Hi, quite a lot of changes in the 4 days since last post. Things remained really frosty between us over the weekend until I received a call from W in the evening. Never heard her so distraught, Our d6 had mentioned some things that really triggered my W's childhood trauma from abuse.
She asked me to come over immediately which I did, comforted her, gave her a hug while she told me what had happened.wont give any details but it was really traumatic and she needed me to hear and believe her, which I did without question, trust in her as a mother is unshakeable.
I stayed the night and have continued to stay to provide support to her and the kids as we have worked through the issues. We have decided to put family therapy in place, drop the hostility and focus on the kids,
Over the last 4 days my w has initiated several talks about our relationship, her experience and how unhappy she was, her distrust, the neglect ,lack of intimacy and emotional abuse.
I have never validated so much, hearing her and hearing her, her guard has understandably gone up and down through the conversations , ive made a few mistakes with my responses as its been really emotionally challenging hearing how she felt, she has remained very clear she is happier now and is very mindful of me working on her or manipulating her back into a relationship, she has admitted she must have loved me but remains staunch that we will never reconcile. She said she wanted me to forgive myself and work on my own happiness.
I made a mistake by admitting I wasn't there yet with letting go. but most importantly there is a flicker of trust back. She expects me to return to the flat tomorrow.
The two of us will attend family counselling just the 2 of us for 1st few sessions. She has invited me to stay for Christmas and a walk this Sunday.
No expectations, she knows I love her but understandably doesn't trust I wouldn't lose the changes if back together. She repeats " my love for myself is stronger than my love for anyone else and she won't compromise herself for anyone else anymore"
Obviously these statements all really hurt and we have all shown our vulnerability and fragility through this situation with d6. I have shared details of my abuse change programme.
I fully expect her walls to go back up anytime but this has felt like a much healthier few days. Really tough being back in the house around her, inside I'm really pineing for her.
But it's some movement, have to tread very carefully
JD,that's a good sign that she's starting to come out of the fog but she still has a long way to go. Good job with focusing on listening and validating, keep that up. And yes you are right she will retreat back into the castle when she thinks she's opened up to you too much. It's going to be a roller coaster, let her ride it while you remain to the side- the solid, dependable rock!
Should really reiterate the only reason I'm at the house and things are less frosty is because of the kids, She's really let me have it with every negative detail of the relationship and the pain and loneliness.
She's very vocal about how much happier she is with new friends etc who give her what I didn't in terms of feeling attractive and loved.
This is all painful stuff.
But we are able to talk, be in the same room, she really appreciates that I was there for her. ( she did pull out the "you acted like a friend" and the "Hope we can be friends in time" , so I really have to watch out for the friendzone)
Again the most important thing for me is that right now today, there is some trust and she doesn't feel threatened
This may all change once talking to her victim support workers , friends, ic etc
Looking for some advice Been thinking back over some of my conversations with my wife this past 6 days.
She has mentioned several times that she will never reconcile, spoken about how she doesn't want to be with a man or anyone to touch her for a considerable time but has also said things like if I truly wanted her to be happy in the future that may involve her being with somebody else.
She also questioned me if I was holding on to hope and raised that any work i was doing on myself or changes should not be for her. I just responded I'm aware of that.
She's not stupid, she knows I still love her,
How do you answer these types of direct questions?
Do you communicate that you're not giving up on the relationship or that you believe things can be worked through, or does this consolidate a perception of weakness or plan b status?
Looking for some advice Been thinking back over some of my conversations with my wife this past 6 days.
She has mentioned several times that she will never reconcile, spoken about how she doesn't want to be with a man or anyone to touch her for a considerable time but has also said things like if I truly wanted her to be happy in the future that may involve her being with somebody else.
She also questioned me if I was holding on to hope and raised that any work i was doing on myself or changes should not be for her. I just responded I'm aware of that.
She's not stupid, she knows I still love her,
How do you answer these types of direct questions?
Do you communicate that you're not giving up on the relationship or that you believe things can be worked through, or does this consolidate a perception of weakness or plan b status?
Looking for some advice Been thinking back over some of my conversations with my wife this past 6 days.
She has mentioned several times that she will never reconcile, spoken about how she doesn't want to be with a man or anyone to touch her for a considerable time but has also said things like if I truly wanted her to be happy in the future that may involve her being with somebody else.
She also questioned me if I was holding on to hope and raised that any work i was doing on myself or changes should not be for her. I just responded I'm aware of that.
She's not stupid, she knows I still love her,
How do you answer these types of direct questions?
Do you communicate that you're not giving up on the relationship or that you believe things can be worked through, or does this consolidate a perception of weakness or plan b status?
Looking for some advice Been thinking back over some of my conversations with my wife this past 6 days.
She has mentioned several times that she will never reconcile, spoken about how she doesn't want to be with a man or anyone to touch her for a considerable time but has also said things like if I truly wanted her to be happy in the future that may involve her being with somebody else.
She also questioned me if I was holding on to hope and raised that any work i was doing on myself or changes should not be for her. I just responded I'm aware of that.
She's not stupid, she knows I still love her,
How do you answer these types of direct questions?
Do you communicate that you're not giving up on the relationship or that you believe things can be worked through, or does this consolidate a perception of weakness or plan b status?
Looking for some advice Been thinking back over some of my conversations with my wife this past 6 days.
She has mentioned several times that she will never reconcile, spoken about how she doesn't want to be with a man or anyone to touch her for a considerable time but has also said things like if I truly wanted her to be happy in the future that may involve her being with somebody else.
She also questioned me if I was holding on to hope and raised that any work i was doing on myself or changes should not be for her. I just responded I'm aware of that.
She's not stupid, she knows I still love her,
How do you answer these types of direct questions?
Do you communicate that you're not giving up on the relationship or that you believe things can be worked through, or does this consolidate a perception of weakness or plan b status?
This is a tough one that I struggle with my own sitch too because as long as you are legally bound by marriage... how much "moving on" can you really do? So until one of you file, you can argue that both of you are still holding on to something or some hope?
You are not stupid either, do you think she still loves you in someway? I think they just want that romantic / attractive love feeling back.
I guess best answer is "I'm making improvements for myself so that I can be better in my next relationship, whoever it may be with" - maybe there's a more concise version of this.
"Avoid R talk" includes avoiding R talks when the WAS initiates them (unless they are aimed towards reconciliation or working not the MR which is clearly not the case here).
You don't have to sit and get repeatedly gut-punched in the name of validation. I think a general strategy if she speaks in this way would be validate ("I understand that's how you feel") and then exit gracefully (harder than it sounds, I know).
I also wonder how best to validate when confronted with a direct question.
Are you still holding onto hope? Do you still have feelings for me? What do you want?
