MLC - I completely agree. This is why I'm pushing for changes. It has been confusing, because sometimes I feel like I'm not DB'ing or standing appropriately and question why I'm posting on a DB forum. But even if R is to happen, I think a D has to happen first (or at least the beginning of the process).
The reality is, this situation is not good or healthy for me. I'm pressing for D because there are no other workable options. The only other possibility is to have a legal separation, but I see the difference between legal separation and D as semantic. Perhaps I'm wrong.
I think I can still do this in a way that uses DB principles... validate, but assert my needs. It's a tricky balance but I'd like to try.
After she kept pressing me for a parenting schedule next month, I asked for 2 more days every 2 weeks. No response yet.
U, I don't fault you for pushing for D given your current agreement is weighted against you. DB does not mean you roll over and agree with everything without asserting your needs.
The concern I see is that while you say you are pushing for changes, there seems to be no action to back that up. What is your timeline for changing the current status quo? Do you have dates scheduled for mediation? What is your plan if W does not agree to a reasonable agreement and mediation breaks down?
What is your timeline for changing the current status quo? Do you have dates scheduled for mediation? What is your plan if W does not agree to a reasonable agreement and mediation breaks down?
I've been pushing for mediation but no, nothing is scheduled. We are supposed to talk tomorrow evening about this.
My plan if my W does not agree or mediation breaks down is really the only option I have, which is to file and let that process take its course. I consulted a L several months ago who I would retain in this scenario.
I imagine the advice here would be to set a boundary? (Advice needed here):
"I would like us to select a mediator and start mediation by date XYZ. Otherwise I intend to file for D."
IMHO, identify a list of mediators acceptable to you first.
Originally Posted by unchien
"I would like us to select a mediator Here is a shortlist of mediators, if you prefer someone else let me know. and If we cannot come to an agreement and start mediation by date XYZ, I intend to file for D."
Note that stating you intend to file for D means that you should be ready and willing to do it if it comes down to it. I would say that only if you are firm and convinced about taking that step. If not, change the wording
If she turns down mediation or delays, I don’t know what other option I have?
Perhaps that is true. All I am saying is be sure that you are willing to follow through on filing for D if it becomes necessary. If you say you intend to file and later decide that is not the right course of action, it will probably change the tone for future negotiations and discussion.
I absolutely agree. It reminds me of the movie Network: "I'm mad as he** and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" Idle threats if I don't follow through.
I don't necessarily need a D. My needs are:
- More time with our kids - A financial separation
I have other "nice to have's" such as less intrusiveness from my W while I parent, but those are things I can affect now without needing to upset the apple cart. The financial piece is important to me. We are out-spending my income by several K per month, and I am effectively supporting her (by paying the bills and the mortgage) by several K above what a max support payment would be. I am enabling an unhealthy situation for all parties, me, her, our kids. So I need to change it. It's clear to me this will persist for awhile if I do not take some action. And I am not okay persisting as is.
The most recent update is W has chosen to reach out to MC2 for another session. This is likely in response to the long text exchange on Monday. She kept asking me for a 6 month parenting plan, and I said that was a good thing to discuss in mediation. When she pressed for what I want in January, I said 2 extra weeknights. So I imagine her goal of scheduling MC2 is that she wants to press for her needs for the next 6 months.
Some journaling ~
I've spent some time recently trying to understand her mindset, but not dwell on it. I am looking for information I can use for my own self-improvement. Even before the BD, for a couple years, I increasingly felt like I couldn't share my feelings with my W. Sometimes she complained I was distant, although from my perspective when I did share my feelings she either didn't care, or I felt she attacked my reasons for feeling a certain way. And when she would periodically express herself (in the form of an hour-long vent on several things she was frustrated about), I felt like there was no space for me to do anything other than validate and listen. There was no space for my feelings in the marriage for a couple years. I wanted to spend more time together as a couple, and she immediately would say she felt "blamed and shamed." I felt really shut out. If I raised a concern about our finances, she would get stressed out and shut down the conversation, and then accused me later of being financially controlling. I realize a lot of my unhappiness was about our lack of emotional connection.
