want to do.

Maybe honesty works here?

I have thought of this for my own sit sometimes - to be prepared for all scenarios. I have come up with something to the tune of - "I have changed my mind. I have decided I do not want to be present to file a joint application, but I will sign what I need to sign when you are finished with the paperwork."

If my W would ask why, I would say I don't want to / it makes me uncomfortable and reiterate that I will sign what I need to when I have to.

Stay strong

[DnJ]

Good Morning DS

Your locale sound much like my province. Here a couple needs to be separated for at least one year before divorce paperwork can be submitted. Our paperwork sounds similar as well; it looks like a menu with all the tick boxes. And yeah, I also didn’t feel right about it.

In my situation, after the one year, I was served divorce paperwork. XW did it all, on her own. She didn’t contest the separation agreement, which can happen. So twice she agreed to no custody of the kids, no property, no pension, etc... From a legal point of view this is a good thing, she pushed all this through. From a personal point of view, well same thing.

Let your W do the heavy lifting. Do not fight her nor particularly stand in her way.

Here, two people agree to the separation, and if they don’t then the courts will decide and rule. Then only one of the parties needs to submit for a divorce after the time limit of at least that one year. The other cannot stop a divorce, just fight about the previous arrangements. Perhaps this is a similar possibility in Oz.

Your looking for what to say when/if this conversation happens.

In the past year you have done well keeping pressure low, no tears, no begging, no demands, and such. And conducted yourself in such a manner that you are proud of yourself. Excellent! Your path, your healing, and your growth is first and foremost for you.

To an outsider, I think it would appear I have moved on.

This is fear and self doubt talking.

It speaks to things deeper within you. Steps along you path yet to be taken.

DS, you need not move on, nor appear that you have. Show the truth - which is - you are not staying still. You are moving forward.

One can move forward while still standing for their marriage. Even post divorce.

So what to say and your feelings of being lost about this.

Focus back on you, not W. The LBS finds themselves when traversing this crucible of destruction. Finds their values and beliefs. Strengthens and creates the ones they want. Alters or discards the ones they don’t. And they become the best version of themselves.

Act and speak from that place. You do that, and no matter what happens, you’ve done your best and will have no regret.

You have questions and concerns about filling in divorce paperwork. Then don’t. Let her do the paperwork and you can get served. If that is possible where you live, go that route.

What to tell her. Truth is a good thing. You’ve read my postings so I’ll truncate. Truth and reality are very much in the eye of the beholder. Your W’s truth and your’s are different. You cannot find words that will alter her truth and reality, she can only do that.

For your truth, look to your beliefs.

Feelings influence thoughts, and thoughts influence feelings; rather quickly. Beliefs are influenced as well, but slowly.

Beliefs change slowly, and are therefore a really good guide for one’s life. Emotions are fleeting and temporary; one should not make decisions based upon feelings.

I understand you feeling lost. What do you believe? You’ve conducted yourself in a manner you are proud of. Find your beliefs and convictions. You are not as lost as you feel. Honest.

That is the truth I am speaking about. That deep belief of one’s values. And believe me (lol, such word play) it takes time to find, strengthen, and alter one’s belief system.

My advice. You don’t want a divorce, you have a separation agreement which she is abiding to, let her do what she wants (since she will anyhow). When unsure, just sit quietly and answer will reveal themselves.

I did re-read and see that your court system does serve you the paperwork if one only applies for divorce. That would seem to be a good option. When/if she asks to do paperwork jointly, you can decline. You don’t even have to explain why. Just politely decline and let her do whatever she is going to do.

A final thought for today. You control you. W controls W. I know you want a different outcome. Your musing and analyzing is normal as is looking for a way to manipulate things. Do not manipulate her path; she has steps she needs to take. Perhaps her path will lead her back, perhaps not.

I know you were asking what to specifically say. Actions speak much better than words ever will.

Find your beliefs and path. Continue to be a beacon, and move forward.

DnJ

[DS9]

Let your W do the heavy lifting. Do not fight her nor particularly stand in her way.

Here, two people agree to the separation, and if they don’t then the courts will decide and rule. Then only one of the parties needs to submit for a divorce after the time limit of at least that one year. The other cannot stop a divorce, just fight about the previous arrangements. Perhaps this is a similar possibility in Oz.

Your looking for what to say when/if this conversation happens.

DnJ

Hi DnJ

Thanks so much for your time and effort with these wonderful comments.

I do want her to do the heavy lifting with the application and will let her do the paperwork if that's what she wants to do.

Correct, can't stop the divorce. I don't intend to. I'll let it wash over me, unresistant.

Yes, I was looking at what to say. I want to be prepared. I am big on preparation at work.

This is fear and self doubt talking.

It speaks to things deeper within you. Steps along you path yet to be taken.

DnJ

This really hit home mate. Really.

I'm in IC since March, working on various internal issues.

The theme of "I feel like Im not good enough/worthy enough' just keeps coming back. My IC and I trace a behaviour, or a thought pattern, and distil it back down to the bare bones belief system from my childhood, and that's what my IC says it keeps coming back to, and my actions, behaviour thoughts etc are coping mechanisms based on that faulty belief.

Cheers, DS