This is something I think I will carry for awhile. It cuts deep for me. I am pretty comfortable sharing my feelings with internet strangers, or with friends, but I can't imagine ever allowing myself to be vulnerable again in a romantic relationship. It's an issue I will need to work through for awhile. It's been a work in progress (as a NG) to grow confidence in understanding my own feelings, and understand they are just as valid as anyone else's. Secondly, I have this general sense that other people don't care, that I will get burned, that I need to defend how I feel. If I feel angry, do I have an anger problem? If I feel anxious, do I have an anxiety disorder? If I feel sad, am I medically depressed? If I am resentful, am I a negative cynical pessimist? Do I have the capacity to forgive? Did I drive my W away with my NGS? Am I capable of being in a warm, loving relationship, or am I too stuck in my own head? There is a lot to sort out and I'm planning to continue in IC long-term.
Yesterday I looked at some of the text from the apology letters I wrote in April (for the first time in probably 6 months) and I was pretty appalled by how weak and submissive and histrionic and over-the-top I was. I took all the blame. I couldn't read them all the way through. What I did feel is that I am a stronger person today and would *never* write letters like that again, to anybody, ever. I completely devalued myself. I do feel remorseful for my role in the erosion of our MR, I wish I had done some things differently. I don't know if that would have saved us anyways.
These are just thoughts that I have lately. I'm much better about putting them aside as needed, but I like working them out by posting here. My sister is visiting next week and I'm really excited. I switched to a new 4-day weight lifting program and feel rejuvenated physically - not as tired as before. Work has picked up and I feel much more productive. I had an awesome 5-day weekend with the kids. I found a new podcast that I'm really connecting with. I went to a live concert last week and had a great time. I'm going to brave the cold waters and surf this weekend with a good friend. Life is a place of abundance.
You should be very proud of yourself! When you can to the board you were a weak mess. After all you didn’t send 1 letter, you didn’t send 2 letters, you sent 3 lol. Makes you sick when you think about it now doesn’t it? I don’t know if you realize it but you’re getting stronger. You have come a long way my friend.
Here’s the thing. You were broken and your doing everything in your power to improve yourself. Your W is broken and will remain broken. She is going to struggle badly being single with 3 young kids. You on the other hand will figure things out. I know your anxiety keeps you stuck sometimes but you will muscle through it. You are definitely on the right track. Try to forgive yourself and move forward.
What’s your latest Podcast I really enjoy Marcus Aubrey you turned me on to in the past. Fascinated with his journey in an open relationship and how he enjoys bring pain into his life.
LH19 - Thanks for the kind words. I owe you and many of the other posters here many thanks.
The podcast was specifically for anxiety so not sure you would enjoy or find it applicable. I've listened to plenty of these in the past, but this one in particular resonates with me (once you get through some of the new-agey spa retreat music and some of the lingo). It's hard to explain. One nugget I wrote down is "the more you talk about your anxiety, the more anxiety you're gonna have" so maybe I should leave it at that! =)
I enjoy some but not all of MA's podcasts. I credit Maika for pointing me to that one.
She's okay with my proposal to take 2 more nights every 2 weeks for the time being (i.e. until we possibly change it through mediation).
This puts us on a 4-5-2-3 schedule (4,9,11,14... yep math works out). It's basically 2-2-5-5 (for those who know about this stuff) with one day flipped. It works great for our kids' schedules for the time being.
I got off the phone and started crying. I am ecstatic. I've shed a lot of tears this year but never before out of happiness. Five months ago I thought I was going to need to go to court for my W to agree to overnights with the kids.
We talked about some other stuff too but I need to decompress and enjoy the evening and celebrate a little. I'll post more the next couple days. It's one small step, and I shouldn't make too much out of it, but given events of the past year I'm going to enjoy this tonight.
